


Stay (I Missed You)

by TragicLove



Series: Stay [1]
Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Affairs, Angst, F/M, Flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-01 04:59:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 65,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16758403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TragicLove/pseuds/TragicLove
Summary: They always say that time mends all wounds, makes all things easier, but that had never been the case for Sophia and Zac. Eleven long years of crashing into each other had never made the burn sting any less, still Sophia wasn't sure why she could never just walk away from him.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Lisa Loeb's Stay (I Missed You)
> 
> This fic does deal with a sensitive topic towards the end. It's **not** MCD or self harm, though tagging for it now would unfortunately spoil the story. If you feel you may need a warning, I'm always open to being contacted either here or on Tumblr (tragic---love, over there), and I'll gladly let you know what is in store.

There were several reasons that Sophia Hill didn’t live alone, and she was being reminded of one of them as she huddled on the couch underneath her old Beauty and the Beast blanket, lightning lighting up the room through the big bay window every few seconds, always followed by the loudest goddamn bursts of thunder she’d ever heard. The lights had been flickering every few minutes for the past hour, rain hitting the roof so hard that it sounded like rocks were pouring down from the skies. She felt a bit like a baby, her feet pulled up underneath her, eyes darting from the episode of Grey’s Anatomy she was watching to the window every few seconds. But, losing power and being stranded in her house all alone was something she wasn’t particularly interested in doing.

Trevor, her boyfriend of two years, was out of town on business - some kind of marketing thing that she really didn’t understand, wasn’t sure she actually cared to - and he’d left her here all alone, knowing just how terrified of storms she was. It wasn’t his fault, she knew that, but that didn’t help the annoyance inside of her every time the room became bright or the crack of thunder burst through the house. 

She’d opened the bottle of wine she’d been keeping in the fridge ‘for a special occasion’ for a couple of weeks now and was halfway through her third glass, willing herself to keep her eyes on the scene in front of her on the television instead of on the windows. Watching the interns on Grey’s try to save who they didn’t realize was their badly injured and dying friend George O’Malley was far more pleasant than watching the apocalypse that was happening around her. Never mind that she’d watched this episode upwards of twenty times, it usually kept her on the edge of her seat every time. Not tonight, though. Tonight, she was running through the scenarios of what would happen once she lost power in her head. Rationally, she knew that almost nothing would happen. She’d be bored for a couple of hours until she fell asleep and when she woke up in the morning, the lights would be back on and her life would go on as normal. But, in her head, she was convinced that the lights would cut, her phone would die, and then inevitably her murderer would break down the door, torture her for a few hours and then finally take her out of her misery. _You watch too much true crime,_ she thought to herself, rolling her eyes. 

Just as George was tracing the numbers 007 into Meredith Grey’s palm to let her know who he was, another crack of thunder made Sophia jump out of her skin. Less than a second later, another shock rolled through her when the doorbell rang twice in quick succession followed by four quick knocks on the door. There couldn’t possibly be anyone outside, a quick look out the window was enough to show you that driving had to be a damn near impossibility. _I knew it,_ she thought to herself, looking around the room for a weapon. _This is how you die. This is how your murder plays out._

Her eyes landed on Trevor’s old baseball bat leaning up against the wall in the corner by the television as the doorbell sounded again. Another four knocks. 

The rain seemed to start coming down even harder as Sophia stepped off the couch, tip-toeing towards the corner. She grabbed the baseball bat just as the windows lit up, another burst of thunder making her wince. 

_What’s the best way to hold a bat when you’re going to swing it at someones face?_ She’d never been into sports, she didn’t even know how to hold a baseball bat to hit a ball with, never mind to knock her potential killer unconscious. 

She crept towards the door, biting on her lip as four more knocks sounded, the doorbell ringing twice more. _Pretty loud for a killer._ It dawned on her that maybe she should have grabbed her phone so she could call 911 after she smashed whoever had come to murder her’s head in, but it was too late. Her hand was wrapping around the door knob, her other wrapped tightly around the handle of the baseball bat. She thought about warning whoever was on the other side that she was armed, but she figured it’d be better if they were surprised. 

She pulled the door open, her eyes moving quickly to her grip on the baseball bat before moving back in front of her. Whoever they were, they were looking down at their feet, their face concealed by a grey hoodie pulled over their head. She opened her mouth to ask them to identify themselves, but all of the air was sucked out of her lungs when a pair of brown eyes she hadn’t seen in years but would know anywhere met hers. Wet strings of brown hair were escaping the hood on his head, falling over his face. He was drenched, he looked tired, as if he hadn’t slept in a week. He was a little thinner than the last time she’d seen him, but she’d know him anywhere. A hundred years could go by and she’d never forget that face.

“You always answer the door with a weapon these days?” His voice hit hear ears and it was suddenly like she’d been hearing it all this time, like it hadn’t been a day since the last time he’d stood in front of her. She dropped the baseball bat to her side and shook her head, her voice coming out just above a whisper.

“Zac.”


	2. After All These Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from All These Years by Camila Cabello

_Your hairs grown a little longer_  
_Your arms look a little stronger_  
_Your eyes just as I remember_  
_Your smiles just a little softer_  
_And I never prepared for a moment like that_  
_In a second it all came back_  
_Cause after all these years_  
_I still feel everything when you are near_

Sophia  
Day One

  
“Are you going to invite me in? It’s a little wet out here.”

Sophia wasn’t sure how long she’d been staring open mouthed at the man standing on her little porch, but she could gauge that it was somewhere between too fucking long and have you forgotten how to string words together? She shook her head and dropped the baseball bat she was still holding on the floor by the door.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m not really sure, I kind of just-“ another burst of lightning flooded them in harsh yellow light, thunder booming directly after. “Can I…maybe come inside?”

“Yeah,” Sophia stepped aside, holding the door open a little wider for him to come in. Once he was inside she shut the door behind them and turned back to face him. He was already shrugging his sopping wet sweatshirt off. He toed his sneakers off and kicked them gently so that they landed beside the door. “Let me take that.”

She took the sweatshirt out of his hands and picked up his sneakers, walking quickly into the kitchen and then into the small laundry room at the edge of it. She opened the dryer and tossed them inside, placing her palms down on top of the machine. 

_Breathe,_ she thought to herself. _It’s not a murderer, it’s just Zac. Zac who you haven’t spoken to in three years. Zac, who the last time you’d talked, told you that talking to you hurt too much. He couldn’t stand the sound of your voice. It’s nothing._

She walked to the door of the laundry room and looked through the kitchen to where he was still standing by the door, his eyes scanning the living room.

“Do you…um, your shirt? Is it soaked?”

“No, the sweatshirt protected it,” he turned and smiled at her and she physically felt her knees weaken a bit underneath her. 

_Some things never change._

She nodded, turning back into the laundry room. She shut the dryer door and turned the machine on, leaning up against it.

Three years. Three years is a long time, and it had been longer than that if you counted the last time they’d seen each other. She’d all but given up the band, knowing she wouldn’t be able to keep herself away from him if she continued to go to shows the way she always had. He was like a magnet for her, pulling her toward him even when she knew she should stay as far away as possible. It had always been this way with them, they’d go a period of time with little to no contact and one or the other would decide - usually after a few drinks - to call the other, in some way run across the other, do anything to open the doors of communication back up. They’d fall back into a routine, every single time. They - _she_ \- couldn’t do it this time.

“You alright in here?” Her head snapped up, her eyes meeting his again. “Or are you just hiding from me?”

His voice was playful and light and she wasn’t really sure how. Him being there in front of her had settled onto her like a weight that she wasn’t sure how to shake off. He’s always had a large effect on her, from the very first time she’d set eyes on him, and she was positive that he always would. Just another reason why she’d done her best to stay away from him all this time. That had gone to hell, what with him showing up soaking wet and still looking like a God at her door. 

“Maybe I am hiding from you,” she admitted as she pushed herself off of the dryer and walked towards him, stopping just a foot in front of him. She reached out and wrapped a strand of his wet hair around her finger, letting it go after a second. “Do you want to use my blow dryer?”

He chuckled, shaking his head and taking her wrist gently in his hand. He pulled her into him and wrapped his arms around her, not too tight, but it didn’t stop her from feeling like she was suffocating.

“It’s good to see you.”

“Why _are_ you seeing me?” She turned her head up to look at him. His face had thinned out, and judging by the way his arms felt around her, he’d been working out again. He’d always gone through these phases where fitness was suddenly a huge thing in his life, a priority. They never lasted all that long, but the signs were there, and she couldn’t stop herself when she placed a hand on his chest. It was firm, more taut than it had been the last time she’d placed her hand there. She pulled herself gently out of his embrace and took a step back, tilting her head, telling him without words that she was waiting for an answer.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “We had a show here tonight. I know you haven’t been coming out, but I found myself looking for you. Pretty much all night, you know?” He smiled sadly. “If you were there-“

“I wasn’t.”

“I figured,” he nodded. “Did you know we were in town?”

“I’d heard,” she shrugged. She always knew when they were in town. Always a bit of a masochist, she’d kept track of him, of the band, over the years. She might have needed to put the space in between them, needed to free them both from the endless cycle they had lived in, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to know. Know that he was okay, that he was still thriving. “That doesn’t explain why you’re here…at my house.”

“I was sitting in my hotel room alone, and it was pouring…still is,” he motioned towards the kitchen. “The thunder was shaking the walls, and I was just sitting there, staring out the window, watching the lightning light up the sky and something told me to just get out, go for a drive. So I got dressed and got in the car-“

“Since when do you tour in a car?”

He grinned, shaking his head. She knew what he was thinking, leave it to Sophia to bring up tiny details of a story that didn’t really matter. Leave it to her to think these things were important.

“We don’t. I have some business to take care of here this week, so I rented one.”

“Business?”

“Yeah,” he nodded and looked away. “Anyway, I grabbed the keys and got in the car, and I thought I was just driving. Watching the storm, you know? I didn’t realize I was coming here until I was sitting in your driveway, looking up at the house and wondering what you were doing inside. In between the lightning I could see that the TV was on, so I knew you were here. I almost left, just backed out and drove away,” he turned his head back and looked at her, a small smile on his face. “But, something obviously made me come here.”

“You’re still into all that, huh?” She grinned. She couldn’t help it. He was always talking about fate and how things happened for a reason. If anyone in the world believed in meant to be’s and destiny, it was Zac Hanson. “All your predestination and providence?”

“You know me,” he shrugged, smiling again. “I haven’t changed.”

“You shouldn’t have been out driving in this, you’re going to get yourself killed one of these days,” she walked by him, nudging his hip with hers on her way by. She didn’t tell him to, but she could tell he was following her through the kitchen and into the living room. When she sat down on the couch, he sat down with her. When she looked over at him his eyes were on her, unmoving almost as if he looked away for a second she’d disappear. 

“How long are you in town? You said you had some mysterious business to take care of.”

“The next three days, we have a few days off so I-“ he pressed his lips together and then shook his head. “It’s not important, we scheduled the days like this on purpose.”

She nodded, wanting to ask him to tell her more, but she wouldn’t. After all, she didn’t have the right to. She’d given that up when she’d given _them_ up, and it wouldn’t be fair to act like she was entitled to his personal information, especially when he didn’t seem too eager to share. 

He turned and looked out the window as another strike of lightning lit up the house. He smiled and turned back to her.

“It was kind of like this, the night we met.”

“It wasn’t this bad,” she smiled, shaking her head. 

“Maybe not,” he shrugged. “But, it was raining pretty hard. You still jump, you know. When the thunder hits, you still flinch.”

“I know, I’m a wimp.”

“You’re not a wimp, it’s cute. It’s adorable now, just like it was then.”

\--

_Sophia had never met a local band playing in a dive bar that she didn’t like, and this night was no different. She was three cosmos in, and sure, they were made with off brand well liquor, but they did the job, and after the first one they tasted like any other Cosmo in the world. She was swaying along to the music, trying to hear all of the lyrics when she was bumped into from the side, her drink sloshing in its glass, a good amount of it hitting the floor. A hand landed on her arm, warm breath washing over the side of her face._

_“I’m so sorry, I can be such a klutz sometimes.”_

_She looked at the man grasping her arm and raised an eyebrow. No more than two hours ago she was in a different, bigger venue with a few friends watching his very much not local, not dive bar playing band._

_“I…” he shook his head a little bit, a small smile forming on his lips. “I know you, don’t I?”_

_“We’ve met. A couple times,” Sophia grinned, taking a sip of what remained of her drink. He looked like he was trying to do the math in his head, figure out where he knew her from and how. She was surprised he didn’t immediately put two and two together, but maybe based on the beer bottle in his hand, he’d had a few as well._

_“Are you-“ he tilted his head. It was almost like he was holding his cards close to the vest, not wanting to say who he was if she didn’t already know. She laughed and nodded, taking another sip of her drink._

_“A fan, yeah. But, I’m not one of the crazy ones, don’t worry.”_

_“Well, thank God for small favors,” he chuckled, sipping his own beer. “Looks like I spilled quite a bit of your drink. Can I get you a new one?”_

_“You don’t have to do that.”_

_“I don’t have to, but I want to.”_

_He took her now empty cup out of her hand and led her to the bar. He squished into an empty spot, tapping his fingers on the bar top while they waited for the bartender._

_“What are you drinking anyway?” He turned his head to look at her and smiled and she felt something inside of her melt just a little bit._

_“Cosmos.”_

_“Ah, very Sex and the City.”_

_She raised an eyebrow and laughed. The bartender made his way to them and Zac ordered Sophia’s Cosmo along with another beer for him, a Blue Moon. He turned to her, handing her her drink and they walked to a small circular table at the corner of the room, her leaning her elbows on one side of it, him the other._

_“So, who are you then…a Carrie or a-“_

_“Do you watch much Sex and the City?” She laughed, bringing her cup to her mouth._

_“Maybe a little.”_

_“I guess I’d be a Carrie,” she shrugged, placing her cup down. “If I had to choose.”_

_“Me too,” he laughed, and she did the same. She’d spoken to him several times in the past, always by a parked tour bus at the end of the night or in a similar situation, but here, he was different. She’d never viewed him as particularly guarded, but it was clear that he had been and now his guard was all the way down. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about what this would be like, sipping a drink with him, talking as if they knew each other, as if she were more to him than just some girl who bought his records and travelled to his shows. What she’d never done was expect exactly how it would feel when his eyes were on her, his professional Drummer-in-the-Band-You-Came-to-See facade dropped completely and he was transformed into just another patron of the bar they were in. It was more powerful than any number of cosmos she could drink, and already, just a few short exchanges in, she could feel her head swirling from the rush of his attention. She didn’t know what exactly she wanted from him and his attention, but whatever it was she knew she wanted more._

_“So, not that I don’t want to talk about your secret Sex and the City passion, but what brings you to this little hole in the wall?”_

_“My buddy is in this band,” he motioned across the room towards the stage. “I told him I’d come check it out.”_

_“They’re pretty good,” she smiled. “I don’t want to keep you from seeing them. Don’t feel like you have to talk to me just because you made me spill my drink.”_

_“I don’t feel like I have to,” he shrugged. “But, I want to.”_

_“Why?” She sipped her drink again, squinting her eyes a little bit. She couldn’t think of a single reason why Zac Hanson would want to spend his night talking to a girl like her._

_“There’s something about you,” he shrugged again. “I just realized, I don’t even know your name.”_

_“Sophia,” she grinned._

_“Sophia,” he repeated. “That’s a pretty name. I’m sure you know mine.”_

_She smirked, shaking her head, “how would I know your name? I’ve never seen you in my life.”_

_“In that case,” he grinned. “It’s Jackson. Definitely Jackson.”_

_“Weird, you look more like a Zac.”_

_“I hear that a lot. No h, no k.”_

_“Definitely no h, no k.”_

_“Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Sophia,” Zac stretched his arm across the table, holding his hand out. Sophia lifted an eyebrow and put her hand in his._

_“You too, Zac…I mean, Jackson.”_

_They spent the next three hours and too many drinks chatting around that table, Zac opening up to Sophia about how nice it is to get out sometimes without anyone knowing who you are. ‘Except you,’ he’d said. ‘But it doesn’t seem like you really care about all that.’_

_She realized sometime in the three hours that she really didn’t. He could have been anyone, bared any name, and as long as he was exactly who he seemed to be, she’d still have spent those hours standing there in that tiny bar talking to him. He was funny and lighthearted and he seemed amused by her sarcasm. They went match for match with their banter and it made her feel like she’d known him forever, and maybe in a way she had, but all she could think about was how badly she wanted to really know him now. She knew that their time together was coming to an end and it was making her feel like it was a crime that they hadn’t found each other at some other time in their lives, in some other universe where he wasn’t who he was and didn’t have the circumstances that he had. She’d never believed in fate - really, she still didn’t - but she believed in one thing by the time that third hour was up, and it was that she was supposed to know Zac Hanson._

_As the bar made the announcement that last call was up, Sophia lifted herself into a full standing position for the first time in hours. Her back was a little achy from leaning over that table for all that time, but she almost felt like it was worth it._

_“I guess I better go pay my tab,” she motioned towards the bar._

_“Please, let me,” Zac smiled, pushing himself off the table and walking with her to the bar. “It’s the least I can do for all the company you gave me tonight.”_

_“You didn’t even get to talk to your friend, I took up all your time.”_

_“It’s okay, I can talk to him anytime.”_

_She smiled as they leaned up against the bar together, a comfortable silence dropping around them. Zac paid both of their tabs, leaving the bartender a hefty tip, and they walked to the door, grabbing their jackets from the little coat rack the bar had left by it._

_When they stepped outside they were both a little shocked to see that it was suddenly pouring, the sky dark grey and ominous looking. A flash of lightning followed a handful of seconds later by a roll of thunder caused Sophia to jump a little bit. Zac laughed quietly, shaking his head._

_“It’s like we went in there in one world and came out in another.”_

_“I hate storms,” Sophia mumbled. “I have to walk home.”_

_“How far is the walk?”_

_“Just a few minutes, I’m only a couple of blocks away from here.”_

_“My hotel is a twenty five minute walk, I didn’t expect the skies to open up before I got back.”_

_Sophia looked up at Zac and opened her mouth to say something, and then shook her head. She glanced across the street at the open Rite Aid and then looked at him again._

_“I think I’m going to go over there and buy an umbrella. I’ll never make it home without one,” She jumped lightly again as another burst of thunder sounded around them._

_“I’ll go, you stay right here under this awning.”_

_“You don’t have-“_

_“I know,” he smiled, placing a hand on her hip. “But I want to.”_

_“You…say that a lot.”_

_“I mean it a lot,” he smiled again. “Now don’t move.”_

_She watched him sprint across the street and then duck into the Rite Aid. She leaned up against the building and couldn’t help but smile to herself. So, Zac Hanson was a real gentleman. That was a bit of information she wasn’t aware that she needed when she woke up that morning, but she was happier for knowing it._

_She dug her pack of cigarettes out of her purse and put one between her lips, digging her lighter out next. She turned so that she was facing the building, making it easier to light it. She took a long drag, closing her eyes for a second. It had been hours since she’d had a cigarette, but she couldn’t bare the thought of walking away from Zac, even for the five minutes it would have taken her to have a smoke._

_“You shouldn’t do that, you know.”_

_She jumped, turning around to face Zac, her cigarette halfway to her mouth._

_“Never heard that before.”_

_“It’s bad for you, you should quit,” he shrugged, the umbrella he’d bought opened and held over his head. “Come on, let’s walk.”_

_“I’m this way, is your ho-“_

_“Doesn’t matter, I’m going to walk you home.”_

_She looked up at him again as he grabbed her wrist lightly and pulled her underneath the umbrella with him. She knew better by now than to tell him that he didn’t have to. He’d only let her know that he wanted to. She grinned up at him and shook her head._

_“Alright.”_

_The usual ten minute walk back to Sophia’s house only took them a little more than five, the both of them falling somewhere between a walk and a sprint, Zac careful to keep the umbrella covering the both of them. When they finally reached the path from the sidewalk to the porch they jogged to it, Zac shaking the umbrella out and closing it._

_“I had a lot of fun with you tonight,” he leaned the umbrella up against the house and pulled her into a light hug. “It was nice to just be normal with someone who isn’t related to me in some way for a few hours.”_

_“I had fun too, thank you for buying the drinks,” she tilted her head and smiled. “And the umbrella.”_

_“Hopefully I’ll see you again? At a show?”_

_“For sure.”_

_“I guess I’ll just call a cab. You don’t have to wait out here with me,” as if on cue, the thunder came and she jumped, wincing a little at her own ridiculousness. She was only met with a small smile as he pulled a cell phone out of his back pocket._

_“Okay,” she nodded. “Well, thank you again. Good luck on the rest of your tour.”_

_He smiled and thanked her, grabbing the umbrella from it’s place against the house and opening it again. She turned towards the house and dug her keys out of her purse, sliding the right one into the lock. She turned back to him just as he pressed the phone to his ear._

_“Hey, Zac,” he turned and looked at her, another smile on his lips. “Do you want to…maybe come in? For a drink?”_

_\--_

Zac picked up Sophia’s wine glass and she watched with amusement as he smelled it, swirled it around in the glass and then took a small sip before placing it back down on the table.

“Moscato still, huh? Looks like it’s not only me who hasn’t changed.”

“I like what I like,” she shrugged. 

“Do you still like me?” He looked at her and she couldn’t read his face, she used to always be able to read his face.

“What?”

“I just mean…do you hate me Soph? I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

What a loaded question. If she were honest with the both of them, there had been a period of time right after that last phone call where she did think she hated him. The mention of his name, the sight of his face, brought out such strong feelings in her that the only name she knew to give them was hate. It hadn’t taken her long to figure out that it was the opposite of hatred that had been making her feel the way she felt. She loved him. She loved him fiercely and - unfortunately without choice - quietly, and she’d had to let him go in much the same way. There was only one person on her side who even knew that there was such a thing as Sophia and Zac, and she’d been such a blessing through the whole thing. But, after a while, Sophia had to admit to herself that it was too much, and she’d started learning how to handle - how to cope with - it on her own. The day that Sophia admitted to herself that there was just too much love inside of her for Zac was the day that the loss of him started to become a little bit easier, a little more bearable. Hate wasn’t on the table, it never was.

“I don’t hate you, Zac.”

He shifted a little closer to her on the couch and took her hand, turning it gently over and over in between both of his.

“I’m sorry,” his voice was low and quiet, his eyes were leveled on their hands. “For everything. For the last time we spoke, for letting us fall in love in the first place. I’ve been miserable without you.”

“Zac,” she sighed, gently pulling her hand from his. 

“I didn’t come here to try to win you back,” he shook his head. “I don’t know why I came, really. I just-“ he looked her in her eyes again, his usual smile flipped into a frown. “Things are changing for me, Soph. I can’t really talk about it right now…even if I could, I don’t know if I’d want to yet, but there are changes happening, some that probably should have happened a long time ago. I could really use a friend right now.”

“And you thought that, what? Your old mistress would be the best person to pick for a friend?”

Her tone was light, she didn’t want to hurt him and she wasn’t looking for an argument, she just didn’t understand where he was coming from. Their history did nothing if not show that friends was not something they were capable of being. She wasn’t even sure that being his friend was something she’d want. How do you hold a friendship with someone who’s smile makes your knees let go from underneath you? How can you sustain a friendship when every time they’re in front of you, you want nothing more than to crawl into their lap and kiss them until neither of you can breathe?

“You weren’t my mistress, you know it was more than that.”

“I know how we felt, but I was still your mistress. No matter how we cut it, that’s what it was.”

“Soph, I lo-“

“Do you want a drink?” Sophia jumped off the couch, walking towards the kitchen. “I have some beer, theres a little wine left. Um. Diet Coke? Water?”

She couldn’t do this with him. Not here, not now. Probably not ever. Talking about their feelings, regardless of if they were in the past or present for him was not something that Sophia wanted to get into in the middle of a terrifying storm. It was bad enough that he was there, sitting in her house. Bringing up the past probably wasn’t for the best. 

“A beer would be good,” he called from the living room, and she could hear the change in his voice. Some kind of cross between regret and want. 

Just as Sophia was pulling the Blue Moon - a holdover from their days together - from the fridge, a burst of lightning lit up the entire house, a crack of thunder reverberating on the walls, and all of the lights, all at once, flickered out.

“Shit!” Sophia cursed, slamming the refrigerator door shut. “Shit.”

“It’s okay,” she heard Zac rustle around in the living room and then she saw the beam of light coming from his phones flashlight. “Here,” he walked to her side, taking the beer out of her hand and twisting the cap off. He took a long sip and then looked at her again. “You have any candles laying around?”

“Yeah, um-“ her hands were slightly shaking, and suddenly she couldn’t quite think straight. It was just a power outage, she knew it, and she knew she’d be fine. She had someone else here with her now, protection. There’s no way a murderer would come for her while there was a man in the house willing to protect her.

Maybe she was looking for protection for all of the wrong things.

“Sophia, candles?” Zac’s voice shook her out of her thoughts and she nodded, pointing to the cabinet above the stove’s vent.

“Right, there. Up there.”

Zac handed her his phone and the beer and reached up and opened the cabinet, pulling a bunch of candles down and filling his arms with them.

“Lighter? Are you still smoking?”

“In the drawer by the stove, and I don’t want to hear it,” she rolled her eyes, pointing the phones flashlight at the small junk drawer. 

“You really should quit-“

“It’s bad for you. Yeah, yeah, I know.”

“I’m just saying,” he grinned at her, walking past her and into the living room. “A little light in here?”

Sophia walked into the living room and held the phone up, watching as Zac set almost a dozen candles of all shapes and sizes on the coffee table. He lit them one by one, placing the lighter down when he was finished. The room was filled with a yellow glow, Zac smiling up at her as he sat back down on the couch.

“See, all set.”

“My hero,” Sophia mumbled, sitting back down next to him. “Seriously, thank you.”

“I’m just glad that I chose tonight to show up, I know how panicky you are.”

“Shut up,” she shook her head and smiled.

“When did you dye your hair?” He plucked a strand of her auburn hair between his fingers and held it between them. “I like it.”

“You know me,” she shrugged. “I’m always changing it.”

“My favorite is still the black,” he grinned.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she rolled her eyes again, reaching for her wine glass. Just as she wrapped her fingers around the stem a burst of thunder shocked her and she dropped it, spilling it all over the table.

“God damn it!” She jumped up and moved to walk to the kitchen.

“I got it, it’s okay,” Zac stood up and put a hand on her arm. “Just sit down, I’ll clean it up.”

She watched as he walked out of the room and then back into it holding the roll of paper towels and the trash can. He swept the broken glass into the trash and then wiped the table up, smiling at her.

“See, no crying over spilt…wine.”

He walked back out of the room and came back in with another beer in his hand, already uncapped. 

“Here.”

“Thank you,” she sighed, taking a sip of the beer. 

They sat in the quiet for a few minutes, each drinking their beers. It was nice, she thought, having him around again. She knew it couldn’t last, they couldn’t hold up a friendship of any kind. It wasn’t good for either of them, and they both knew it inside. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting to come after this, but she knew what the next couple of weeks would be like once he left. It was always the same, detoxing from Zac Hanson. Long, painful, a slow recovery. Almost worth it, she thought, to be able to exist in the same place as him, even just for a little while.

“I remember the first time I came here,” he looked over at her, smiling. “We lost power that night, too.”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “It was so cold.”

“We kept each other warm.”

“Zac,” she warned, looking at him, her eyes narrowed.

“What?” He laughed. “We did, remember?”

“I remember.”

“It feels like a lifetime ago.”

“It almost was,” she smiled. “Some days I don’t even feel like the same person that I was then.”

“You’re telling me. I’m gonna get another one,” Zac held up his beer and shook the bottle a little. “You good?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Two hours went by, Zac and Sophia sitting on the couch, talking about almost nothing at all, but talking none-the-less. The power was still out and Sophia had resigned herself to the fact that it probably wouldn’t be back on anytime soon. They’d drank the rest of the beer in the fridge, and the thought of being left alone in the house all by herself with no power started to settle on her right before Zac stood up, stretching his arms over his head.

“I should probably go, you probably want to get to sleep.”

“Yeah,” Sophia stood up. “I should.”

“My shoes, and my sweatshirt…” Zac looked towards the laundry room. “I’ll just go get them.”

He picked his phone off the table and flipped the flashlight on, heading towards the kitchen.

“Zac?” He turned his head and she could barely see his face in the dark of the other room.

“Yeah?”

“Can you…I mean, it’s late and it’s still pouring…”

He smiled and walked toward her, stopping when he could see her face.

“Are you asking me to stay?”

“I mean,” she looked around, waving her hand towards the windows. “It’s storming and it’s so late, I don’t want you to have to drive…” the grin on his face made her words catch in her throat and she rolled her eyes. “Yes, fine. Yes, I’m asking you to stay.”

“Because you want me to stay or because you don’t want to be alone?”

“Yes,” she nodded and then shook her head. “I mean, both.”

“Of course I’ll stay, you just had to ask.”

Sophia knew she was in the wrong when she insisted that Zac could sleep in the bed with her. Sure, he’d slept in this same bed in the past, more times than a few, but it wasn’t just her bed anymore. It wasn’t just her life anymore, either, and she knew that. She’d be lying if she said that the life she was living had filled her with any overwhelming amount of satisfaction. She knew she was kind of stuck. Stuck in an endless loop of the same, day after day, and she was too complacent to lift herself out of it. But, she also knew that until she did, she had more to be thinking about than herself.

That was hard to do, though, when Zac slid into the bed beside her. He’d spent five minutes lighting another dozen candles, six on each night stand, promising to blow them out once she fell asleep. The sense of gratefulness that washed over her when he did it without her even mentioning how reluctant she was to be in the dark didn’t shock her. He’d always been that way, going out of his way to make sure she was content…as much as he could, that is.

He didn’t know about Trevor, and Trevor didn’t know about him. She’d met Trevor right about eight months after the last time they’d spoken, and she was finally waking up in the morning without picking up the phone and _almost_ calling Zac. She was finally going to sleep at night without crying, basking in the regret that she didn’t ask him for more, that she didn’t force them to make things work. The last thing that she wanted to do when she’d met a guy who from all outward appearances seemed perfect for her was relive the trauma of losing who she was almost convinced was her soulmate. She’d been one foot out the door with Trevor for months now, differences that they just couldn’t seem to overcome proving to be too much for her to live with, and she told herself that that was the only reason she was allowing this closeness between her and Zac. She knew it wasn’t the whole truth, though. She knew that she’d always crave it, always want him by her side if she could have him. She’d done a good job of telling herself otherwise all of this time. 

When Zac slid his arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him, she turned her head to look at him and the picture of him knocked her breath straight out of her chest. His hair was down, falling over the pillow, over his shoulder, and his eyes were bright despite the darkness in the room. 

“I’m not going to try anything unseemly,” he smiled, his voice low. “I promise. I just…can’t go to sleep without doing this.”

He closed the space between their faces, his lips pressing against hers. It only lasted a second or two, but when he drew back, he smiled and she shook her head a little bit.

“What?” He whispered.

“Nothing,” she whispered back, leaning into him and kissing him this time. Soft, chaste, quick. “Nothing.”

\--

_Six more empty Blue Moon bottles sat on the coffee table, three for him, three for her. They’d been sitting on the couch swapping stories about their lives, most of them Zac’s experiences on the road, her experiences following his band. They’d laughed and drank and fallen into a camaraderie that Sophia wasn’t sure she’d felt between her and a man in her life._

_It was nearing four in the morning when he stretched his legs out in front of him and yawned. He scooted closer to Sophia on the couch and yawned again, then laughed._

_“I should go, I’ve kept you up really late…” his eyes trailed over her face and he seemed to be thinking about something. “But, before I go…I just have to do something or I’ll regret it forever.”_

_Sophia laughed and tilted her head, “oh yeah? Wha-“_

_His mouth on hers answered her question. Her eyes fluttered shut as his hands landed on her waist, his tongue slipping into her mouth. He kissed her in a way she hadn’t been kissed by anyone else, with a tenderness that made her feel like it meant something to him. He pulled back after almost a minute and smiled._

_“I couldn’t leave without doing that.”_

_He stood up, pulling her with him and wrapped her in a hug._

_“I hope I see you again.”_

_She looked up at him, and something about the way there was a slight sparkle in his eye made one simple word fall from her mouth before she’d had time to think about it._

_“Stay.”_

_“Stay?” His fingers laced with hers and she nodded, leaning up and pressing her mouth to his._

_“Okay,” he whispered against her lips, deepening their kiss. She wasn’t sure how it happened but their hands were moving, clothes being shed onto the living room carpet as if they’d each told each other without words that this was what they needed. Zac put his hands back on Sophia’s hips and lifted her easily, her legs wrapping around his waist._

_“Bedroom?” His voice was muffled against her mouth._

_“That way,” Sophia nodded towards the door of her bedroom and he smiled against her, walking them easily into the room. Just as he kicked the door shut behind them, the lights flickered once before going out completely._

_“Shit,” she whispered, her body stiffening in his arms._

_“It’s okay, I got you,” he kissed her as he gently lowered her onto the bed and climbed on top of her, his lips landing on her neck, one hand holding him up, the other running down her side. She felt the tension leave her body, not sure why the touch of a practical stranger calmed her._

_His hand was brushing over her panties, a finger slipping underneath the fabric to push them aside and she put her hand on his chest, pushing gently._

_“Zac, wait,” she whispered._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_“Nothing, it’s just,” her hand went to his neck, fingers playing over the thin black necklace he was wearing. She drew her fingers down it until they landed on the smooth surface of the wedding band hanging from it. “What about this?”_

_His eyes darkened for a second before she shook his head once, taking her hand and removing it from the ring, his fingers lacing through hers again._

_“I don’t want to talk about it right now, right now is about you, but don’t worry about it.”_

_She didn’t know what that meant, and she really didn’t want to think about it. Right now was about her. Him. This, right here, right now. She nodded, bringing her other hand up to the back of his neck and pulling his face back down to hers._

_He tightened his grip on her hand, kissing her a little more urgently than before. He let go of her hand, his own hands moving over her body as if her skin were a precious, fragile thing. His lips were everywhere, hands gently sliding her panties off. When his fingers landed on her, moving slowly but with purpose, she sighed, burying her fingers in his hair._

_He put a hand on her cheek, his eyes on hers as if he were trying to read her mind. She leaned her mouth up to kiss him and he smiled, running his thumb gently over her cheek._

_“Are you sure you want to do this? You can tell me to stop and we can just go to sleep.”_

_“No,” she kissed him again, breathing out when his hand stopped moving on her, his finger tips trailing over her leg, landing on her hip. “I want this. I want you.”_

_He smiled again, his lips colliding with hers. As he slid into her, everything was electrified. She felt like she was floating outside of her body, dreaming an impossible dream, sure she’d open her eyes in a little while and find that none of this had ever happened, all of it just a hallucination caused by her paranoia about the storm._

_One of his arms slid underneath her, their bodies pressed firmly together as he moved inside her. She wasn’t sure about much in life, but it hit her suddenly, like an unavoidable truth that couldn’t be washed away, not now, maybe not ever. For the first time in her life, Sophia had fallen in love, all at once, quickly, without choice. By force of circumstance she could tell that in just a handful of short hours something had happened that was going to change everything, she didn’t know how or to what extent, but Zac Hanson was going to change her life._

_\--_

His hands were beneath her shirt, fingers running over her back, their lips moving together in a way that was ingrained in them, a dance that no matter how long went in between the times they did it, they’d never forget exactly how to move together. Sophia moved a hand, laying it on Zac’s chest, pushing him gently.

“What’s wrong?” He breathed, moving her hair back from her face.

“I want to-“ she sighed, shaking her head. “I want to do this, but I can’t. We can’t.”

He looked at her for a second and then smiled, leaning forward and kissing her gently on the forehead.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer to him. “It’s okay, let’s just sleep.”

“You still amaze me sometimes,” she reached up, pressing her hand to his face. His hand came up and covered hers, each of his fingers sliding between each of hers. 

“Why’s that?”

“You just do,” she smiled, shrugging. “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known.”

He smiled, kissing her on the forehead again. His arms tightened around her, her head resting on his chest.

“I missed you so fucking much,” he spoke into her hair, his breath warm on her head. “You don’t even know.”

“I think I do,” she tilted her head up, kissing him quickly on the chin. “I think I definitely do.”


	3. You're Quicksand

_And I'll do anything you say_  
_If you say it with your hands_  
 _And I'd be smart to walk away_  
 _But you're quicksand_

_This slope is treacherous_   
_This path is reckless_   
_This slope is treacherous_   
_And I like it_

Sophia  
Day Two

Sophia’s eyes fluttered open, the sight in front of her equal parts making her smile and making her heart hurt. Zac was asleep, still facing her, his hair everywhere, mouth parted just a tiny bit. He was breathing in and out slowly, tiny wisps of breath leaving his lips. 

She untangled herself from the covers, moving his hand gently off of her side and slid out of the bed. She looked down at him again and smiled, walking to his side of the bed and kissing him softly on the cheek. There was a time in her life when she had thought that maybe, someday, this could be her every day. This could be their life - together. If she were a more reasonable person, she would have known from the minute they started that they were not a possibility. He already had someone else, if she were a better person she never would have let this whole thing start with him to begin with. 

She turned to walk to the bathroom, but his fingers wrapping around her wrist stopped her.

“Where you going?” He smiled, voice gravelly and full of sleep. 

“I was going to wash my face,” she smiled back. “Morning.”

“Morning,” he pulled her gently down onto the bed with him. He wrapped his arms around her, nuzzling her neck with his nose. “Stay in bed for a little while.”

“I have some errands to run,” against her better judgement, she wrapped her arms around him and ran her hand up and down his back. 

“What time is it? They can wait.”

She looked over at the cable box across the room and sighed.

“I have no idea, powers still out.”

“Even more reason to stay here,” he kissed her shoulder and then her jaw. “Just stay here with me.”

“Okay,” she relented, tilting her head back when his lips found her neck. “What’re you doing?”

“Nothing,” he murmured against her skin. “Just saying good morning.”

“Is this how you say good morning now?”

“This is always how we said good morning,” he ran a hand down her side and over her leg, his fingers lightly moving over the skin of her inner thigh. “The best kind of good mornings.”

“Zac,” she whined, his teeth biting into the skin of her neck a little, his fingers trailing to the waistband of her pajama pants and dipping underneath just a little, running along her skin lightly. 

“If you say stop, I’ll stop,” his lips moved to the corner of her mouth and he looked her in the eyes. “Just tell me to stop and I will.”

She looked at him as his hand disappeared inside her pajama pants and pushed inside of her panties, he ran a finger lightly against her and she sucked in a breath. 

“Tell me to stop,” he repeated, kissing her quickly before looking at her again. She opened her mouth to tell him, tell him that they couldn’t, that they shouldn’t, but then he smiled and every reason in the world, the long list she’d created in her head, vanished. She shook her head no and pulled his mouth back down to hers.

“Don’t stop,” she whispered before pressing her lips to his. 

—

_”Rise and shine.”_

_Sophia opened her eyes to the picture of an actual angel standing over her bed. A plate of bacon in one hand, a giant glass of orange juice in the other._

_“Scoot over, I made us some hangover medicine.”_

_She grinned, pushing herself into a sitting position and moving over so he could sit down next to her. They leaned against the headboard, their sides touching, and he placed a small kiss to her temple before picking up a piece of bacon and holding it out to her._

_“You cooked bacon in my kitchen,” she smiled, taking it from him and biting into it._

_“I woke up starving and you looked so adorable, I couldn’t wake you. Believe it or not, I know my way around a kitchen. Not, like, well or anything…but I can cook without burning the house down.”_

_“Good to know,” she reached for the glass or orange juice and took a long sip before holding it back out to him._

_“I have to head out in about and hour and a half, we have a meeting downtown, but I’m here for another night. Can I take you to dinner?”_

_“Do you really think that’s a great idea?” Sophia turned to him, picking another piece of bacon off the plate._

_“Probably not, but I’d still like to.”_

_“I don’t want to get you in trouble, I’d hate to be the reason for any kind of drama.”_

_He looked at her, seemingly digesting her words. He picked a piece of bacon up and shoved the entire thing in his mouth before nodding._

_“You’re right,” he placed the plate down on the nightstand next to the orange juice and turned to her, taking her hands in his. “Someday, I’ll take you out to dinner. But, tonight? Tonight I’m coming back here with take-out. Any kind you want.”_

_“You promise?”_

_“Yeah, any kind you wa-“_

_“No, the other part. You’ll take me out to dinner someday.”_

_He grinned, putting both of his hands on her cheeks and pulling her face to his._

_“I promise.”_

_He kissed her, his mouth tasting like bacon and the lingering beer from last night. She could get used to this - she wanted to get used to this._

_“So, how do you feel about taking a shower?” He raised an eyebrow, his mouth raised on one side in a smirk. “With me?”_

—

They were laying on their backs in the bed, the sheet pulled up to their chests, Sophia’s head on Zac’s shoulder. She already knew that being with him like that again was signing her own misery contract. It was always the same, and it would never change. She’d be happy for a little while and then things would go to shit. Still, she couldn’t make herself feel regret, she’d loved him for so long.

“When are you going to tell me what this business you have to take care of is?” She was running her fingers gently back and forth over his chest, his fingers were absently playing with her hair. 

“Soon,” he sighed. “I promise I’ll tell you, I just can’t tell you right now. I don’t want to talk about it until it’s done, you know?”

“No,” she moved on to her side, tilting her head to look at him. “I don’t know, because you wont tell me. But, I’ll accept it.”

“I know I keep saying it,” he kissed her forehead, leaving his lips pressed against it for a little longer than usual. “But, I really missed you Soph.”

“I know,” she smiled. “Me too.”

“I want to spend as much time with you as I can while I’m here,” his fingers were still running through her hair and the sensation made her close her eyes.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I have to leave soon to go…I have to go out for a little while, but can I come back?”

“How long until you leave and you don’t come back?”

He sighed, his hand stilling in her hair.

“Soph.”

“No, I know. It is what it is, I’m just asking.”

“I want to stay and never leave,” he pressed his lips to her forehead again. “You know I do.”

—

_Just like he promised, six o’clock rolled around and Sophia answered the door to see Zac with bags of take-out in his hands and a smile on his face._

_“Delivery!”_

_She laughed and held the door open so he could come in, closing it behind him._

_“Where do you want me to put this?”_

_“Coffee tables fine,” she said, following him into the living room. “One of the perks of being an adult and living alone is that you don’t have to eat at the table if you don’t want to.”_

_Zac started unpacking the bags which appeared to contain every item the Chinese take-out offered._

_“Hope you like Chinese,” he grinned up at her. “Plates?”_

_“I’ll get them,” she smiled, walking to the kitchen and pulling a couple of plates from the cabinet. She grabbed some forks and napkins and joined Zac where he was sitting on the couch._

_They ate in a comfortable silence, laughing every so often at the re-run of The Office that was playing on the TV._

_When they’d eaten far more than two normal adults should consume in one meal, they both leaned back on the couch, their hands on their stomachs._

_“This is going to sound kind of weird,” Zac said, rolling his head to the side to look at Sophia. “But, I kind of missed you while I was gone. I wanted to get back here as soon as I could. I haven’t felt like that about a place in a while.”_

_“Really?” She grinned, looking over at him. “I’m going to ask a question, and you don’t really need to answer it.”_

_“Shoot.”_

_“Why? What is it about me that you like?”_

_“So far?” He sat up, leaning towards her. “Everything.”_

_“You don’t know me that well yet,” she laughed._

_“Maybe not, but I want to.”_

_“You’re charming, you know that? I bet you’ve heard that before.”_

_“Me? Not even once.”_

_“Shut up,” she laughed, swatting at him. He grabbed her hand from the air and pulled her into him, his other arm slipping around her waist._

_“I can shut up,” he whispered, the hand that was holding hers finding it’s place at the back of her neck. He kissed her, slowly at first, but a little more eagerly after a few seconds, his tongue sliding inside of her mouth and moving with hers._

_Before Sophia even had time to process what they were doing or how she was finding herself in the same position with him that she’d been in last night, his hands were underneath her shirt, pulling it up over her head. Her fingers worked on the buttons of his button down, pushing it off his shoulders. Everything about him was perfect, the exact picture of what she looked for and she couldn’t help herself as she ducked her head down, laying kisses across his chest and up to his neck. Their pants were next, they fumbled a little bit, their foreheads lightly colliding, but laughed it off, Zac pulling her onto his lap so she was straddling him._

_“You’re amazing,” he smiled, pushing his hand into her hair, one on her hip. “I could do this all day.”_

_“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” she laughed, her laughter quickly turning into a muffled moan when he pushed his hips up into her slowly making their bodies rub together._

_“You saying you don’t like this?” He did it again, both of them moaning softly at the contact._

_“No,” she whispered, leaning down to kiss him._

_He continued to move them, one hand firmly on her waist, one snaking up her back, settling on her neck, his fingers back in her hair. The thought that she was grinding up against Zac Hanson, completely naked, on her couch flashed through her mind, and she almost laughed at the absurdity of it all until he thrust against her again and every thought except how good it felt disappeared._

_“Gotta have you,” he spoke between kisses. “Can I have you, Soph?”_

_No one had ever called her that before, but suddenly she loved the way her new nickname sounded to her ears._

_“You can have me,” she tilted her head back, his mouth landing on her neck. “Whenever you want me.”_

_—_

_Zac did things to her, made her feel things sexually that Sophia had never experienced in her life. She wondered if maybe she’d been doing this sex thing wrong her whole life, or maybe he was just that good. She’d never in her life had more than one orgasm, but right then, laying on a blanket on her living room floor, Zac knelt in between her legs, sliding in and out of her at a rhythm that could only be attributed to his lifetime of drumming, they were working on her third._

_“You better come with me this time,” she breathed, her hand sliding up his chest, appreciating the way he looked with a slight sheen of sweat covering him. “Cause I’m spent.”_

_“Oh yeah?” He smiled down at her, taking her at her word and thrusting into her faster. “I can’t help but want to keep going all night, you feel so good.”_

_She reached up and pulled him down to her, kissing him hard and fast before letting him go. She pushed him off of her and onto his back on the floor, climbing on top of him._

_“Show me how good.”_

_She lowered herself onto him, moaning low and throaty. She leaned back and put a hand on his thigh to keep her stable and began to move on him, smiling at the growl that met her ears._

_Both of his hands grasped her hips hard, helping her to move. They weren’t holding anything back, each other’s names and four letter words falling from their lips as they both fell towards the end. When they finished, Sophia dropped her body down onto his, laying there for a few seconds to even her breathing before rolling off of him onto her back beside him._

_“You’re incredible,” he turned to face her and propped himself up on his elbow, pulling another blanket from the couch and covering them with it._

_“Not so bad yourself,” she grinned, leaning over to kiss him quickly._

—

Somehow in the forty-five minutes from when Zac told Sophia he wanted to stay and the next time either of them spoke, Sophia had found herself laying down on her side on the couch, her head in Zac’s lap while he ran his fingers through her hair. The power was still out so she’d turned on the bluetooth speaker, setting a random Spotify playlist for background noise. She wasn’t sure what he was thinking about, but her mind was racing. Every start and stop between them throughout the last eleven years was playing through her mind like a bunch of previously seen on insert show name here segments. There was no denying that Zac Hanson had been the greatest love of her life thus far - but no denying that he’d also been the greatest cause of pain. 

He’d come into her life like a tornado, all energy and wind, uprooting everything she thought she knew about herself, and he’d left like an earthquake, leaving a path of wreckage and destruction in his wake. It had taken her three long years to clean up the mess he’d left behind, and if she were honest, there were still signs of the damage he’d left behind all over her being. So, why was she letting him back in so easily? What was it about him that made it impossible for her to turn him away and protect her heart?

Love. It was the only explanation, the only excuse. If they were wrong, if they weren’t supposed to be together, why couldn’t they just accept that and let it die? How many days and months and years did they have to let be marked by each other before they threw in the towel for good and did what they should?

“I don’t want to, but I have to go,” he put a finger on her chin and turned her face so she was looking at him. “I meant what I said, I want to come back. Can I?”

She nodded up at him, taking his finger from her cheek and wrapping her hand in his.

“You can always come back, you know that. That’s why you always do.”

—

_They’d spent the night wrapped up in the blankets of Sophia’s bed, rotating between talking, giggling and lazily making out. The rain had started coming down again and the lights were still out, but they’d lit some candles and cozied up inside the bed, his arms around her enough to make her forget that she didn’t have power. Who needed power when you had this?_

_“Can I ask you something?” They’d moved to their sides, facing each other. They were close enough that even through the dark, she could see his face perfectly. It wasn’t lost on her that he was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. She’d never been much for outward appearances, but the vision in front of her was nothing short of spectacular and she wasn’t sure how anything else would ever compare._

_“You can ask me anything you want,” he smiled, running a fingertip along her jaw._

_“Why are you…I just mean-“ she sighed, shaking her head. “It’s going to sound bad no matter how I say it, so I’m just going to say it. Why are you married? You obviously…well, I think it’s obvious that you don’t love her…or you wouldn’t be here with me.”_

_“Wow,” one corner of his mouth lifted. “Straight to the hard stuff.”_

_“You don’t have to answer, it was out of line.”_

_“No,” he shook his head. “I said you could ask me anything. I meant it.”_

_He grabbed one of her hands and slowly folded each of her fingers into his and then kissed her hand._

_“It’s not that I don’t love her, it’s more that I’m not in love with her. I know that sounds cliche and ridiculous. Leave it to the underdog musician to have some horribly cliche excuse for why he stays in a marriage that probably never should have happened in the first place, right?”_

_“I don’t think that at all,” she brought her other hand to his face and brushed his hair back._

_“We got into a weird situation,” he shrugged. “She’s my sister in laws best friend, I’m sure you know the story of Taylor and Natalie,” he grinned. “We started dating because Natalie thought we’d really get on well together, and we did. But, it was just never…there was never a huge spark between us, you know? We went through the motions, dating and enjoying each others company. I think for both of us it was just something to do, someone to be with. She understood my family because of Natalie, she understood our life.”_

_“But, if that’s what it is, why did you get married?”_

_“I’m getting there,” he grinned again. “She got pregnant.”_

_“I thought you said in an intervi-“_

_“I know what I said,” he shook his head. “I don’t know why I said it the first time I said it. I never had any big internal intention of being a virgin until I was married. It was never even really a thought to me. Sometimes I say things in interviews, just to see what the person asking will say. I just said it and it ran away with me. It felt like one of those things you can’t really go back and say ‘ha ha, just kidding,’ you know?”_

_“You have got to be kidding me,” she laughed softly, rolling her eyes._

_“I wish I was,” he chuckled. “Anyway, she got pregnant and I already knew the way it would work. I watched everything that happened with Natalie and Taylor, I knew they - my family - would insist we get married, protect our image, all of that bullshit. So, I proposed.”_

_“But, you don’t have any kids,” Sophia was suddenly confused. She brushed his hair behind his ear again and grinned when it bounced right back out. “Do you have a hidden child somewhere?”_

_“No,” he laughed. “I don’t have a secret child. She lost the baby…four days after we announced our engagement. Nobody knows this…no one outside of our families.”_

_“I’m so sorry, Zac,” she frowned, her eyes moving between his._

_“Don’t be, it was for the best,” he shrugged, pulling her a little closer to him. “We had no business having a baby.”_

_“So why did you go through with it then? If the reason for doing it was gone?”_

_“Image. Our image, as if I ever gave a single shit about something so stupid. But, they do, you know? Taylor does, our parents do. Isaac, not so much,” he laughed softly. “We couldn’t call it off, it would look bad for us. So, we just went through with it.”_

_“That’s so sad,” she couldn’t image being forced into a life with someone who wasn’t right. “I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t be sorry. I should have manned up and told them all to fuck off, but I didn’t. And now, here I am.”_

_They settled into a quiet, Sophia not sure what to say. What could she say? It was funny, she thought to herself, that his fanbase was so off about them and their marriages. No one would guess this, and he’d trusted her, someone he barely knew, with the information._

_“Hey, Soph?”_

_“Yeah?” She looked at him again. His eyes were sad and she was sorry for making him tell his story. She didn’t like the way the shine in his eyes dimmed, she didn’t want to be the cause of it._

_“Can I stay? For the night, I mean? I don’t really want to go back to my empty hotel room.”_

_“Of course,” she smiled. “You can stay…however long you want.”_

—

Less than ten minutes after Zac had left the lights came back on. Sophia let out a sigh of relief and walked around the house flipping switches and making sure everything worked. Once she’d fixed all the clocks, she dropped down onto the couch and picked up the remote. She put Grey’s Anatomy back on, but she wasn’t really paying attention to it, Zac breezing back into her life the only thing she could think about. 

She knew that when he came back she should sit him down, explain to him that they’d been here before, they’d done all of this time and time again and it had never worked out. He should go back to his hotel, go back home to his wife and leave her behind, just the way he was supposed to. 

A knock at the door changed everything she was thinking, how simple it was for her mind to be changed by him. She got up and walked over, grasping the doorknob and pulling it open.

“That was qu- oh! Bailey!”

“We’re you expecting someone else?” Bailey laughed, walking past Sophia and into the house. She put a bottle of wine down on the coffee table and tossed herself back onto the couch.

“No…well, yeah.”

Bailey was Sophia’s best friend. They’d known each other practically since birth, and they were more like sisters than friends. Bailey had been the only person who really knew about Sophia’s relationship with Zac, she was there for the good parts and she held Sophia together through the bad parts. It was safe to say that she was firmly on Team No-Zac, and Sophia could already hear her chastising playing out in her head.

“Are you going to tell me who?”

“Well,” Sophia drew out the end of the word, sitting down on the couch next to Bailey. “Zac came by last night.”

Bailey blinked at her a couple of times before standing back up from the couch and grabbing the bottle of wine.

“I think we’re going to need this.”

Sophia grinned to herself, turning to watch Bailey walk into the kitchen. She came back with two glasses and the bottle, setting the glasses down on the table before filling them all the way to the top. She made a big show of gulping down a quarter of her glass and filling it back up before turning back to Sophia.

“Okay, so Zac showed up. I’d say I’m surprised, but I’m really not.” She rolled her eyes and then frowned. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Sophia nodded. She smiled a little and grabbed her own wine glass. “It was nice…being with him again. It’s like no time has passed, like he’s been here with me every day.”

“Did you sleep with him?”

“Right to the chase, Bay,” Sophia laughed, putting her glass to her lips. “Yes.”

She took a large sip, bracing herself for Bailey’s disapproval. She was sure she was going to jump to her feet and start yelling and waving her arms around. Running down the long list of reasons why Zac Hanson was a terrible thing for her and how it was now time to plot and carry out his murder. But, she didn’t. Sophia let out a sigh of relief when Bailey leaned over and wrapped her arms around her, squeezing her tightly.

“Oh, Sophie,” she cooed into her ear. “I don’t want to watch you get hurt again.”

“I know what’s going to happen, Bailey. I know how it’s going to work. He’s going to be here while he’s here and then he’s going to be gone again. I know how to deal with it, I’ve been dealing with it for years.”

“No, honey, you don’t,” Bailey sighed, grabbing her glass again. “I watch this horror movie every time it happens and I like it less and less each time. I don’t want to be an asshole, Sophie, but…what about Trevor?”

“Bay, you know things haven’t been right with Trevor for months. I don’t even know why we’re still together.”

“But you are,” Bailey shook her head. “I don’t care if you want to leave him, then leave him. I love Trevor, but I’m team Sophia all the way. If we’re getting rid of him that’s fine by me, but Sophie, you shouldn’t be cheating on him. You especially shouldn’t be doing it with _him_.”

The inflection on the last word wasn’t lost on Sophia. She knew exactly how Bailey felt about Zac, she was honestly surprised she was taking the news of his reappearance so calmly, but the last thing she wanted to hear at that moment was a lecture on what to do with her already broken relationship. 

“I’m not a cheater, Bay, you know I’m not. It’s just-“

“It’s just Zac. I know that. I’m very aware of the power that he has over you.”

“He doesn’t-“

“Yes, he _does_ ,” Bailey’s voice was still even, and in that moment Sophia thought she’d almost rather she start yelling at her. “He shows up here after three years, after _breaking your heart_ with the last words he said to you - don’t think I’ve forgotten, Sophia. I haven’t forgotten anything. Every little thing he’s put you through, I was there, picking up the mess. And, what? He just shows up and you just let him? You just fall back into old habits with him? Back into bed? So he can break your heart again? It’s almost like you like it, the way you feel for months after.”

Sophia sighed, staring at her best friend. Her words hurt, but she knew that she was looking out for her and that she really believed everything she was saying. Why couldn’t Sophia force herself to see it how Bailey saw it? There was a part of her that knew Bailey was probably right, that every word she said was exactly the way it really was. Everything would be so much easier if she could just flip a switch, shut the part of her off that just wanted him so damn badly. The doorbell rang two times and Sophia sighed again, leaning forward and putting her head in her hands. _Great timing,_ she thought. 

She stood up, looking down at Bailey, a frown on her face.

“Bay, I know it’s going to be really hard for you, but please…just be nice.”

“That’s _him_?” She raised an eyebrow. “What’s he, moving in?”

“He’s in town for a few days. I told him he could come back. Please, if you love me, just be nice.”

Sophia walked to the door and opened it, Zac’s smiling face making her heart do a quick flip in her chest. 

“Hey you,” he said, holding out a single tulip. “I can’t confirm or deny that I stole this, but I saw it and remembered how much you love them.”

“I do,” she smiled, taking it from his hand. 

Sophia stepped back from the door and turned just as Bailey was walking by them into the kitchen with her now empty glass.

“Zachary,” she raised an eyebrow at him on the way by.

“Bailey,” he nodded once and then looked at Sophia, a look of apology on his face. “I don’t mean to break up your girl time.”

“I was just leaving,” Bailey hugged Sophia tightly and then turned to Zac. She looked him over for a few seconds before crossing her arms. “Don’t wreck her, I practically just got done putting her back together.”

“Bay,” Sophia sighed.

“I’m just looking out for you, I’ll see you later,” she walked out of the door, closing it gently behind her, leaving Sophia and Zac in her wake. 

—

_Zac had left around nine in the morning, needing to catch a flight home to Oklahoma. Sophia immediately felt the loss of him around her and it struck her as something powerful. They barely knew each other, but yet there was some kind of strong, cosmic connection between them that she couldn’t shake off or explain. She felt like Zac was a supposed-to-be in her life and she couldn’t make that make sense even to herself._

_She took a shower and got dressed, blow drying her hair and putting on some light makeup - just because. She settled down on her bed and picked the phone up from her nightstand, dialing her best friends number. It rang a few times before Bailey answered, sounding slightly out of breath._

_“Hey!”_

_“Hey, are you busy?”_

_“I’m just going for a quick run, I’m nearby your place. Why, whats up?”_

_“I knew you sounded out of breath,” Sophia laughed. “Wanna stop by?”_

_“Yeah, that sounds good. I have to pee anyway. I’ll be there in five.”_

_They hung up and Sophia moved to the living room, looking around, feeling like there should be some sign that things had taken place in this house that had changed everything, but nothing was different._

_A few minutes later Bailey breezed in the house and straight to the bathroom._

_“I’ve gotta start remembering to lock that door,” Sophia called after her, laughing softly._

_“Alright, what’s going on? You didn’t call me over here for nothing,” Bailey smiled, sitting down on the couch and pulling her legs up in front of her._

_“So, you know how I went to that little dive bar after the concert the other night after all you guys went home?”_

_“Yeah, how was that by the way?”_

_“It was good, the band was good, but that’s not what I want to talk about.”_

_Bailey raised an eyebrow and tilted her head, “no?”_

_“No,” Sophia smiled. “I met someone.”_

_“You…met someone? Like, a guy?” Bailey grinned. Sophia hadn’t had any interest in meeting anyone over the past two years since her last relationship had ended._

_“Yeah, a guy. And I think you know him.”_

_“Really? Who is he? Tell me everything!”_

_“Well,” Sophia looked up at the ceiling for a minute and then back at Bailey. “I was trying to think of some coy, interesting way of saying this, but I can’t, so…Zac. I met Zac.”_

_“Zac? Like, Zac Hanson? We’ve met him dozens of times.”_

_“Bay, I slept with Zac. Two nights ago…and again last night.”_

_Bailey stared at Sophia, her eyes roaming the other girls face. She turned her head to the side and then shook her head._

_“I’m sorry, did you say that you fucked Zac Hanson, not once, but twice? And are you fucking with me? Tell me you’re fucking with me, Sophia Hill, this is not a cute joke.”_

_“It’s not a joke, Bay,” Sophia laughed, shaking her head. “I can’t even explain what happened, he basically ran into me, literally, at the bar and he bought me a drink and then…I don’t know, we spent the whole night just talking and then he walked me home.”_

_“The one night I don’t go out,” Bailey muttered. “He walked you home and then you had sex and…what? What happened?”_

_“Well, he stayed the night. He had a meeting the next day, but he came back. He brought dinner and we hung out all night, and he spent the night again, and Bailey, oh my God…you’re going to laugh, but, I think I’m in love with him.”_

_“This is all very exciting and everything, but I feel like I need to bring up a point here,” Bailey let out a sigh and shook her head. “Is he not like…married? Last I checked, he was very married.”_

_“He is but, it’s not that simple. I…I don’t want to spread his business but, basically, nothing is what it seems in Zac Hanson’s world? He married her because-“ Sophia blew out a breath and then shrugged, she knew she could tell Bailey anything. “She got pregnant, and he knew his parents would make him, so he just did it. She lost the baby, but not until after they’d announced their engagement, so they just went through with it. I don’t think he’s happy with her, I get the vibe that he’s stuck and he knows it.”_

_“This is a lot to unpack,” Bailey leaned back on the couch. “So, what are you going to do?”_

_“I don’t know, I have no idea. All I know is that I want to see him again. I _need_ to see him again.”_

_“Do you have plans to?”_

_“Not yet, but he told me he’d call me when he got home tonight. It’s crazy, Bay. I feel like he’s supposed to be here, in my life. I’ve never believed in that shit, but God, Bailey. He’s perfect for me.”_

—

“So, how was your mysterious meeting?” Sophia smiled up at Zac before leaning up and kissing him on the cheek. She grabbed his hand and walked to the couch, pulling him down to sit with her.

“It was good,” he shrugged. “Back tomorrow for another, but it went well.”

“Can you tell me yet?” She grinned.

“Not yet, soon,” he laughed. “Bailey was happy to see me, as always.”

“She is the president of your personal fan club, you know,” Sophia smiled, leaning in to Zac and putting her head on his shoulder. “I like having you here.”

“I like being here,” he wrapped an arm around her and ran his fingers over her skin. “Maybe we should talk…you know, about all of-“

“No,” Sophia shook her head, turning it to look at him. “I don’t want to talk about it. Talking always gets us in trouble. Lets just be. Whatever we are, lets just be that right now, okay?”

“You’re smart,” Zac smiled, leaning down to kiss her softly. “Have I ever told you how smart you are?” She smiled against his lips and nodded. “And beautiful?” He kissed her again, sliding his hand down to her waist. “And amazing?”

“Are you trying to get in my pants, Hanson?” Sophia laughed. “You don’t need to use all this flattery, you know.”

“It’s not flattery,” he grinned, pulling her onto his lap and wrapping his arms around her back. “It’s all true.”

“Mmhmm,” she grinned. “Just shut up and kiss me, okay?”

“Well,” he smiled. “That I can do.”

—

_It had been three days since Zac had left and Sophia was sure he was never going to call. She’d started feeling a little bit like an idiot the morning after he left, and by now she just felt like the dumbest, most gullible girl on the face of the planet. Why did she ever think for even a second that someone like Zac Hanson would be interested in someone like her for anything more than a one - okay, two - night stand? It should have been obvious to her. He’d charmed the pants off of her - literally, and that was that. She couldn’t be too mad at him, she supposed if she was in the position he was in, he might go around doing the same thing._

_But, at the same time, it hurt. She’d really thought they connected and that there was something there. He had seemed to be so open and honest with her, he’d told her things about him that she couldn’t imagine were lies. For all he knew she was a psychopath and him disappearing on her like this would make her spread his business to all of his fans. She thought it was pretty brave of him to love ‘em and leave ‘em like that, there were so many risks involved._

_She knew she wouldn’t do it to him, though. Despite the fact that it seemed like he just wasn’t really as into her as it seemed, she still couldn’t shake the feeling that she had fallen for him. She couldn’t go more than five minutes without thinking about him and when she slept, she dreamed about him._

_She’d gone for a jog with Bailey to try to get her mind off of things and was just walking in the door when her phone started ringing. She walked to the kitchen and dropped her keys on the counter, picking the phone up and pressing it to her ear._

_“Yeah?”_

_“That’s not a very nice way to answer the phone,” the voice was amused and slightly different than it was in person, but she knew it instantly. She couldn’t help the huge smile that broke out onto her face as she walked to the living room and dropped onto the couch._

_“Zac!”_

_“I miss you,” she could tell he was smiling and she wondered where he was, exactly what he was doing. Was he on the couch like she was? Was he at the office sitting in a black swivel chair?_

_“I thought you weren’t going to call,” she admitted and she could feel her face heat up even though he couldn’t see her._

_“Things got really busy when I got back, I’m really sorry.”_

_“It’s okay, I just assumed it was…you know, just a hookup anyway.”_

_“It wasn’t,” his voice changed a little and she frowned. “I don’t want you to think that, Soph. It wasn’t just a hookup for me.”_

_“Me either,” she said softly. “What was it for you, then?”_

_“I don’t know what to call it, but I know that I want to see you again. As soon as possible.”_

_“And how do we do that?” She leaned back on the couch, her mind instantly creating scenarios where he’d show up at her door for a whirlwind 24 hour stay. They’d camp out in the bedroom and never leave until he had to. It sounded perfect._

_“We have a show…next week. It’s in Texas. Austin. Can I fly you out?”_

_“What? Isn’t that a bit risky?”_

_“Maybe, but I don’t care. We hit the road in the morning for the rest of the tour so…either you let me fly you to Austin or I quit the tour and come see you.”_

_His voice was light, but for some reason she felt like he was serious. She figured that she couldn’t be the reason he left the tour, so she smiled to herself._

_“Okay, yeah,” she laughed into the phone. “This is crazy, but okay.”_

—

It was nearing midnight and Sophia and Zac were laying in her bed side by side, their fingers tangled together, one of Sophia’s legs shoved through Zac’s. She couldn’t stop thinking about how easy it was to fall back into their patterns, their life - if that was even what you could call it - with one another. Sophia felt so content and sated having Zac there with her, the thought that he was only in town for two more days kept creeping in and attempting to dull the shine that surrounded her while he was with her. She’d decided that she wouldn’t let it, she wasn’t going to allow anything to take this time from her. For all she knew, the next two days would be the last two days she ever spent with him and the only thing she wanted out of them was the complete bliss she felt right then.

“Hey,” Zac said, turning to his side and propping himself up on his elbow. Sophia turned, mirroring his position and smiling at him.

“Hey yourself.”

“Can I tell you something?” His voice was quiet and held a hint of something in it that she just couldn’t place.

“Mhmm,” she brought her other hand up to his face and ran her thumb across his cheek. 

“I love you,” he smiled, crinkling his nose up a little bit. “I know you probably doubt me sometimes, but I love you. It might not be conventional and I know I’ve fucked it up for us more times than I’d like to remember, but you’re the love of my life. I’m not the smartest person in the world and I don’t pretend to know everything, but I know that.”

“I don’t doubt you,” she smiled again, closing the space between them. “I love you too, even if it’s not perfect…I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song and title from Treacherous by Taylor Swift


	4. You Look At Me & Babe, I Wanna Catch On Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics from Always Remember Us This Way from the A Star is Born soundtrack.

  
_But all I really know_  
_You're where I wanna go_  
_The part of me that's you will never die_  
_So when I'm all choked up_  
_But I can't find the words_  
_Every time we say goodbye_  
_Baby, it hurts_  
_When the sun goes down_  
_And the band won't play_  
_I'll always remember us this way_

Sophia  
Day Three

When Sophia woke up it was to an empty bed. She sat up and listened to any sound happening in the house but was met with complete silence. _You should have known,_ she stood up and walked to the bathroom, shutting herself in even though she was apparently alone. _You knew he wouldn’t stay._

When she left the bathroom she grabbed her robe from the back of her bedroom door and pulled it on before padding out to the kitchen. Just as the lump in her throat was reaching astronomical proportions she saw the post it note stuck to the coffee maker, a flash of lime green that made her heart flip. She plucked it from the coffee pot and held it up, smiling at the words.

_Had to go to my meeting._  
_I’ll be back with breakfast._  
_-Z_

Sophia laughed out loud, dropping the post it note onto the counter and setting the coffee to brew. She wondered if there would ever be a day that her mind didn’t instantly go to the worst case scenario with Zac, and she found herself hoping against years of experience that there would. Her next thought was asking why? Why should there be, and why should she hope for that? He’d given her no indication that this was a long term arrangement. She knew he was in town for one more day after today and then after all, for all she knew, it’d be another three years before she saw him again. 

Just as she was finishing pouring cream into her coffee the door opened and she turned to see Zac walk in. He pulled the keys out of the door and walked in, kicking it shut behind him and dangled the keys in the air.

“Stole your keys,” he said sheepishly. “I was hoping to get back before you woke up.”

“What’s all that?” She smiled, motioning at his hands as he stepped into the kitchen.

“Breakfast, as promised. And I got you a coffee, but I see you’ve already taken care of that.”

“I’ll drink both,” she laughed while he set everything down on the counter. He unloaded the bag he had been carrying, placing bagels and cream cheese out on the counter along with a couple plastic knives.

“I hope you still love everything bagels.”

“I do,” she smiled again when he leaned down to kiss her on the cheek. “You know, I woke up and you were gone and I just assumed you’d left.”

“I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye.”

“You have before.”

He sighed, leaning his palms on the counter. He looked over at her and shook his head.

“We have to stop talking about the past.”

“How can we? The past is all we have, isn’t it?”

—

_Sophia had never been on a plane before. She was a nervous wreck the entire flight from Atlanta to Austin, constantly checking the time, counting down the minutes until she would be on solid ground again._

_Every ounce of stress from flying dissipated the second she stepped into baggage claim and saw Zac standing there. He had a baseball hat on, pulled low over his face, a leather jacket zipped to his chest. He smiled when he saw her and closed the space in between them in a second._

_“I shouldn’t do this here, but fuck it,” he laughed, leaning down and kissing her. He wrapped his arms around her and breathed in deep. “Damn, I missed you.”_

_“It hasn’t even been that long,” she laughed when he backed up from her._

_“Are you saying you didn’t miss me?” He cocked his head, a grin on his face._

_“No,” she laughed again. “I definitely did.”_

_They waited for her bag, Zac snatching it off the carousel and popping the handle to wheel it out of the airport for her. The second they got into his car he leaned in, closing the gap in between them and kissed her with much more enthusiasm and gusto than he had inside the airport. His hands slid down her body, one of them resting on her waist, the other running up her inner thigh. He groaned when her teeth grazed his bottom lip and pulled away from her._

_“I gotta get you back to the hotel.”_

_She laughed, instantly missing the warmth of his hands on her when he put the car in reverse and backed out of the spot._

_They sang along to the radio on the short drive from the airport to the hotel, Zac drumming along with the music on the steering wheel. When they pulled into the hotel parking lot he groaned and let out a curse word._

_“What’s wrong?” He looked over at her and shook his head._

_“I should have anticipated this. Fans, over there, by the doors,” he motioned at the doors as they drove further into the parking lot. “I don’t know why they think we want them showing up where we sleep.”_

_“They looooove you,” Sophia laughed._

_“Yeah well,” Zac glanced at her, a smirk on his face. “I’d love them more if they had some respect.”_

_He pulled into a spot at the back of the building and shut the car off. He got out, walking around to her side and opening her door for her._

_“What a gentleman,” she smiled, stepping out of the car._

_“That’s me,” he grinned, walking to the trunk and grabbing her suitcase. “We’ll go in back here.”_

_He lead her up to the room and she whistled when they walked in._

_“Fancy digs,” she looked around the room. It was definitely at least two steps above any hotel room she’d ever slept in._

_“Yeah, well,” he shut the door, rolling her suitcase over by the door. “Taylor has expensive taste.”_

_“Where did you tell them you were going?”_

_He walked across the room and put his hands on her hips, “I don’t want to talk about them right now,” he smiled, pressing his lips to hers._

_She sighed, allowing him to lower them onto the bed, their lips never coming apart. They undressed each other easily, as if it was something they’d been doing their whole lives and not just less than two weeks. His lips had just landed on her neck, his hand moving down her body when a harsh knock on the door startled them, his teeth pressing into the skin of her neck._

_“Damn it,” he muttered. “Maybe they’ll go away,” he grinned, leaning back down to kiss her again just as another harsh knock sounded. “Guess not.”_

_He lifted himself from the bed and pulled his t-shirt and boxers on, disappearing around the corner to answer the door._

_“We need you at the venue,” she couldn’t see them, but she knew that voice. “Why aren’t you dressed, it’s the middle of the day?”_

_“I was getting around to it. Why so early? The show isn’t for another five hours.”_

_“I don’t know, they want us there, well, twenty minutes ago. I’ve been calling your phone.”_

_“The ringer must be off,” Zac responded. “Where’s Ike?”_

_“Grabbing a coffee from the lobby. Can you get dressed and meet us down there within the next five, please? No dawdling.”_

_“You’re one to talk,” Zac chuckled. “Are we coming back here?”_

_“Probably not.”_

_“Great, alright, I’ll be down in a few.”_

_“Bring your clothes if you’re changing before the show.”_

_She heard the door close and watched as Zac walked back to the bed. He climbed on it and moved up to her face, his hands sliding the comforter she’d pulled over herself down slowly._

_“We don’t have time for both of us so let’s take care of you.”_

_He grinned, sliding down her body, his mouth kissing it’s way down, followed by his hands. She closed her eyes and sighed, not knowing what she’d done in life to deserve this._

_—_

_Zac had insisted on ordering something for Sophia to eat before he left, so she sat in the hotel room waiting for her food, scrolling through her laptop to find things to do to keep her occupied while he was away. She’d never been to Texas before, so the thought of wandering around didn’t sound so bad to her._

_She ate, jumped in the shower and got dressed and ready for the night before heading out for the rest of the afternoon. She felt a little bit lost when her phone started ringing from inside her purse. She moved to the side of a building and dug it out._

_“Hello?”_

_“Miss me yet?” Zac’s voice was cheerful and she couldn’t help but smile._

_“You talk an awful lot about missing.”_

_“Only when it’s true,” he chuckled. “So, where are you?”_

_She looked up at the street signs and read them to him, adding that she wasn’t actually all that sure where she was._

_He repeated the street names she’d told him and then spoke quickly, “stay right there, okay? Don’t move.”_

_With that, he hung up. She dropped her phone back in her purse and looked up and down the street. It was getting close to show time and she should probably be making her way towards the venue. She wondered what his plan was, maybe he was sending a cab to come get her._

_As if on cue, a yellow cab pulled up alongside her and she smiled as the back door swung open. Zac stuck his head out and smiled, waving towards himself._

_“C’mon, get in!”_

_She laughed and climbed into the cab next to him, dropping her purse on the floor._

_“I had no idea where I was or how to get to you,” she laughed._

_“I figured,” he grinned, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “Ready for the show?”_

_“Yeah,” she couldn’t stop smiling, it crossed her mind that it was almost obnoxious how happy he made her. “Are you?”_

_“Born ready,” he grinned, pressing his lips to the side of her head._

_“Around back, please,” Zac spoke to the cab driver as they pulled close to the venue. The driver nodded and maneuvered the car around the corner and into the very small lot behind the building. Zac handed him some cash and then opened the door and climbed out, holding it for Sophia._

_“Where is everyone?” She looked around, the area around the venue was completely empty of people._

_“I left right as the opener came on, figured it’d be easier to come back with you once everyone was gone.”_

_“You think of everything, huh?”_

_“I try,” he laughed, pulling open the heavy back door of the venue and ushering her inside._

_She’d been to plenty of concerts, but she’d never been on this side of the building before. It was about exactly how she’d pictured it, though. Plain walls, plain floors, everything dark colors. Zac lead her through the area until the reached a small room. He pushed the door opened and lead her inside, the other people in the room all looking up at them. She recognized Isaac and Taylor, but the two other people were lost on her._

_“Hey, we were just wondering where you went, who’s your friend?” Taylor smiled at Sophia and then looked back at Zac._

_“This is Sophia, she’s a friend of Jason’s…I told him I’d watch over her tonight.”_

_Sophia had no idea who Jason was, or how long Zac had been planning that lie, but she wished that he had given her a heads up to prevent the way she was currently looking at him. She shook her confusion off and then smiled at Taylor as he introduced himself and held his hand out for her to shake. Isaac did the same and then they introduced her to the other two men in the room, friends of theirs from the area._

_“I’m gonna show Sophia the catering,” Zac grinned and then looked down at her. “It’s my favorite part of the tour, really.”_

_“We go on in twenty,” Taylor called after them as they began to walk out of the room. “Nice to meet you, Sophia!”_

_“You too!” She laughed when Zac swung the door shut, taking her hand in his and pulling her quickly into a hallway a few feet away._

_“What are you doing?” She laughed as he pushed her against the wall, his hands running up and down her sides while his lips made quick work on neck. “This doesn’t look like the catering.”_

_“Who needs food?” Zac mumbled against her skin. “I’ve been thinking about this all day.”_

_His hand ran down her side and then down her thigh, moving to the inside of it and disappearing underneath her dress. He rubbed her slowly through her panties and her head dropped back against the wall._

_“Right here?” She whispered. “What if someone comes by?”_

_“Don’t care,” he mumbled, moving his mouth to hers, his hand sliding her panties off and to the floor. She stepped out of them and let out a hushed moan when his hand landed back on her._

_“Zac, we shouldn’t,” she said, the moan leaving her lips directly afterwards contradicting her words._

_Zac lifted his head and looked around and then smiled at her._

_“Here,” he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her into a small closet. He shut the door and pressed her up against the wall again. He went to kiss her again and then stopped, staring at her for so long that she finally shook her head and smiled._

_“What?”_

_“It’s just,” he shook his head slowly, bringing a hand up to her cheek. “This is crazy, and too fast but…” he smiled, kissing her softly. “I love you.”_

_“You do?” Her eyes widened, a smile bigger than she remembered smiling in a long time growing on her face._

_“Yeah,” he nodded. “I do.”_

_“You’re right, it’s crazy,” she laughed. “But, I love you too.”_

_He smiled and kissed her, more tenderly than he had in the past, as if he was trying to kiss the belief that he loved her right into her. She would be lying if she didn’t say that it worked a little bit. She wasn’t an idiot, she knew that this wasn’t what was supposed to be happening. He was married and she wasn’t his wife, but something about the way he looked at her, the way they fit together wouldn’t let her care. She couldn’t force herself to care, as far as she was concerned it was her who was supposed to be with him. Everything else was just a mistake._

_“I want to have sex with you right now, but trashy closet sex doesn’t seem right after that,” Zac laughed, kissing the corner of her mouth. “Wanna save it for later?”_

_“Yeah,” she grinned up at him, leaning forward to kiss him. “The suspense will be worth it.”_

_—_

_Right before the twenty minutes was up Zac lead Sophia back to the small room Taylor and Isaac were waiting in. They were talking about last minute setlist changes and solos and Sophia almost couldn’t believe she was standing there listening to the conversation. She’d gotten used to being around Zac really quickly, looking at him as if he were just a guy she was in love with, but it was obviously going to take a little more time for the other two to settle into being just guys, if they ever did._

_“Alright, we’re ready,” Isaac clapped his hands, grabbing the setlists in his hands and straightening them out._

_“Let’s do this,” Zac smiled._

_The four of them walked through the backstage area to a small hallway leading to a metal set of four stairs that lead up to the stage._

_“Zac, shouldn’t I-“_

_“You can watch from here,” he smiled, grabbing her elbow and leading her up the stairs. He placed her on the side of the stage, right out of view of the crowd that had filled up the venue sometime before then._

_“From right here?” She breathed. “What a view.”_

_He laughed and nodded, squeezing her arm before letting go. He leaned in and whispered in her ear, “I’m playing for you tonight, okay?”_

_She smiled and nodded, watching as the three of them breezed onto the stage like that was exactly where they belonged, and she guessed it was._

_—_

_By the time the guys finished playing their show Sophia was buzzing with adrenaline and excitement. They’d been her favorite band for so long and seeing them like this was a whole new experience. Add to that the way that Zac kept turning his head to look at her throughout the show, giving her small smiles and winks, she’s lucky she’d made it through the whole thing in tact._

_Zac was the last one off the stage, walking over to Sophia and placing a quick kiss on her lips. His hand grabbed on to hers and he squeezed it quickly before letting it go._

_“Did you have fun?”_

_“Fun? That was probably the best two hours of my life!”_

_He smiled and lead her back to the room they’d started in and gathered up his things, shoving them all into a backpack._

_“Where’s Ike?”_

_“He jumped in the shower,” Taylor nodded towards a closed door at the far side of the room._

_“I’m gonna head out, gotta get this girl home.”_

_“Oh, are you from Austin, Sophia?”_

_“I-“ she looked up at Zac and he just smiled. “Yeah.”_

_“Cool, I love it here. Well, you’re in…safe hands, I think? Get home safe. Hope you enjoyed the show!”_

_“I did, it was great. Thanks for…doing it.” Sophia cursed herself. She was so caught up in lying that she seemingly couldn’t form words, and now she’d gone and made an idiot out of herself._

_They walked out of the room and towards the heavy door that they came in. Zac put his hand on Sophia’s waist and stopped her from walking._

_“The cab will be right where he dropped us off. I told him to come back at this time when he picked me up. Don’t react to anyone who might be out there, just get in, I’ll be right behind you.”_

_She looked up at him and nodded, a sick feeling washing over her. They shouldn’t be doing this, it was risky, not just for him, but for her too. She didn’t want to be plastered all over the internet tomorrow and she certainly didn’t want to be the reason his life fell apart. Not for the first time in the past two weeks, the thought that maybe they shouldn’t be doing anything at all settled down at her. But, she turned to face him and he was smiling at her and all of that washed away as quickly as it had come._

_“Okay,” she nodded, smiling back._

_“Ready?”_

_“Ready.”_

_He pushed the door open and she walked out ahead of him, straight to the taxi that was indeed waiting right where he’d dropped them off. She pulled the door open and got in and within a second he was beside her, his hand slipping easily into hers._

_“No one was out there,” he smiled, leaning to kiss her on the cheek quickly before they pulled out of the little lot. He told the driver the address of the hotel and they took the ride in silence. Every time Sophia looked over at him he was looking at her, a never ending smile on his face._

_When they finally got to the room, he told her he needed to shower and he’d be out soon, to make herself at home. She dug her phone out of her bag and plopped down on the plush hotel bed before dialing Bailey’s number._

_“Where are you?” Bailey answered. “I’ve been calling you for hours, I went to your house and you aren’t there. What is going on?”_

_“I didn’t want to tell you in case it didn’t end up happening, but…I’m in Austin.”_

_“Austin? As in Texas? What the fuck are you doing in Austin?”_

_“Yes, as in Texas. Zac flew me out for the show tonight. He’s in the shower.”_

_“He’s in the-“ Sophia heard Bailey let out a breath and she grinned to herself. “You’re in a hotel room with Zac Hanson and he’s naked in the shower a few feet away?”_

_“Correct.”_

_“Jesus Christ.”_

_Sophia chuckled, kicking her shoes off the end of the bed and pulling the comforter over herself._

_“Bay, this is…this is crazy. It’s more than I thought it was…than I thought it was for him at least.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“So before the show tonight, he pulled me into this little like…janitors closet,”_

_“Are you kidding me, Sophie?”_

_“We didn’t have sex. I mean, we were totally going to. We were, and I was ready. I don’t know how to explain it, every time he’s near me I just want to jump his bones. I mean, have you looked-“_

_“In a janitors closet!? Sophia, come on.”_

_“Shut up,” Sophia laughed. “Anyway, we didn’t because…well, he told me he loves me.”_

_“Loves- Sophia Hill, come back to Atlanta right now, get away from that boy. He is clearly a psychopath.”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“You barely know him…he barely knows you. He doesn’t love you.”_

_“Bay, I said it back. And I meant it. I love him, I really do.”_

_“Sophia. Sophia!” Sophia rolled her eyes. She should have expected this reaction from Bailey._

_“What?”_

_“Do you think that maybe this is moving a little fast? He’s married. To someone else.”_

_“It is,” Sophia nodded even though Bailey couldn’t see her. “It is moving fast, and it’s intense and it’s crazy and I can’t explain it to you, but I just know, Bay. I love him.”_

_Bailey started to respond but Sophia was rendered deaf when Zac stepped out of the bathroom, a white towel wrapped around his waist, hair dripping onto his shoulders. He smiled at her and walked to the other side of the bed, picking up the comforter and sliding underneath it. He moved as close to Sophia as he could, sliding his hand down her body and underneath her dress, pushing it up to her waist._

_“Who you talking to?” He whispered, his hand grazing over the fabric of her panties._

_“It’s-“ she shook her head at him, a smile on her lips as his other hand landed on her skin. He gently pushed her panties down and grinned at her. “It’s my best friend. Bailey.”_

_“You should hang up,” Zac whispered again, moving in between her legs._

_“Sophia?” Bailey’s voice came through again._

_“Yeah? Sorry, Bay, I-“Sophia’s eyes widened as Zac pushed the comforter away and slid down her body. “I think I have to go, Bay.”_

_Zac grinned up at her and then ducked his head down, his tongue landing on her._

_“Oh god,” Sophia breathed. “I have to…I have to go.”_

_“Jesus fucking Christ, Sophia, you are out of your mind. Call me when you get home.”_

_The phone disconnected and Sophia dropped it off the side of the bed, her back arching._

_The next forty-five minutes were nothing short of the most erotic almost hour of Sophia’s life. When they collapsed side by side onto the bed her whole body was aching for sleep. She curled up into Zac’s side and kissed his chest, her hand sliding around him._

_“Are we perfect?” She turned her head up to look at him. “I feel like we’re perfect.”_

_“We’re perfect,” he grinned, kissing her head. “Well, you’re perfect and I think it’s rubbing off on me.”_

_The hot sun streaming through the floor to ceiling glass windows woke Sophia up. She threw an arm over her face and groaned, not sure what time it was, but sure it was far too early to be living. She closed her eyes and rolled towards Zac, moving to wrap her arm around him but she came up empty. She opened her eyes and was met with an empty bed. When she sat up she noticed that his suitcase was gone, his jacket not hanging on the back of the chair near the small table in the corner. She instantly felt a wave of sadness wash over her as she stood out of the bed and walked to her own suitcase, pulling a change of clothes out of it and walking into the bathroom._

_All signs of him were gone from the room, as if she’d spent the night there herself. She looked around, hoping she was missing something, a note, anything, but she found nothing. She quickly dressed and and pulled her shoes on, glancing at the clock. Her flight was in a little over two hours and she knew she had to get to the airport, but she didn’t want to leave. Maybe he’d come back and she’d be gone. Maybe he just ran out for a minute. Even while she was trying to convince herself, she knew it wasn’t true. She knew he was gone._

_She waited three days. Three days of silence from Zac. She checked online to see where they were, what they were up to, but no matter what she turned up, he never called. He didn’t text, it was as if she’d imagined the entire ordeal as if just a few short days ago he wasn’t telling her that he was in love with her. As if it had never happened at all._

_Halfway through the third day she picked up the phone and called him. She didn’t know what she expected, but his voicemail wasn’t it. She didn’t leave a message, instead she called Bailey, telling her she needed her. She was there within fifteen minutes, Sophia collapsing into her arms the second she walked in the door._

_“What is it baby?” Bailey whispered, smoothing down Sophia’s hair._

_“It was nothing, Bay. You were right. It was nothing.”_

_“What do you mean it was nothing?”_

_“He just…he just left me there in the hotel and I haven’t heard from him since. I tried to call, he sent me to voicemail. It was nothing to him. I’m such an idiot.”_

—

Sophia and Zac spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon pretending that Sophia hadn’t brought up the past. They ate breakfast, watched some television and played a few games of cards. They had just started to talk about what they wanted to do for dinner when the doorbell rang, Sophia looking at Zac and shaking her head.

“I wasn’t expecting anyone.”

“Well, you should find out who it is, then,” he grinned.

“Do you…are you comfortable sitting here when I answer the door?”

She hated that she had to think about things like that. About the risk of Zac being seen with her, about what it could do to both of their lives if the wrong person caught on to them. After eleven years you’d think the fear and worry would subside a little bit, but it never had. She doubted it ever would.

“It’s fine, Soph,” he chuckled, squeezing her knee. “Go answer the door.”

Sophia stood up and went to walk to the door, but turned and bent down, grabbing Zac’s chin lightly and kissing him. She stood back up and smiled before turning back towards the door.

“What was that for?” He laughed.

“Just for being you,” she chuckled, pulling the door open to see Bailey standing there, her phone in her hand.

“Finally, I was about to call you,” she shoved her phone back in her pocket and walked inside, sighing when she saw Zac sitting on the couch.

“Nice to see you again, Bailey,” Zac nodded up at Bailey as she walked by him to sit down on the armchair off to the side of the couch. She looked at him for a second before crossing one leg over the other, leaning her elbow on her thigh and putting her chin in her hand.

“Do you like…live here now?”

“I’m only here for another day and a half.”

“And then how long until she hears from you again? Six months? A year? Two?”

“Bailey-“ 

“No, Soph, it’s alright,” Zac took Sophia’s hand and pulled her gently down onto the couch next to him. He wrapped his arm around her and turned his gaze back to Bailey. “You have every right to hate me. I’d hate me if I were you, but my intentions are good.”

“Aren’t they always?”

“Bailey, come on,” Sophia sighed. 

“No Sophia,” Bailey shook her head. “This is over a decade now, don’t you both think it’s time to call it a day? Wave the white flag?” She turned back to Zac. “You’re just going to destroy her again. I’m tired of you destroying her.”

“Can you just give me a chance?” Zac’s voice was calm and sincere and Sophia hated the hint of sadness she heard in it.

“Are you still married?” Bailey tilted her head to the side.

“Well, ye-“

“Then no,” Bailey stood up. “I can’t.”

“Listen, it’s-“

“No,” Bailey held her hand up. “Not only is what you’re doing to her not fair, but what you’re doing to your wife sucks too.” She grabbed her bag off of the floor and walked over to them, bending down and hugging Sophia. “Don’t be mad at me, if I didn’t love you I would just go along with this, but I can’t. Not anymore.”

“Bailey, if you’d just let me explain something to you-“

“Look, Zac,” Bailey turned back to him, her voice dropping and taking on a more emotional tone. “I love Sophia, okay? She is my best friend, my sister, and watching you do this to her time after time, year after year is unbearable, and if you really loved her like you say you do, you’d stop.”

Zac just nodded, loosening his grip around Sophia’s waist. He frowned and shook his head, like he wanted to say more but knew it was useless.

“I’m going to go,” Bailey walked to the door. “I’m here when you need me, Sophie. You know that.”

“I know,” Sophia’s heart was aching watching the two people she loved most in the world not be able to find common ground. Bailey walked out the door, shutting it quietly behind her, leaving Zac and Sophia in an uncomfortable silence. After a few minutes Zac sighed and stood up, pulling something out of his back pocket.

“I wasn’t going to tell you about this yet, I wanted to wait. You know, until everything was set in stone and taken care of…but, what she’s saying is true, and she’s right. She’s been right the whole time. I want to fix it, every time I’ve come back just to leave again, all of the bad parts. I came here the other night because I wanted to see you, I wanted to see if you still felt about me how I feel about you,” he sat back down next to her, turning his body towards her. He held the paper in both of his hands, playing with the edges a little bit. “I’ve been miserable for the last three years and I’ve been trying so hard to show you that I’m trying to change,” he looked her in the eyes, his forehead knotted. “Do you believe me?”

“I want to,” she shook her head a little, bringing her hand up to his cheek. “I want to so badly. I just need some help.”

—

_Three months had passed since Sophia had woken up alone in the hotel room with no word from Zac. Their tour had ended and news of them online had been sparse, but he’d been able to gather up enough information to know that he was alive and well, he just wasn’t talking to her._

_She couldn’t figure out where she’d gone wrong. She thought that everything was perfect between them that night. He’d gone out of his way to fly her to a different city, put her up in a nice hotel. She had begun to think that maybe something Bailey had said had been true. Maybe he’d done this before. Maybe it was a game to him, finding some girl in some city that he wasn’t from and sweeping her off her feet, just for a little while. He wouldn’t be the only rockstar in existence to have small affairs, one night stands behind their wives backs. She couldn’t think of herself as a one night stand, though. She knew it had been more than that. Literally and emotionally. The knowledge didn’t stop the hurt, though._

_Sophia dropped onto the couch, pulling her laptop in her lap. She opened Facebook and scrolled for a while, smiling at pictures of her friends kids and pets, and then all at once she felt every muscle in her body stiffen as she scrolled, what looked like a brand new photo of Zac, his wife on his arm filling up her screen. They were both smiling, looking at each other instead of the camera. The headline underneath screaming at her._

_**Zac Hanson and wife expecting their first child…** _

_Sophia’s eyes blurred and she shut her laptop, pushing it away from her. She’d taken him at his word, and the way he’d told it to her it was as if he was living out his life just going day by day, but they weren’t the actual picture of a married couple. It had clearly all been a lie, and that information settling in on her was making her head hurt._

_She leaned over and grabbed her cellphone from the table, finding his name and composing a text message, the first time she’d actually tried to reach out to him in over two months._

_**Congratulations, Daddy. I’m happy for you.** _

_Only a couple of seconds went by before her phone started ringing, Zac’s name flashing up at her. If only she knew all it would have taken was one passive aggressive text to get him to contact her, she might have sent one a long time ago._

_“Hi,” she pressed the phone to her ear and leaned back on the couch._

_“Sophia,” he was talking low and in just one word she could hear that his voice was sad._

_They didn’t say anything for a minute, each of them just breathing into the phone. She could feel her heart aching just from such a simple sound, she didn’t know how she’d make it through the rest of the phone call._

_“Soph, I-“_

_“Congratulations, “she repeated the word from her text. “I mean it, I’m happy for you.”_

_“I didn’t know how to tell you.”_

_“So, you figured that just pretending I didn’t exist was the better way?”_

_“I do this, I run from conflict sometimes…when I really…” he stopped talking for a second and then he let out a breath. “When I really love someone and I know I’m going to hurt them.”_

_“It would have hurt less to hear it from you.”_

_“I know, I know that now.”_

_“Are you happy?” She almost didn’t want to know._

_“I…think so?” She closed her eyes, leaning her head back on the couch. “Nothing has changed, nothing except for this.”_

_“This is everything.”_

_“I know.”_

_They were silent again, but the quiet was so loud._

_“I have to do the right thing, Soph,” he finally said, his voice breaking on her name. “She told me the day I got back from the tour.”_

_“Yeah,” she whispered, afraid if she spoke normally he’d hear how broken she’d become. “You should do the right thing.”_

_“I really do love you.”_

_“I-“ she shook her head, putting her hand over her eyes. “I can’t. I can’t live with this if you say that.”_

_“I’m sorry,” he sighed. “It’s the truth. I told you nothings changed.”_

_“I have to go,” she sat up, wiping her face. “Good luck, Zac. I mean it.”_

_She ended the call before he could respond, instantly dialing Bailey’s number. She answered on the first ring, her voice causing Sophia to fall the rest of the way apart._

_“I need you,” she cried. “Now.”_

_“I’m on my way,” the call ended and Sophia sat back on the couch again, thankful that at least one person she loved would never leave._

—

“Maybe this will help,” Zac held the paper up and then held it out for Sophia to take. She raised an eyebrow, looking from him to the paper and then back.

“What is it?”

“Just take it,” he held it out further. “Open it up.”

She took the paper from his hands, unfolding it slowly and flipping it around so it was right side up. Her eyes scanned over the words, most of them blurring together as she realized what she was reading. She slowly looked up at him, the paper shaking slightly in her hands.

“Is this real?” She whispered. He nodded and she dropped her head into her hands, not able to fight the tears that instantly unleashed themselves. Her shoulders were shaking as he slid his arm around her, pulling her into him.

“This is not the reaction I was expecting,” he chuckled a little and she looked up at him.

“You’re getting divorced?”

He nodded again, taking the paper from her hands and putting it on the coffee table.

“It’s time.”

“Oh, Zac,” she sighed, almost diving into his arms. He wrapped her in an embrace and kissed the top of her head. “Are you okay?”

“I’m more than okay,” he squeezed her a little bit. “This is a long time coming, Soph. This is the right thing.”


	5. Til Our Lonely Limbs Collide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics from You and I by PVRIS

_I know it’s cold when we’re apart_  
_And I hate to let this die_  
_But you can’t give me what I want_  
_Just give it time_  
_And if you and I can make it through the night_  
_And if you and I can keep our love alive, we’ll find_  
_We can meet in the middle_  
_Bodies and souls collide_  
_Dance in the moonlight when all the stars align_  
_For you and I_

Sophia  
Day Four

This time when Sophia woke up it was to Zac laying next to her, his fingers trailing over the exposed skin of her stomach, a small smile on his face.

“Morning,” he leaned in to kiss her quickly. “I thought you were never going to wake up.”

“How long have you been watching me?” She grinned, stretching her arms out above her.

“Not long enough to be creepy,” he shrugged. “I don’t think.”

She laughed, sitting up and moving to get out of bed, but he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her back down next to him.

“Where you going?”

“The bathroom,” she laughed.

“Stay here,” he mock whined, grinning and nuzzling his face into her neck. 

“Haven’t we spent enough time in bed?” Sophia laughed again, pushing her arms around him and cuddling into him.

They’d gone to bed early, and by gone to bed, they’d laid in bed for hours, making out and petting like a couple of school kids who couldn’t control themselves. Something about Zac’s news had set something off in the both of them, making them completely unable to keep their hands off of each other. When they’d finally fallen asleep, it was with smiles on their faces.

“I don’t know if enough time exists,” he laughed. Running his hands over her back. “I’m leaving tomorrow. We should just camp out here until then.”

“I wish,” she sighed. “Seriously, though. I have to pee.”

He chuckled as she pulled herself out of his arms and off of the bed. She took her time in the bathroom, washing her face and brushing her hair. She had no idea what any of this meant, Zac’s impending divorce, the way he didn’t seem to want to be away from her for any more time than absolutely necessary. But, she couldn’t deny that in that exact moment, she felt happier and more content in her skin than she had in a long time. 

When she left the bathroom Zac was sitting up in bed, the covers pooled in his lap. His phone was in his hand and he looked like he was reading something from the screen. Her eyes scanned over his smooth chest, his arms. She wondered how it was possible to be so undeniably attracted to another human being to the point where her mouth almost watered at the sight of him. 

“Whatcha looking at?” She smiled, sliding back into the bed and leaning back on the headboard. 

“It’s Kate,” he shook his head, motioning at his phone. “She texted, something about Lucy.”

“Is she okay?” Sophia pressed a quick kiss to his shoulder before laying her head on it.

“She didn’t say anything, just that I needed to call and it was about her…I should,” he held up the phone and she nodded, sitting back up. 

“Oh. Yeah, of course,” she nodded again. She stood from the bed and gestured towards the living room. “I’ll just…I’ll let you call her.”

She slowly walked out of the room, shutting the door gently behind her. She leaned up against it and sighed, the fact that Kate would always be there dawning on her suddenly. It wasn’t as if they’d sign some papers and all of a sudden he’d be free of her - they’d be free of her. They shared something that despite the years and the love and anything else that was a part of who they were as a we, that Sophia and him didn’t. They were parents - together - and that would always be there. There was no amount of time that would erase Kate from the story of Zac’s life and Sophia felt a hitch in her breath at the realization that no matter where his heart was, she’d always be looming behind them. 

Zac turned the doorknob, making Sophia jump from where she was still leaning against the door. She spun around as the door opened startling Zac.

“You okay?” He asked quietly, putting a hand on her hip.

“Yeah,” she shook her head. “Yeah, I’m fine. How’s Lucy, what’s going on?”

“She took a fall, they just left the ER. Broke her leg so now she’s sporting a hot pink toddler sized cast. I have to go see her,” he leaned in, kissing Sophia quickly and then squeezing her hip. “You okay with me going?”

“She’s your daughter,” Sophia smiled softly. “Of course I’m okay. But,” she tilted her head. “You’re going now? Back to Tulsa?”

“No,” he smiled. “I’m not going back to Tulsa yet,” he kissed her again, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to him. “Kate’s at her parents…they’ve been staying there for a couple of weeks. It’s just about twenty minutes from here.”

“Oh,” Sophia let out a small laugh, dropping her forehead to Zac’s chest. “I wasn’t ready for you to be gone yet.”

“I actually want to talk to you about that,” Zac kissed her one more time, unwrapping himself from her and heading towards the door. “After, though. When I get back…lets go out to dinner and talk. How’s that sound?”

“Out to dinner,” Sophia smiled and then nodded. “That sounds perfect.”

—

_It was a Friday night in late May, Sophia and Bailey sitting crosslegged next to each other on Sophia’s bedroom floor in front of the large mirror on the wall, makeup spread out in front of them. A little over seven months had passed since the last time Sophia had spoken to Zac, somehow it had been much longer than the time they had spent together, but she still wasn’t fully healed from the pain that their short lived, but intense, relationship had filled her with. Bailey had done a good job of keeping her occupied, always coming up with things to do, taking her out for nights on the town, but Sophia could feel herself falling further and further in a pit of unrelenting unhappiness. She’d been so sure she’d met the other half to her whole, the person who was put on this planet solely to fill the empty space in her life, and now he was gone._

_“Pass that lipstick,” Bailey pointed to a tube of bright red lipstick by Sophia’s leg and then held her hand out. Sophia passed it over, watching as Bailey smeared in on her ample lips._

_“Too much, or just enough much?” Bailey laughed, puckering her lips at Sophia._

_“Just enough,” Sophia smiled, picking up her own lipstick, a more wine colored tube._

_“Ready for some fun?” Bailey, brushed her hands together and then sat back on the floor, her arms holding her up._

_“Ready for some drinks,” Sophia snorted._

_“Is…what’s his name? That guy you were seeing…is he coming?”_

_“No, that’s over,” Sophia shrugged._

_“Jesus, Sophie. What was wrong with this one? Did he laugh to loud? Sneeze weird? Was his left knee just slightly larger than his right one?”_

_“Shut up, Bay,” Sophia rolled her eyes, gathering up all the makeup and tossing it into it’s bin._

_“Seriously, though, what was it this time? Why can’t any of these guys you’re meeting please you?”_

_“They’re just not right,” Sophia shrugged again, pushing herself off the floor and holding her hand out for Bailey. She pulled her friend up and walked into the living room, grabbing her jacket and purse off the couch._

_“They’re just not right, or they’re just not him?” Bailey grabbed her own jacket and purse, looking at Sophia._

_“It has nothing to do with him.”_

_“Of course it does,” Bailey followed Sophia to the door, grabbing her arm before they walked outside. “You have to forget about him, Sophie. He’s gone. You have to move on.”_

_“Bailey, I said it’s not about him. Can you just drop it?”_

_“You’re not alright, honey. I don’t like seeing you like this,” Bailey frowned._

_“Listen, I want to go out and have a good time, can we not do this right now? It’s like you’re more obsessed with him than I am.”_

_“Tell that to the ten different guys you’ve used and discarded because they’re,” Bailey held up her fingers, making air quotes. “Just not right.”_

_Sophia just rolled her eyes and walked out the door and to Bailey’s car, placing her hand on the door handle and waiting for Bailey to unlock the doors. They got into the car and Sophia settled back in her seat, a frown on her face. It’s not that she was mad at Bailey, she knew that what she was saying was right and that she was just looking out for her. It was more that she was mad at herself. For not being able to move on, for thinking about him every single day, for still loving him. For allowing herself to fall for him in the first place. As if someone like Zac Hanson would end up deciding to uproot his entire life for someone like her. She felt like an idiot every single day for even dreaming up the thought that he was serious about her and having Bailey point it out to her only furthered how stupid she felt. She just wanted to not think about him, go out and drink him away._

_—_

_They’d been at the bar for three hours, another little Atlanta dive bar with a great bands playing on the stage. Sophia had lost count of how many cosmos she’d consumed by that point, along with losing track of Bailey all together. She was leaning up against a pole at the side of the room looking at the stage, watching the bassist who seemed to be lost in the sounds he was creating at the moment. She closed her eyes and swayed to the music, letting it fall around her and wash away the conversation with Bailey that was still playing over and over again in her mind. A few seconds later she felt a hand on her shoulder and she jumped a little bit, opening her eyes. She was met with a small smile from a guy a little bit taller than her. She took in his plaid shirt, almost too tight jeans, his bright green eyes and head of messy brown hair._

_“I just…I was watching you and you looked so lost in the music, I couldn’t stop myself from coming over here and introducing myself.” Sophia grinned and tilted her head to the side, raising an eyebrow. “So, uh, hi. I’m Colin.”_

_“Sophia,” she nodded, taking a sip of her drink._

_“I don’t want to be too forward, Sophia,” Colin smiled. “But, you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”_

_“No I’m not,” Sophia laughed, pouring the rest of her drink into her mouth._

_“What makes you say that?”_

_“It’s a cute line, but…I doubt it’s accuracy.”_

_Colin laughed, placing his hand on Sophia’s arm. She took in his face a little closer, appreciating the sparkle in his green eyes._ Wrong color, _she thought to herself._

_“Do you mind if I keep you company?”_

_“Sure,” she shrugged, her eyes trailing up his face._ The hair is all wrong.

_The band segued into a new song and she felt him moving next to her, just slightly, but enough that she could feel his arm brushing up against hers. Her head screaming at her to just stand there, enjoy the music, she shook her inner voice off and turned to him, licking her lips slowly and then leaning in, whispering in his ear._

_“You wanna get out of here?”_

_Sophia had shot a quick text to Bailey that she was going home, she’d see her later, and then called a cab, stumbling out of the bar with Collin’s hand on her lower back._ Not the right size. His fingers are too long. _Within minutes the yellow taxi pulled up alongside the curb, Sophia climbing in and Colin sliding in close behind. She mumbled her address to the driver and then turned to Colin, wrapping her fingers in the front of his shirt. She pulled him to her, smashing their lips together hastily, almost immediately opening her mouth to welcome his tongue inside._

_They stumbled out of the cab and up the steps to Sophia’s front door. She turned away from him to shove the key in the lock, his hands landing on her hips and his lips landing on her neck. She sighed, pushing the door open and pulling him into the house. They made it to the living room, Sophia making quick work of removing his clothes, him following her lead with her own. She pushed him down into a sitting position on the couch and straddled his lap, grinning at the growl he let out when she lowered herself down onto him._

_“Right to it, huh?” He moaned, grasping her waist as she started to ride him._

_“No time to waste.”_

_“I like a girl who knows what she wants.”_

_“Mhmm,” she dropped her head back, moving her body over him, her hands gripping his shoulders. She didn’t want to hear him talk, if she were honest with herself she’d admit that she didn’t even want to look at him. She wanted to close her eyes and imagine that the person underneath her had a completely different face, a different body, different name. All of these guys, the ones that Bailey just couldn’t understand why they weren’t right for her, they were only one thing to her. She needed that feeling again, the one that she felt every time Zac touched her. She was chasing an impossible thing, she knew it. But, she didn’t feel whole anymore without it, she had to find it eventually, she’d convinced herself of that, and until she did, she’d love them and leave them._

_Colin drew her closer to him, pressing their bodies together. She could feel his muscles stiffening around her and judging by the way his breaths were coming out more jagged and quick, she knew he was almost at the end. She moved over him a little bit faster, a little more roughly, until she could feel her orgasm building. She moved a few more times and then let out a low moan, grinning to herself when he came with her._

_She pulled herself off of him and onto the couch and then grabbed her clothes from the floor, pulling them on._

_“I have an early morning,” she looked down at him before walking to her bedroom door._

_“Are you…you mean, you want me to leave?” Colin stood up and gathered his clothes, looking at her with an eyebrow raised._

_“Yeah,” she nodded, shrugging. “Like I said, I have to get up early.”_

_She walked into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her before he could say anything else. She dropped down onto her back on the bed and sighed. She knew that who she was turning into wasn’t the best person in the world, she was ashamed of her behavior and the lengths she had been going to to attempt to make herself feel better, but the care wasn’t at a high enough level for her to stop. She couldn’t stop until she found it, the thing she needed. She was just afraid that she probably never would._

—

Sophia spent a few hours cleaning up the house, realizing quickly how neglected the cleanliness of the place had become while she was so wrapped up in Zac. When she was done she showered and picked out a nice dress, curling her hair and applying her makeup carefully. Throughout their entire relationship spanning over eleven years the number of actual dates they’d gone on were slim. She understood why, it had never been a huge problem for her, but it was a special occasion and she wanted to mark it by looking her best. 

Just as she finished applying a last layer of mascara the doorbell rang. She smiled, sliding her shoes on and walking over to the door and swinging it open. Zac was smiling, holding a dozen of roses out at her.

“What’re these for?” She grinned, taking them and smelling them.

“I just figured, we’re going out to dinner. It’s like a date, right? Our first date…now at least.”

She smiled and shook her head, leaning up and kissing him. 

“You’re so sweet.”

“I try.”

“So,” she said, walking to the kitchen and grabbing a vase out of the cabinet. “How was Lucy?”

“Okay,” he followed behind her and sat down at one the counter stools. “Her leg hurts, but she’ll be alright.”

“That’s good, and the other kids?”

“They’re all good. God, I miss them, Soph.”

“I bet,” she frowned. “How long until this is all over?”

“I’m not sure. It shouldn’t take too long. She’s not contesting the divorce, in fact, she beat me to filing…which is why I had to deal with it here. She’s claiming residency in Atlanta since she moved back to her parents.”

“How will you make that work,” Sophia looked at him. “You know, with the kids?”

“I don’t know, I guess I’m going to have to fight her about it in court. She can’t just take my kids…can she?”

Sophia looked at him again and he was frowning. It was almost like the thought that Kate could keep the kids here in Atlanta had never dawned on him before.

“I guess we just wait and find out what happens, right?” 

“We?” He smiled at her, standing up and walking over to her. He slid his arms around her waist and pulled her close, kissing her lightly on the forehead.

“Yeah,” she smiled up at him. “I mean, if you want…”

“I do,” he shook his head, letting out a sigh. “You don’t even know how badly I want that. We…us. I’ve wanted it for so long.”

“Me too,” she smiled again. 

“Let me change, I have better clothes in my bag. Then we’ll go out, okay?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, backing up from him and placing the roses in their vase. She watched as he walked into the bedroom and smiled to herself. Maybe all of the years of pain and back and forth were finally paying off. Maybe she just needed to be patient. Maybe.

—

_It was October and it was raining and Sophia was miserable._

_She knew that Zac and the band were in town, maybe that was contributing to her misery, she couldn’t be sure. It had been almost a full year since the last time she’d seen him and she found herself looking over her shoulder as she walked down the street, not really sure if she was hoping to run into him or hoping to avoid him. Either way, the knowledge that they were sharing the same air was heavy on her mind. She was going to their show tonight, but she had plans to slip in sometime after the doors opened and slip out before the encore, eliminating all chances of accidentally bumping into him at the venue. She was going alone, Bailey was away with her family, and she’d formed a plan to stand at the back of the room, have a few drinks, let the music wash over her and leave. Some might call this a bit masochistic, but above all else, Sophia really loved that band. They’d been there for her for so many years, she couldn’t allow this thing, or this non-thing, between her and Zac to completely ruin that for her._

_She was standing in the absurdly long line at Starbucks, looking down at her phone when she heard her name. She felt her shoulders stiffen, her eyes still locked on her phone. Then he said it again and her eyes flitted shut, a shaky breath leaving her mouth just as she felt the warmth of his hand on her shoulder._

_She turned around slowly, her eyes hitting his chest - tight grey and white striped shirt - and then moving slowly up to his face. He had a little bit of scruffy facial hair, not too much, as if he’d forgotten to shave for a few days, his eyes were tired, his hair sloppily thrown into a low bun._

_They looked each other over for a few seconds before he slowly smiled, reaching up and lightly brushing her hair out of her face and behind her ear. His fingers stayed on her skin a beat too long and he pulled his hand back, looking down at the floor in between them._

_“I thought I might run into you at some point today…I didn’t think it would be here,” he chuckled, looking back up at her._

_“Needed a pick me up,” she shrugged. “I’m more surprised to see you here, what with the whole wakes up and chugs a Mountain Dew instead of a coffee thing.”_

_“Yeah, well. Taylor needed a pick me up. I offered to run, I had to get out of there for a little while.”_

_“That bad?”_

_“Everyone is just on eleven right now,” he shrugged, rolling his eyes. “We had a problem with some of the equipment. It’s fine now, they’re all just over the top.”_

_“So you decided to become the errand boy?” Sophia tilted her head, looking up at him. She was struck by how good he looked, even in his undeniable state of exhaustion. Also not lost on her was their ability to fall right back into an easy back and forth, as if a full year and some heart ache wasn’t filling the void in between them._

_“Guess so,” he shrugged, dragging the toe of his beat up Converse Chucks across the tile floor._

_She nodded, looking at him for a few seconds, wanting to ask the next question and at the same not wanting to know the answer. She finally coughed a little and then looked back at him._

_“How’s the baby?”_

_His eyes lit up a little at her question and her heart was torn in between immediate sheer happiness for him and incurable sadness. She didn’t really want to know, she knew she didn’t. It was a baby, innocent and pure and nothing to do with her, but it was also the thing that had ripped him from her, and that was a fact that no matter how good she tried to be she just couldn’t forget._

_“He’s good, he’s…man, Soph, he’s so cute. He’s smart, too, for a baby, you know? I bet you all parents say that, but, it’s true for him.”_

_“That’s nice, Zac,” she smiled a little, his name feeling almost foreign on her tongue after all this time. “I’m really happy for you.”_

_“Are you?” He tilted his head. She stared at him, not expecting such an honest question. She laughed a little and shook her head, the words fuck it running through her mind._

_“No.”_

_He sighed, shaking his head and looking at the ground again._

_“I’m sorry, Soph.”_

_“No,” she shook her head. “No, we’re not…we’re just not doing this, okay?” She looked up at him and smiled. “I am…I am happy for you, okay? I’m just…not happy for me.”_

_“I want to change it…I wish I could change it.”_

_“But, you can’t. Right? You can’t change it. What’s done is done,” she shrugged just as the barista called that it was her turn. “I really need this coffee, more now than I did before.”_

_She turned and walked to the counter, reciting her coffee order and leaning her palms down on top of it. He stepped up beside her and put a hand on her elbow._

_“Let me get it, okay?”_

_“No, you don’t-“_

_“I want to, Soph. Just let me buy your coffee okay? It’s the least I can do.”_

_She let out another sigh and nodded, stepping to the side a little so he could join her at the counter. He rattled off Taylor’s coffee order to the barista and then paid, the two of them stepping to the side of the store where the orders came out._

_“Look, you’re…are you coming…tonight?”_

_“Yeah, I’m coming.”_

_“Can we get together after? Just…to talk? I really want to talk to you.”_

_She went over her options in her mind. She could do what she really wanted to do and say yes, allow herself to get wrapped back up in everything about him, or she could do the smart thing and say absolutely not, skip the show and try to go on with her life. Before she even knew what she was doing, she was nodding her head._

_“Yeah, okay.”_

_“Yeah?” He smiled down at her, stepping to the counter when they called their coffees out and grabbing them. He handed one to her and clutched the other in his hand._

_“Yeah, sure.”_

_“Great,” she smiled, squeezing her elbow with his other hand. “I have to get back, Tay is probably already sending out a search party. I’ll see you tonight, okay? Just…um. Meet me behind the venue, as soon as the show is over. We’re playing two encores, leave before the second one.”_

_“Okay,” she nodded her head. He smiled again and walked quickly out of the coffee shop, disappearing behind the corner._

—

Zac had chosen to take Sophia to a cozy little Italian place she’d never been to before. They sat side by side at a tiny table tucked away in the corner, a candle glowing in the center of the table.

“This place is nice, I didn’t even know it was here,” she smiled at him, taking a small sip of the wine she’d ordered.

“Found it on Google,” he grinned.

“Well, good job,” she laughed. 

They ordered their food and picked at the bread that the waitress had left on the table until Sophia couldn’t take it anymore. She turned to Zac and put her hand on his leg, a grin on her face.

“Okay, spill it! What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Ah, no patience,” he grinned, shaking his head and placing his bread down on the plate. “Okay, so…well,” he shook his head and picked up his beer bottle, taking a sip of it before placing it back down on the table. He turned his body fully towards her and picked her hand off his knee, holding in in his own. He lifted it to his lips and placed a kiss on it before smiling at her again. “I know that I’ve only been back for a few days, and you probably don’t really trust me again yet,” he frowned at that and then shook it off. “But, I have to go back to Tulsa, you know that. And, well…I want you to come with me.”

“What?” She raised her eyebrows, shaking her head.

“Not…not tomorrow. But, soon. I want you to come with me…not to visit, but to stay. I want you to move…to Tulsa, to be with me. I want to do this right.”

He stopped talking and squeezed her hand, his eyes large and hopeful. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, every rational thread in her body telling her to laugh, tell him he was crazy. Push him away and tell him to stop messing with her. Instead of doing any of those things, she found herself leaning forward and pressing her lips hard against his before pulling back and nodding her head once.

“Okay,” she nodded again, squeezing his hand this time. “Okay, yeah.”

—

_Sophia stood against the cold brick of the venue, tapping the toe of her boot on the concrete underneath her. She was counting down the seconds before fans starting milling around back there and it was making her nerves light on fire. She didn’t know if she’d ever get used to this feeling of sneaking around, hiding out behind buildings to stay out of view. Why would she need to? This was just one night, they were just going to talk. Then she’d never have to do this again._

_After a few minutes, the door of the venue opened and Zac came out. She watched him look to the left and then finally towards her. His face broke out into a huge smile and he walked quickly to her, placing his hand on her lower back and leading her around the corner._

_“Come on, we’ll walk down the block and then we’ll get a cab.”_

_“Where are we going?” She looked up at him as they briskly walked down the street._

_“I figured-“ he looked at her and then shook his head, turning the corner. “I’m so stupid, I just figured we could go back to your place.”_

_“No,” she shook her head. “That’s fine. Yeah, my place is fine.”_

_“I have a room, it’s a few blocks away. We could go there instead?”_

_“Whatever you want,” she looked up at him again. “Really, whichever is fine.”_

_He nodded as they turned another corner and then he pulled her into a small alcove, the entrance to a business that was closed. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and called for a cab._

_“It’ll be here in five minutes,” he shoved his phone back in his pocket and turned to face her. “Thank you for agreeing to this, Soph.”_

_She nodded, folding her arms over her chest for lack of anything better to do with them. His eyes remained steady on her even after she looked down at her feet, playing with a loose piece of concrete with her boot. It was almost like he was trying to bore holes into her head, the way that she could feel his gaze hot on her. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the cab pulled up to the curb and he walked to it, holding the door open for her. She got in and he slid in beside her, shutting the door and telling the driver the name of his hotel. When she turned to him, a questioning look on her face, he smiled and shrugged._

_“Figured I could shower and change, might be better for you,” he grinned. “I worked up quite a sweat. Don’t want to stink you out.”_

_She grinned and shook her head, looking out the window as the lights of the city rolled by. A few minutes later they pulled up outside of the hotel and Zac got out first, shutting the door behind her after she joined him. He paid the driver through the window and then lead her into the hotel where they were instantly met with Taylor._

_“Hey,” Taylor walked towards them, a questioning look on his face._

_“Hey,” Zac said, breathing out. “How’d you get back here so fast?”_

_“I didn’t want to get stuck there for hours, I’m not feeling so-“ Taylor turned to look at Sophia and tilted his head. “I’ve seen you before…haven’t I?”_

_“Yeah, I-“_

_“Jason's friend, remember?” Zac spoke up. Sophia looked over at him and shook her head a little, she’d almost forgot how quick and easy a lie came to him when he needed one._

_“Right…um-“ Taylor held his hand up. “Your name is escaping me.”_

_“Sophia.”_

_“Right,” he nodded. “What are you guys doing?” He turned his gaze to Zac and raised an eyebrow._

_“We-“ Zac looked over at Sophia and then back to Taylor, seemingly at a loss for a lie this time._

_“What are you doing, Zac?” Taylor’s voice dropped a few notches and he looked between them._

_“Nothing, Tay, it’s nothing.”_

_She knew it shouldn’t, but the way he said the words made a tightening feeling form in her chest. Nothing. He wasn’t wrong, she guessed. It was nothing, it couldn’t be anything but nothing._

_“You need to be careful,” Taylor narrowed his eyes. “More careful than this. I could be any fan of hundreds right now, what are you thinking?”_

_“Tay, it’s no-“_

_“No, it’s not,” Taylor shook his head. “It’s all over your face, both of you,” he motioned between them. “How long has-“_

_“Taylor!” Zac groaned. “Come on, don’t.”_

_“Fine,” Taylor shrugged. “Be careless. Your funeral.”_

_“Tay,” Zac spoke through clenched teeth. “She’s an old friend.”_

_“Right, of Jason's,” Taylor rolled his eyes._

_“No, of mine, okay? What is the big deal?”_

_“The big deal is, we’re standing in the lobby of a hotel directly after we played a show. Anyone could see you.”_

_“Yeah, and the longer you keep us here, the higher that chance gets.”_

_Sophia sighed, shaking her head. She put a hand on Zac’s arm and cleared her throat._

_“Zac, I think I’m going to go.”_

_“No,” he shook his head. “No, you’re not. It’s fine, he’s just being dramatic.”_

_Taylor snorted and the three of them walked towards the bank of elevators, Taylor stabbing the up button. They got in the elevator, Taylor standing against the wall on one side, Zac and Sophia on the other. Taylor looked them over for a few seconds before speaking again._

_“Look, I’m not an idiot,” Zac snorted this time and Sophia elbowed him in the side. “But, I’m not going to lecture you. I just want you to be more careful next time.”_

_“There wont be a next time,” Sophia said, crossing her arms. She felt Zac deflate a little next to her and she almost felt bad for it._

_“I’m sure there will,” Taylor shrugged. “I know how this goes.”_

_“Do you?” Sophia raised an eyebrow, tilting her head._

_“I’m not perfect,” Taylor shrugged again. “None of us are. People make mistakes.”_

_“She’s not a mistake,” Zac spoke up. “Don’t say it like that.”_

_“She seems like a lovely girl,” Taylor motioned towards Sophia. “But, she’s not your wife, so.”_

_“Sucks for me,” Zac mumbled and Sophia’s head snapped towards him._

_“What?” She breathed._

_“Nothing,” Zac shook his head just as the elevator doors opened._

_The three of them stepped into the hallway, Zac stopping at the third door to the right. Taylor stopped with them and seemed to be choosing his words carefully. Finally he stepped a little closer to them and leaned his hand against the wall._

_“Listen, I get it. You haven’t been happy in a long time, Zac. We all know it, even if you think we don’t. But, if you’re going to do this,” he motioned between them and the hotel room door. “You should do it right.”_

_“I don’t need you being all holier than thou with me right now, Tay,” Zac turned to face Taylor, the keycard in his hand. “Like I don’t know about all of your indiscretions. Like, everyone doesn’t know about them. This isn’t what you think it is. Maybe it used to be, but it isn’t anymore, I just wanted a chance to talk with her.”_

_“Okay,” Taylor shrugged and then nodded, standing up and turning to walk to his own room. “Whatever makes you feel better.”_

_Zac groaned and unlocked the door, pushing it open for Sophia to walk in before him. She dropped her bag on the dresser and walked to the window, looking out at the city. Their run in with Taylor had left her with a bad taste in her mouth and she knew she should just go. She knew that she shouldn’t stay there with him, allow them the chance to start their disaster of a relationship all over again. But, the bigger part of her wanted nothing else than to stay in that hotel room with him, let whatever happened happen and deal with the consequences later. When she turned to find him digging through his suitcase for clean clothes, that part won out. She walked towards him and stood in front of him, looking down while he picked a pair of sweatpants out of the bag. When he was finished he stood and she closed the gap between them, sliding her arms around his waist and burying her face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly, his mouth pressed to the top of her head._

_“I missed you,” he breathed into her hair. She nodded against him, every day of every month that had passed since she’d been with him stacking up on top of her. She breathed in and out a few times to stop it from happening, but before she could do anything about it there were tears falling from her eyes, wetting the front of his shirt. “Oh, Soph,” he whispered, running his hands up and down her back lightly. “I’m so sorry.”_

_She nodded again, tightening her hold around him. She felt stupid, standing there in his arms crying so hard. She sometimes wondered if their time together even justified the intense emotions he brought out of her. She knew that what they had was short lived and by any normal standards it would be insane for her to still be carrying on like this a year later, but she couldn’t help it. Everything about the two of them had been intense from the word go, why would their reunion be any different._

_“I’m sorry,” he whispered again, running a hand up to the back of her head, letting his fingers tangle up in her hair. “I’m so sorry.”_

_She turned her head up to look at him and was surprised to see that there were tears in his eyes too. She frowned, shaking her head a little bit, wanting to ask him why. Wanting to ask him how he’d survived the last year when she felt like she’d been barely hanging on. None of the words came, her hand moving up his back and then landing on the back of his neck. Before she could listen to reason she was pulling his head down towards her, breathing out what felt like a sigh of relief when his lips landed on hers._

_She wasn’t sure if the tears were coming from her eyes or his as they kissed, one of his hands trailing down her arm and landing on her own. He linked their fingers and sighed into her mouth, pulling away a little bit and resting his forehead on hers._

_“I didn’t bring you here to-“_

_“I know,” she shook her head, pulling his mouth back to hers. For just a few minutes, she didn’t want to talk. She wanted to remember what it was like to feel like this. She’d been chasing this high for so long and now it was here, standing in front of her, and she wasn’t going to let it go to waste._

—

They ate their meals, unable to keep themselves from leaning over and kissing each other quickly every few minutes. It was energizing to be able to be there, out in public with him, doing these things. She was running through all of the ways that soon this would be her new normal when the check finally came. Zac picked it up and slid his credit card into the holder, placing it on the edge of the table. He turned to her and smiled.

“Can you believe it? After all these years we’re finally going to do this thing the right way?”

“No,” she laughed, shaking her head. “I really didn’t think it would ever happen. I always hoped it would, but…it’s just…it’s been such a long time. After the last time, I really thought it was over for good. I didn’t even think I’d ever see you again.”

“I couldn’t stay away from you, Soph,” he looked down for a second and then back up at her. His face had changed a little in the few short seconds he had looked away. It was like he was lost in years of mistakes and let downs that were suddenly being washed away. “I never could.”

—

They drove back to Sophia’s house, Zac behind the wheel of her car, their hands clasped on top of the center console. 

“We should drive this to Tulsa when it’s time for you to come…you’re going to need a car, I’m sure.”

“Nothing tests a new relationship like twelve hours in a car together,” Sophia laughed, reaching forward and turning the radio’s volume down.

“Hey, we’ll make it,” Zac laughed. “I have faith in us.”

“Me too,” Sophia smiled as Zac maneuvered the car into her driveway.

They walked into the house, Zac depositing the leftovers on the kitchen counter and then following her to the bedroom. Zac stripped down to his boxers while Sophia changed into an oversized t-shirt and they slid into the bed, instantly curling up into each other. 

“Soon this will be our every night,” Zac ran his fingers through Sophia’s hair and she smiled.

“Except for all those nights where you’re on tour,” Sophia laughed.

“Except for those,” Zac chuckled. “But, you can come with me.”

“That sounds like fun,” Sophia yawned, covering her mouth with the back of her hand.

“I want you with me every day,” Zac pressed his lips to Sophia’s cheek and then the corner of her mouth. “I don’t want to miss another minute with you.”

“We do have a lot of making up for lost time to do, don’t we?” Sophia grinned as Zac’s hand slid up her thigh, pushing her t-shirt up.

“So much lost time,” he mumbled, his lips attached to her neck, his hand moving up to her breast as he moved his body on top of hers. “So much time to do this.”

Sophia laughed softly as Zac backed up onto his knees, pulling her panties down before wiggling out of his boxers and settling back down on top of her.

“Doing this is nice,” Sophia breathed as he slid inside of her with a low moan.

—

_Zac was curled around Sophia’s back, her hand firmly clasped in his. They’d been laying there in the silence for a long time, their breathing filling up the room around them. Sophia wasn’t sure about the reason for Zac’s silence, but she knew that for her, speaking would likely lead to tears and she was positive she’d shed enough of those already. Their skin was pressed together, still slightly sweaty and sticky, but Sophia didn’t want to move. She knew that once she pulled herself from his grasp, got up and left that room, it was likely going to be over all over again and she wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye._

_After what felt like hours he pulled his hand gently from hers and ran it lightly up her side, it landing her shoulder._

_“Soph,” he said quietly, squeezing her shoulder._

_“Mmm?”_

_“Look at me.”_

_She sighed and turned in the bed so she was facing him. Their faces were so close together their noses were almost touching. She looked into his eyes and frowned, knowing beyond any fault that she would never find eyes that made her lose her breath the way his did._

_“This wasn’t my intention,” he frowned, running his hand down her arm and linking their fingers back together._

_“I know.”_

_“No,” he shook his head. “You knowing it inside isn’t enough, I want you to know it because I tell you and you believe me. Do you believe me?”_

_She searched his eyes for a second and then nodded, “I believe you.”_

_“You deserve better than this, Soph,” he sighed, brushing her hair away from her face._

_“Isn’t that up to me?”_

_“How can I say I love you and then put you through this over again?” He frowned. “I know I do…love you. I don’t know how to fix things.”_

_“I don’t think you can,” she frowned and shook her head slightly. “I don’t want to think about it right now, okay? I just want to be here…with you.”_

_He nodded and pulled her into him, her face nuzzling into his chest. She closed her eyes and pretended that he wouldn’t go this time, that they’d have all the time in the world to talk about whatever it was that they were. As she drifted off to sleep she knew that when she opened her eyes he’d be gone, so she tightened her hold on him, kissing his chest gently, making herself believe that right now was enough._


	6. You & I Will Fall in Time Eventually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics and title from Tightrope by Kelly Clarkson

_You're on the tightrope_   
_I've got my reasons_   
_How did we get so tangled?_   
_You turn, I stay straight_   
_I bend as you break_   
_We're so messed up but I know_   
_That you and I will fall in time, eventually_   
_Or maybe we'll both die trying_   
_'Cause I ain't seen nothin' like you_   
_The way you light up every room tonight_   
_So easily_

Sophia  
Day Five

When the daylight streaming in through the bedroom windows stirred Sophia awake she groaned, throwing her arm over her eyes. Maybe if she just wished it hard enough, time would rewind and it wouldn’t be almost time for Zac to get on a plane and fly away from her. 

For the first time since they’d been in this tornado of a relationship, though, Sophia knew that she’d be seeing him again once he walked out the door, and she knew it would be soon. A sense of security between them wasn’t something she was used to, but she was growing to like it quite a bit.

She rolled over towards Zac and kissed his bare shoulder, taking in the picture of him sleeping soundly there next to her. She was sure that even if she had a million years to search the world for someone to complete her, she’d never find anyone even close to what was in front of her. She shook him lightly, as she ran her lips along the exposed skin of his arm and his chest, up his neck and landing on his cheek right by his mouth.

“Time to wake up,” she whispered, sliding her hands over his chest. He made an unintelligible sound that sounded an awful lot like no thank you and grabbed her wrist, pulling her onto him. He wrapped his arms around her back and pressed his face into her neck. She smiled at the feeling of his hot breath washing over her skin and she turned her head, kissing him on the lips this time. He kissed her back slowly, his hands pressing onto her lower back as if to keep her with him.

“You really have to get up,” she whispered in his ear, kissing the skin just underneath it. “You’re going to miss your flight.”

“Don’t care,” he mumbled, his hips pressing up into hers. She smiled when she felt how hard he was and shook her head.

“Nope,” she laughed, pushing herself up on her arms and hovering over him. “No time. Plus, we’ll save it for when I get to Tulsa. It’ll be special then.”

“It’s always special,” he whispered, putting his hand on the back of her neck and pulling her face to his. She let him kiss her for a few seconds and then she pulled away, rolling off of him and untangling herself from his arms.

“Come on, up and at ‘em,” She climbed over him and stood up, pulling his arms to get him up too. “If you miss your flight you’re going to regret it.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” he groaned, letting her pull him to his feet. “It just means I’ll get to stay here longer.”

“We’ll be together soon,” she smiled up at him. “How soon, by the way? We never really…specified.”

He looked down at her and ran his hand over her head, it settling at the back of her neck.

“As soon as possible. How long will it take you to pack up? We’ll have to rent a moving truck, right?”

“I mean, I’m fine with leaving everything behind,” she laughed.

“Don’t be ridiculous, I’ll take care of all of that. What are you going to do about the house?”

“Well,” she looked around. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

“You could rent it out.”

She bit her lip and then suddenly an idea came to her. She smiled and shook her head.

“I know exactly what to do.”

“What?”

“I’ll see if Bailey wants to move in. Her landlord sucks, she’s been dying to get out of that shit hole forever.”

“That’s awesome, Soph,” Zac smiled, leaning down and kissing her on the forehead. “So, let’s say…two weeks? Can you be packed and ready to go by then?”

“Yeah,” she smiled, nodding up at him. Suddenly her knees felt a little bit weak, her chest tight and heavy. All at once all of the changes that would be taking place surrounded her. She sank to the end of the bed and put her face in her hands, not able to stop the tears that came.

“Hey,” Zac sunk down next to her and put his arm around her. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s just,” she looked at him, shaking her head. “I’m betting everything on you here. This is dangerous and risky and-“

“No,” Zac shook his head, putting a finger to her lips. “No, not this time. This is perfect and it’s going to be amazing, okay? Don’t worry about anything. Nothing can change this now.”

“Okay,” she nodded, wiping her eyes. “I have a lot to deal with after you leave, I’m just suddenly overwhelmed.”

“I know,” he kissed her cheek, standing back up. “It’ll all be worth it.”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “It will.”

―

An hour later Zac climbed into his rental after kissing every inch of Sophia’s face a hundred times and promising her that they’d be back together soon. She watched the car get smaller and smaller until eventually she couldn’t see it anymore and then she climbed back up the steps to her door, pushing it open and stepping into her house. She leaned against the door, looking around the room. She compiled a list of things she had to get done in her head, but she knew what the first two items she’d need to check off were before she even added anything else. She knew it wasn’t going to be pleasant, but it had to be done. Trevor was due back in a couple of hours and she’d need to explain this to him. Scarier than that was explaining it to Bailey. Sophia let out a breath, picturing her best friends face when she broke this news to her. 

She could get through the hard parts - the faster the better - to get her back to Zac.

―

_It had been six months since Sophia and Zac had started back up and she was ready to throw up at the prospect of seeing him again. He’d be in town for something, he wasn’t clear on what, and the first thing he did when he found out was call her and let her know that he’d be at her door at nine PM. It was 8:57 and she found herself pacing back and forth in front of the door, running her hands through her hair and checking her reflection in the mirror every few seconds. It had never been like this for them before, their relationship carrying on once he left and then him coming back. This was new and nerve wracking and Sophia wasn’t sure what she should expect from him._

_They’d spent the last six months talking on the phone whenever they could and exchanging text messages and emails when they couldn’t, Sophia’s feelings for him growing to the point of bursting. She felt like she really knew him, not the him that he wanted everyone to know, but the him who he really was, and that made her feel privileged and special. Sometimes she wondered if his wife really knew him at all. Based on the level on unhappiness he seemed to hold about his day to day home life, she was almost sure she had her answer without even having to ask._

_When the doorbell finally rang at two past eight she jumped in the air and ran over to the door, straightening her clothes out before pulling it open. All she could get out was a breathy ‘hi’ before he had her wrapped up in his arms, spinning her around once before placing her down on the floor and kissing her deeply. She smiled against his mouth, the feeling and taste of him still exactly how she remembered it. He picked her back up and she wrapped her legs around his waist, him carrying her straight to the bedroom and dropping her down on the bed, climbing on top of her._

_“I fucking missed you so much,” he finally spoke, his mouth all over her face and neck, his hands roaming her body as if he were trying to remember the exact feel of it._

_“Me too,” she breathed, her arms finally remembering how to work, she brought them to his chest and slowly unbuttoned his shirt, pushing it off his shoulders. He wasn’t wearing anything underneath it and she pushed her head up, pressing her lips to the skin over his heart._

_“I’m so tired,” he pressed his forehead to hers, his eyes shut. “Can we just sleep?”_

_“Yeah,” she smiled, running her fingers through his hair._

_He rolled off of her and pulled her to him, his arms wound tightly around her. Within seconds she felt his breathing deepen and she knew he was asleep. She smiled, bringing one of his hands to her mouth, kissing it and shutting her eyes. This was enough._

_―_

_She woke to fingers trailing over her skin, warm lips on her neck. She smiled as Zac shimmied her tank top off followed by her pants and pressed his body up against hers. His skin was warm and his hands rough on her skin just like always. She was filled with comfort from the sameness of it, moaning softly when his hand slid around her waist and in between her legs. She opened her eyes slowly, seeing that it was still dark outside, a quick glance at the clock telling her it wasn’t even five in the morning yet._

_She couldn’t stop the tiny moans leaving her mouth as his fingers moved on her, slowly and gently as if he were teasing her. His other arm slid underneath her body and wrapped around her, ensuring their bodies were as close together as he could get them. She could feel it against her as he grew hard, his hand moving on her a little faster._

_He moved a little bit and then slid slowly into her, filling her up completely. He moved slow, finding his rhythm, his hand never slowing on her. She whispered his name, turning her head to look at him and smiling when he leaned over her, covering her mouth with his. He kissed her tenderly, both of his hands now on her stomach, holding him to her._

_They stayed like this, moaning against each others lips, their legs tangled up until Zac moved his head back, his voice coming out heavy and breathy._

_“I’m not going to last much longer.”_

_“It’s okay,” she smiled reaching up and winding her arm around him, her hand on the back of his neck._

_“I want you to-“_

_“I will,” she smiled again, leaning her head back against him._

_His hand slid down her body again, disappearing in between her legs and she groaned, pressing back against him._

_“I love you,” he whispered into her hair as he fell over the edge, taking her with him._

―

Sophia sat on the couch staring at the clock. Trevor should have been back home an hour ago and as the minutes ticked by she was slowly losing her nerve. She knew she wasn’t the only one in the relationship who had the idea that their time together was winding down. It was obvious in every detail of their lives, not the least of which was the fact that she’d never even thought to mention the fact that he even existed to Zac. That didn’t help the fact that Sophia was almost allergic to hurting people and the thought of telling him to his face that she needed him to move out and move on was making her feel slightly ill. Finally, just as she was about to get up and go to bed she heard his key in the lock. She turned to the door and watched as he pushed it open. He walked in, rolling his suitcase behind him. He barely looked up at her as he rolled the suitcase through the house, only setting his eyes on her as he walked past her to the bedroom.

“Hey,” he nodded at her, standing his suitcase up and shrugging out of his jacket. 

“Hey,” she frowned, her eyes following the jacket. He knew she hated it when he did that. “I know you’re probably tired but-“

“I really am, and I need a shower,” he interrupted her. Another thing she hated.

“Okay, that’s great, but I need to talk to you first.”

“Is it really important? I just got back, Sophie.”

“It’s really important,” she nodded. “Please just sit down for a minute,” she motioned towards the open spot on the couch next to her.

He sighed, slipping the beanie that was on his head off and tossing it on the coffee table. He walked around her legs and sat down next to her, his hands on his knees.

“Alright, what is it?”

“Look, Trev-“ she blew out a breath, trying to figure out how to word what she needed to say. When she couldn’t come up with a gentle way to say it, she just said whatever came to her mind. “I know you just got back, but I think…I think you should just go stay at your brothers place. I, um…I’ve had a lot of time to think while you’ve been gone and things aren’t working…I mean, you know that. Things haven’t been working in a while and I just,” she shrugged. “I just think I want you to leave. Um, like…now?”

He looked at her for a second before laughing.

“So, who is he?”

“What?” She raised her eyebrows and shook her head.

“You wouldn’t be doing this unless there was someone else, so who is he? Just please, don’t tell me it’s the guy who fucked you up so badly that it took me six months to get you to even let me spend the night.”

She huffed and stood up, walking towards the bedroom. She stopped at the door and turned back to him.

“I’m not doing this, it’s not going to be some big fight where we make up at the end of it but stay mad at each other for a week anyway. I’m telling you how it is, and I mean it. I want you out of my house. It’s over, Trevor.”

She walked into the bedroom and started taking his things out of the dresser and tossing them onto the bed. She pulled his shoes out from under the bed and tossed them into the middle of the room. When he walked in he looked down at her where she was kneeling on the floor pulling the last pair of sneakers out and rolled his eyes.

“You’re serious.”

“I’m serious,” she nodded, standing up and brushing her hands off on her jeans. “I need you gone, okay? If you would have approached this conversation a little bit nicer, I would have too. But, once again, you’ve shown me why exactly it is that I’m not in love with you.”

“Whatever, Sophia,” he rolled his eyes again. “What am I supposed to do with all this shit?”

“You can shove it in your suitcase, hell, take my suitcase, just pack it up and leave. I’m going to take a shower and I need you to be gone when I get out,” She went to turn around and then stopped, looking at him again. “And take your stupid baseball bat with you.”

She walked to the bathroom without giving him the chance to answer her and slammed the door. 

She shouldn’t have expected anything less from him, but she was thankful that he made it easy on her. 

―

_Somehow Zac and Sophia managed to keep up some semblance of a relationship for the next two years. She knew it was wrong and sometimes she felt guilty about it. Sometimes, like when Kate ended up pregnant again, when she gave birth to their second child - a girl - and Sophia tried not to think about the fact that she was sleeping with someone else’s husband. She tried not to think about the fact that he was still sleeping with his wife._

_She never asked him why, or how, it happened. She never asked him to explain. She figured that they were bound to sleep together, two adults living in a home together, sharing a bed and a child already. It didn’t meant that it didn’t hurt, but she figured it was what it was and if she wanted to keep him in her life - and oh, she did - she needed to learn how to deal with it. The irony that she felt betrayed by the person who was betraying his wife by being with her in the first place was not lost on her, she just decided that she’d rather not think about it._

_Her and Bailey had just finished a One Tree Hill marathon when the doorbell rang. Bailey looked over at Sophia and made a face._

_“Expecting company? It’s almost midnight.”_

_“No,” Sophia shook her head. “Maybe it’s a serial killer.”_

_Bailey laughed and rolled her eyes, standing up from the couch._

_“I don’t think serial killers ring the bell, Sophie,” She walked towards the door and pulled it open, gasping a little bit. Sophia tried to look and see who was standing there but she couldn’t see around the door._

_“Was I right? Is it a serial killer?”_

_“No,” Bailey called back, turning back to the door. “Well. Hey there.”_

_“Hey,” a voice chuckled and Sophia jumped off the couch, a huge smile growing on her face. She ran over to the door and threw it open the rest of the way before throwing herself into the man standing theres arms._

_“What are you doing here!?” She practically shrieked, causing both Bailey and Zac to chuckle._

_“I’m in town, just for tonight, I’m leaving in the morning, but I had to sneak away and come see you.”_

_“Why are you here? Why didn’t you tell me?”_

_“I wanted it to be a surprise,” Zac smiled, letting go of Sophia and motioning into the house. “Can I come in?”_

_“Of course you can,” Sophia smiled. “But first,” she stretched up and pressed her lips to his, her hand on his cheek. She giggled against his lips when she heard Bailey let out a ‘well then’ from behind them._

_“Sorry,” Sophia laughed again, pulling herself from Zac’s arms and shutting the door. “Zac, this is my best friend Bailey, Bailey this is Zac.”_

_“Hey, Bailey,” Zac smiled, holding his hand out to Bailey. She took it hesitantly and nodded. “It’s nice to finally meet you, I’ve heard a lot about you.”_

_“Same here,” Bailey, tilted her head. “I believe I was on the phone with Sophie here once when you decided that was the perfect time to go down on her.”_

_“Sorry about that,” Zac chuckled. “Sometimes I just can’t help myself around this one,” he slid his arm around Sophia’s waist, pulling her close to him._

_“So, why are you in town?” Sophia looked back up at Zac, unable to wipe the smile from her face. “Not that I’m complaining.”_

_“Well, we’re here for Shep’s birthday party with Kate’s family, it was yesterday.”_

_“I’m sorry,” Bailey piped up, both Zac and Sophia turning to look at her. “Are you telling us that you snuck away from your wives families house to come visit…your what, mistress?”_

_Sophia frowned and she felt Zac stiffen a little next to her. She sighed, shaking her head at Bailey. She’d made her fair share of comments about being less than thrilled that Sophia had seemed to accept her position in Zac’s life, but Sophia had never expected her to be so vocal about it in front of him._

_“I don’t really like to think of Sophia as my mistress,” when Sophia turned to look at Zac, his eyebrows were high on his forehead and his face uncomfortable._

_“But, what’s what she is, isn’t it?” Bailey shrugged, grabbing her purse from the coffee table. “I’m not being a dick here, I’m just calling it what it is.”_

_“I-“ Zac started but Sophia shook her head and held her hand up._

_“Let’s not do this,” she shot Bailey a look and then smiled at Zac. “I’m glad you came to say hi.”_

_“Me too,” he grinned and kissed her hair._

_“Well, I’m just-“ Bailey walked past Sophia and Zac, patting Sophia on the shoulder. “I’m just going to get out of here. You two lovebirds have fun. Call me in the morning, Sophie,” she looked at Zac and then smiled a little. “Nice finally meeting you.”_

_“You too,” he nodded and smiled._

_They watched Bailey let herself out and then they turned to each other and smiled, Zac picking Sophia up in his arms, her knees bending over one of his arms, her back resting on the other. He leaned down and kissed her and then walked her to the bedroom._

_“I only have a couple of hours, lets make them count.”_

―

Sophia had shot a quick text to Bailey telling her she had some big things to share with her and asking her to come over as soon as possible, so when she walked out of her bedroom running a brush through her hair, she wasn’t shocked to see her sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in front of her on the coffee table. There was en empty glass next to her full one and she held it up.

“Want some?”

“God, yes,” Sophia dropped down on the couch next to her and took the now full glass out of Bailey’s hand when she held it out to her. She took a long sip and then tossed her hair brush down on the table. She took another long sip, nearly draining the glass before placing it down on the table. “So.”

“Yeah, so,” Bailey repeated, turning her body towards Sophia. “What’s your big news?”

“Well,” Sophia tilted her head trying to decide where to start. “I kicked Trevor out.”

“About time,”Bailey snorted. “How’d he take that?”

“Just as you’d expect he would,” Sophia shrugged. “But, that’s not really my big news. I mean, I guess it’s news…but it’s expected news, isn’t it?”

“I’d say,” Bailey grinned. “So, what is it? The suspense is killing me.”

“Well, it’s in two parts,” Sophia leaned back on the couch. “I want you to give your landlord notice and move in here.”

“What?” Bailey shook her head. “You only have one bedroom.”

“Right. It’ll be your bedroom.”

“What are you-“ Bailey opened her mouth, her eyes growing wide. “What the fuck are you planning?”

“This is the part that you might not be-“ Sophia waved her hand in the air, looking for a word. “Thrilled with?”

“Good lord, help us all,” Bailey grabbed her wine glass and poured all of it’s contents into her mouth. Sophia chuckled, taking the empty glass from Bailey’s hand and putting it on the table. 

“So, after you left here the other day, you know…when you were so nice to Zac.”

“I’m not apologizing for that,” Bailey shrugged and Sophia chuckled.

“I’m not asking you to. Anyway, after you left Zac handed me divorce papers. They’re really doing it, she’s living here…in Atlanta, with her parents. That’s why he’s been here, to deal with everything. It’s over, finally, and we’re going to…we’re going to do this. For real.”

Sophia watched half a dozen expressions change on Bailey’s face, her mouth open just a little bit. They looked at each other in silence and Sophia could practically hear the wheels turning in Bailey’s head as the seconds passed by. 

“Say something,” Sophia finally said, shaking Bailey’s knee lightly. 

“I’m happy for you,” Bailey said slowly. “I am, it’s just…are you about to tell me that you’re moving away? Running off to _Okla-fucking-homa_ with this guy?”

“He’s not just some guy, and yes, that’s what I’m telling you. He asked me to move to be with him and that’s what I’m going to do.”

“Don’t you think this is a little fast?”

“We’ve been at this for over a decade, Bay,” Sophia chuckled. “Fast isn’t exactly what I’d call it, no.”

“But, this is different, isn’t it? I mean, you’re going to be together, right? Like, in a real relationship? What if you figure out that it really doesn’t work between you and now you’re all the way in Tulsa with nothing and no one?”

Sophia let Bailey’s words sink in and then she shook her head, waving her hand in front of her.

“No, that wont happen. I know it wont. We’re meant to be together, Bay.”

“First of all, lame. Since when do you believe in that kind of shit? Second of all? Sure, you two have all the chemistry and you’re obsessed with each other. That’s all good and great. But you don’t know where he leaves his socks when he takes them off or if he leaves the cap off of the toothpaste. What if he puts empty containers back in the fridge? Shuts off the light over the stove at night? I’m just saying, sure, everything is well and good the way things are, but you don’t know if you can live with this man.”

“Look,” Sophia laughed, shaking her head again. “I can deal with all of those things if I’m with him. I’ve wanted this for so long, Bailey and I’m _so_ happy I finally get to have it. I just want you to be happy for me. Can you do that?”

Bailey stared at her unblinking for longer than was comfortable for Sophia. She could tell that she was going over things in her head, working out exactly how she felt. She opened her mouth to speak but then shook her head and closed it again, looking down at her legs and then back up at Sophia. She braced herself for what was coming, she was expecting it.

But then, slowly, Bailey smiled and shook her head.

“Of course I can,” she leaned over and wrapped her arms around Sophia who instantly let out a sigh of relief and squeezed her best friend. “I know how much you love him, Sophie. It’s going to work out, you’ll make it work out,” she pulled back a little, her arms still around Sophia and smirked. “And if not, this time…I’m killing him.”

―

_It was the perfect day, early June, amazing weather. Sophia was cleaning the house with the music turned all the way up, singing along to whatever eighties song happened to come on next. She was expecting Zac for a quick one night visit any time now and the only thing she could do to keep herself from jumping out of her skin with her impatience was scrub the house, so that’s where she found herself._

_Another two years had gone by and, not without their share of problems, they’d somehow managed to keep their relationship in tact. She’d never asked him to take it any further, knew that he still felt like he had one foot stuck in the life he was handed but never really wanted with other was firmly planted with her in Atlanta. Bailey had told her numerous times over the years to force his hand, tell him it was his wife or her, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She was almost afraid that he’d choose to let her go and there was almost no thought worse to her. She preferred to keep their arrangement as it was, if it meant having him it was fine for her. She was aware of the connotation about herself that this gave off, she just didn’t really care. She’d rather live a million days in secret with him than one without him._

_She heard the beep of the rental cars doors locking before anything else and she tossed the dishrag she was using down on the counter and ran to the door, flinging it open. He was walking up the path to the porch, his head down, the sun shining on his shaggy hair. Sophia smiled bouncing up and down on her heels a little bit as he took the few steps up to the porch, her smile dropping a bit when he finally looked up at her._

_His eyes were puffy and red, his cheeks were ruddy, it was unmistakable that he had been crying. In the six years Sophia had known him she’d never seen him look this torn apart._

_“Zac,” she breathed, reaching for his hand and pulling him into the house. She shut the door behind them and turned to him. “What’s wrong, what happened?”_

_“Sophia.”_

_He said her name quietly, but she could hear it in his voice. He was going to tell her something that was going to ruin them. She knew it without him saying anything else, what it was didn’t really matter in that moment, she knew they wouldn’t come back from it. She shook her head slowly, backing up from him a couple of steps._

_“Sophia,” he said her name again, reaching a hand out for her. She shook her head again and felt her face crumble._

_“Whatever it is, don’t tell me,” her head was shaking all on it’s own accord now, and no matter how loudly she internally told it to stop it wouldn’t._

_“October,” he said quietly, looking at the floor. “She’s due in October.”_

_“October,” Sophia repeated. “You- you- how?”_

_He looked back up at her and she almost felt bad, almost wanted to run to him. The way his forehead was knotted, his eyes sad, there was nothing she wanted more than to wrap him up in her arms and kiss his troubles away, but she couldn’t._

_“Again?” She turned, walking to the couch and sinking down on it. “How did you let this happen again?”_

_She knew she didn’t have the right. She wasn’t his wife, she wasn’t really anything. She was just the girl in Atlanta who continued to let him betray his wife. This was her what she got._

_“Soph,” he sunk down on the couch next to her and looked at his knees. “I didn’t- it wasn’t supposed to happen. I can’t…there isn’t any excuse.”_

_“It’s fine,” Sophia looked at him, her face suddenly stone._

_“It’s not fine,” he shook his head looking up at her. “I’m just piling on obstacles for us, I’m just making it harder. I kept saying when the kids were a little older…and now-“_

_“Now theres another one coming.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“You know,” she laughed, but it didn’t sound happy to her ears. “I just assumed you weren’t…the two of you…”_

_“We weren’t.”_

_“But you did.”_

_“Soph, I swear to you it was once. We went to a party, we both drank a lot. She knew it was practically over, she knew I was biding my time.”_

_“Are you suggesting she did this on purpose?”_

_“No…yes? I don’t know, Soph,” he looked back down at his knees, one hand coming up to cover his eyes._

_“I can’t do this anymore,” she whispered. “I love you, but I can’t do this anymore.”_

_She stood to walk to her bedroom but he grasped her wrist, looking up at her._

_“What are you saying?”_

_“I’m saying that I can’t do this anymore,” she shrugged, looking down at him. She could feel the tears as they started falling, but she couldn’t feel much else._

_“Don’t do this,” he stood up, pulling her into him._

_“You did this,” she wiggled herself out of his arms and shook her head. “You did this, Zac.”_

―

“So, what do we need to do? How do we get you ready to Jetset off to your new life?”

Sophia and Bailey had been sitting on the couch drinking wine and reminiscing on all of the good times they’d had in the house for a few hours. Sophia could only speak for herself, but she was feeling a little bit tipsy and a lot emotional, everything she’d wanted was falling together for once instead of apart. The fact that it was finally happening for her and Zac was almost too much for her to process.

“Well,” Sophia looked around the room at all of the belongings she’d accumulated over her life. “I guess we should start packing.”

“Now?” Bailey raised an eyebrow.

“No,” Sophia laughed. “But…maybe tomorrow? I’ll have to get boxes. And you should start moving your stuff in. You should stay here with me until I leave.”

“Like a big sleepover,” Bailey grinned, leaning back on the couch and looking at Sophia.

“Exactly.”

“You’re not going to forget me, right? Fly off to Oklahoma and start a new life and make a new best friend? Work on a farm, or something.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sophia laughed again. “I’d never work on a farm.”

Bailey pushed Sophia gently, the two of them collapsing into giggles. A few seconds went by and Bailey wrapped Sophia up in her arms, breathing into her hair.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“Me too.”

“I really am happy for you, Sophie,” Bailey’s voice was soft and Sophia could tell she was holding back tears. “I know I’ve been hard on you about this - him - but I love you so much, I know what he means to you.”

“Everything,” Sophia nodded against Bailey’s shoulder. “He means everything.”


	7. Me & You, We Were Made to Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics from Perfectly Wrong by Shawn Mendes

_Me and you, we were made to break  
I know that's true, but it's much too late  
You're perfectly wrong for me  
And that's why it's so hard to leave  
Yeah, you're perfectly wrong for me  
You're perfectly wrong for me  
All the stars in the sky could see  
Why you're perfectly wrong for me  
_

Zac  
Day Ten

There were days when Zac thought his life was harder than it needed to be. For reasons completely under his own control and ones out of it. On this particular Tuesday, he’d started the day unaware that he was about to be wrapped up in the most difficult days of his life. 

It was a shame, he knew, considering that the past ten days had been easily some of the most carefree and happy days he’d remembered having in a long time. He was finally fixing the mess he’d spent over a decade making out of his life, he was about to start the rest of it with the person who he was positive was put on this earth to complete him. For all intents and purposes, right then, Zac Hanson’s life was just short of perfect. The only thing he needed to add that last touch to it was to have Sophia there with him, in Oklahoma where she was supposed to be. 

The first sign that his day wasn’t going to go according to plan should have been the two hour delay of his and the kids flights back to Atlanta. 

Kate had agreed to let Zac take their oldest three kids back to Tulsa for the five days he was going to be away and they’d spent the whole time doing nothing but spending every precious moment as the new little family unit they were. Things weren’t totally complete without Lucy there, but with her broken leg and how young she still was, it hadn’t taken much for Zac to agree with Kate that maybe she should sit this one out. Next time, he’d take her for a few days and they’d spend some much missed time together.

Attempting to have three kids, all aged ten and under sit quietly and calmly in an overcrowded airport for two more hours than they should have was no easy feat. Despite how used to travelling all of the Hanson kids were, they were still just kids afterall, and when the boarding call for the flight to Atlanta finally came, Zac felt himself let out a sigh of relief. 

The two hour flight went by without a hitch, until they made it to baggage claim and one of their bags appeared to not have come to the great state of Georgia with them. Zac could feel annoyance slowly bubbling up inside of him, but he refused to let it consume him. In less than an hour he’d be at Sophia’s house, spending their last night together there before they’d embark on the first day of their life together. Zac chuckled to himself at the thought that they’d been waiting for this for what felt like a decade, because it was the truth. Eleven, going on twelve, years they’d been holding on to hope that sometimes felt ridiculously misguided that someday they’d have this, and they were finally going to. 

When the Uber pulled up to Kate’s parents house, Zac was slightly surprised to see her sitting on the porch in an old rocking chair, a book propped up on her legs. When she saw them, she stretched her legs out and placed the book down on the small table in between the rocking chairs and stood up. She walked slowly to the pathway to the sidewalk and crouched down, opening her arms for their kids to throw themselves into. Zac grabbed the kids bag and walked up the path, stopping a couple of feet away from Kate. 

“Hey,” she said quietly, standing up.

“Hey.”

“Kids, why don’t you go inside and see what treats Grandma is whipping up for you in there? I smelled something yummy baking earlier,” Kate smiled at the kids before turning back to Zac. “Say bye to Daddy first.”

The kids hugged and kissed Zac, telling him that they’d miss him. He wasn’t really sure, but he thought that the feeling of having a part of your body ripped away from you every time you had to leave your kids behind would never go away, or even dull. It wasn’t really a thought he wanted to spend too much time dwelling on. There wasn’t much he could do about it, this would be his life now.

“Can we talk?” Kate motioned towards the porch, smiling at Zac hopefully.

“What do we have to talk about?” His words weren’t malicious or angry, he just wasn’t sure what there could possibly be left between them. 

“It’s...kind of important,” Kate frowned slightly, motioning again towards the chairs. “Please?”

“Yeah,” Zac sighed, hoisting the kids bag back onto his shoulder. “Of course.”

They walked to the porch and settled into the rocking chairs. They’d sat in these chairs, in this exact spot, so many times over all of the years they’d spent together, but this time the space in between them was heavy and full of words they’d never said and probaby never would. Zac sighed again, raking his fingers through his hair. _Probably should have washed that,_ he thought to himself. He never realized how time consuming being a single parent would be. 

“So,” Kate spoke softly, looking down at the wooden slats of the porch as if she were trying to see something in them. “I don’t know how to beat around the bush about this and I'm not sure that I want to even if I could find a way,” she finally looked up at Zac, her face almost blank. “I’m pregnant.”

Suddenly everything inside of Zac’s head was loud. It was as if waves were crashing around inside of his head, mixed with television static, each sound fighting the other to be the loudest thing he heard. He closed his eyes for a second before opening them again and turning to look at Kate.

“You’re what?”

“Pregnant,” Kate repeated, raising an eyebrow. Her expression told him that she was wondering if there was something wrong with him. He guessed that there was now.

“I didn’t realize you were seeing anyone,” Zac leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees.

“You’re kidding,” Kate scoffed.

“We haven’t...not in months,” Zac shook his head. “It’s not possible.”

“I’m almost sixteen weeks,” Kate sighed. “With everything that’s been going on, I guess I wasn’t paying attention to myself. I didn’t think anything was off until I woke up one day and noticed this.”

She stood up slowly, pulling open the loose cardigan she was wearing to reveal the small baby bump she was carrying.

“Jesus Christ,” Zac groaned, dropping his head into his hands and rubbing his eyes. “What the fuck, Kate?”

“I didn’t do this on my own,” she sighed. “I'm not any happier about it than you appear to be.”

“Maybe if you were paying attention you could have caught this sooner and we could have done something abo-”

“Are you suggesting that if I had found out sooner we could have aborted this baby?”

“No, I-” Zac sighed, lifting his head up quickly and raising his eyebrows. “You know what, yes! Yes I am!”

“Are you out of your mind?” Kate hissed, her eyes narrowing. “Of all of the screwed up things you've said and done over the past fifteen years, that has to be-”

“No!” Zac stood up, holding his hand out. “No, the most screwed up thing is this, here,” he waved between them. “We’re finally getting out of our miserable marriage and now we have a whole new problem.”

Kate’s hand went to her stomach and she spoke through clenched teeth.

“This is our _child_.”

“We shouldn't be having a child,” Zac sighed, lowering his voice. “We’ve had four children, and none of them have made us happy as a couple. We’ve been miserable longer than we’ve been happy. We finally had a chance to not spend the rest of our lives in misery, Kate.”

“I’m not suggesting we cancel the divorce and try again,” Kate shook her head, her face relaxing. “I know you were never happy with me, I haven't pretended to think you could ever actually _be_ happy with me. But, what I do know is that we now have another child to think about.”

“How am I going to explain this to Sophia?” Zac mumbled, only aware he’d actually said the words outloud when he heard Kate take in a breath. He looked back up at her, her face twisted.

“Sophia,” she said quietly, nodding. “I should have known that the second the papers were filed you’d run right back to her. I'm a little surprised she took you back, if I'm honest.”

“Don’t,” Zac sighed, shaking his head and sitting back down slowly. “Don’t talk about her, you don’t have the right.”

“I don’t?” Kate nodded again. “She’s been the other woman through almost our entire marriage. I think I have the right.”

“We should never have gotten married in the first place,” Zac sighed again. “I'm not trying to hurt you, Kate, we both know it’s the truth. This was never right.”

Kate sighed, lowering herself into the chair beside Zac’s. “I know,” she said quietly. “She’s really _the one_ , isn’t she? She always has been.”

“She is,” Zac looked over at Kate, his forehead knotted. She shook his head, frowning. “It’s not you, it’s not your fault,” Zac reached over and squeezed Kate’s shoulder a little bit. “I’ll always do right by you and the kids, but she’s...” he shook his head, letting out a breath. “She's the love of my life, Kate...and she's never going to forgive me for this.”

“Hey,” Kate said quietly, lifting her hand and placing it over Zac’s. “If she’s really the love of your life, you’ll work it out.”

“How are you so strong?” Zac laughed quietly, looking over at her again. “No matter what I put you through, you always get through it without so much as a bruise.”

“That’s not true,” Kate smiled softly, shrugging. “I tried for a long time to be what you needed, so that you could be happy. There’s a lot of scars here,” he waved her hand between them. “But, more important than all that is that I care about you, you’ve been the closest thing to me for the better part of my life. I want you to be happy, Zac. Even if that's with her.”

“I know,” Zac nodded, squeezing her shoulder again before pulling his hand away. “I want that for you, too.”

—

_The night that Zac had told Sophia that Kate was pregnant with their third child felt a little bit like experiencing a death happening in front of you and not being able to do anything to stop it._

_He knew before he’d shown up on her doorstep that what they had was going to be over, there was no mistake about it. She’d brushed aside the fact that he was continuing to be married to someone else for the wrong reasons for a long time, she’d gotten over two children conceived while they weren’t together, but he knew she wouldn’t be able to get past this one._

_Zac loved his kids, he really did. It wasn’t that he didn’t love them, or he didn’t want them. It was just that every time, this one was supposed to be the last one. He’d known from the moment him and Kate had exchanged I Do’s that it was the biggest mistake either of them could have made. Adding kids on to that wasn’t, and couldn’t, be a good decision. And now they would have three._

_They’d barely touched in three years the night that the baby was conceived. Too many cocktails at a party had lead them straight into making the wrong decision. A little bit of lonliness combined with being a bit of a hormone driven male in general, topped with alcohol and mindlessness had succeeded in the foolishness of Zac and Kate falling into bed together, and four weeks later the results of that stared them in the face as Zac sat on the edge of the bathub, Kate perched on the closed toilet, a pregnancy test sitting on the tile floor between them._

_Neither of them were nieve enough to think that another baby would change anything for them. If the last two hadn’t done the job, there was no hope for it at this point. The disapointment in Kate’s eyes when Zac just shook his head and walked out of the bathroom after the test declared what they knew it would didn’t come close to comparing to the look of utter heartbreak on Sophia’s face when she told him that she couldn’t do it anymore._

_He loved Kate. He was sure he did. He loved her as the mother of his children, the woman who’d been by his side through some of the most difficult years of his life. She was like his best friend who accidentally became his wife, and he loved her for every thing she did for him and for their family. But, Sophia? Sophia was his soulmate. He could imagine his life without Kate next to him, it would be different and it would take some adjusting, but the thought of getting through life without Sophia was like a kick to the gut. It was like thinking about playing the drums with no arms, singing with no vocal chords. She was a part of him, and an important one. He needed her in a way he’d never needed anyone. He’d never been able to shake the feeling that they were destined for one another and they’d just happened to find each other at the wrong time._

_He kept trying to edge them to the right time, and every time he thought he could see the light at the end of the tunnel, there would be another reason to keep them apart. Always at his own hand._

_Watching her face crumble, hearing her tell him that she couldn’t do it with him anymore, was like being hit by a semi. Feeling the hurt reverberating off of her and knowing it was caused by his actions was enough to shatter his heart._

_He’d watched as she walked into her bedroom and shut the door behind her, unable to move from his spot on the couch. Every part of him was screaming at him to go in there, explain to her that it was a mistake, that he loved her and they were going to fix this, make it all work, be happy the way that they deserved. But, he couldn’t. He wasn't sure that he could fix it, he was almost more sure that he couldn’t, and he didn’t know how they could ever return from this._

_He sat in that spot for over an hour, staring at the closed bedroom door, thinking about all the words he wanted to say to her and knowing that none of them were enough. He’d half expected her to eventually come back out, maybe tell him to leave, but she never did. When the silence started to be too loud, Zac finally stood from the couch and slipped his shoes off, quietly walking to Sophia’s bedroom door. He pressed his ear to the wood of the door, listening for any sign that she was awake, but there was no sound coming from the other side. Zac took a breath and turned the knob, pushing the door open. Sophia was laying on her side, facing the other wall, completely still. He wasn’t sure if she was awake or asleep, but she had the blanket pulled up to her neck, just her hair visible to him._

_He slowly walked around the other side of the bed and sat down on the edge, looking down at her. Her eyes were closed and her face was a little bit red. He gently brushed her hair from her face and frowned when he could feel that her cheeks were a little damp from her crying._

_“What’re you doing?” she whispered, her eyes slowly opening and looking up at him._

_“I’m sorry,” he whispered, shrugging slightly._

_“No,” she shook her head slowly._

_“I am.”_

_“I’m sure,” she whispered, frowning. “But, that doesn't change anything.”_

_“I still lo-”_

_“I know,” she spoke a little louder. “Just not enough.”_

_“Soph-”_

_“It’s okay, Zac,” she frowned again, closing her eyes. “She’s your wife.”_

_“I guess I should go,” he hadn’t thought about the possibility that she'd want him gone when he’d come there. It dawned on him then that he might have taken their connection for granted. He never really considered the possibility that she’d get tired of their situation._

_“Where’re you gonna go?” She spoke slowly. “You can stay.”_

_“You want me to stay?”_

_“You can stay,” she repeated. “But in the morning you have to leave, and I don't want you to come back.”_

—

The Uber driver who showed up at Kate’s to drive Zac to Sophia’s was probably better suited to driving for NASCAR, and that said a lot coming from Zac, who viewed speed limits and traffic laws more as suggestions than demands. By the time they'd made it the short distance to Sophia’s, Zac’s knuckles were white from clenching the edge of the backseat and he couldn’t jump out of the car fast enough. _That certainly wasn’t a five star trip,_ he thought to himself as he shut the car door behind him. He guessed it was fitting, the horror ride over, considering he was about to tell Sophia something, not for the first time in their relationship, that would likely rip her apart.

Zac made his way up the path and to the door of Sophia’s house, knocking a few times before pushing the door open to find Sophia and Bailey sat in the middle of the living room floor, surrounded by half packed boxes, what looked like hundreds of photographs spread out on the floor between them. They were laughing and Sophia looked so happy that Zac couldn’t quite decide if the twist he felt on his heart was a good one or a bad one. They both looked up when he swung the door shut behind him and Sophia jumped to her feet, a picture in her hand.

“Look at this picture I found going through a box,” she laughed, walking over to him and holding the picture out. 

It was a photo of the two of them laying on their backs on Sophia’s bed, their heads pressed together. Sophia was laughing, her eyes closed, Zac’s mouth open, pretending to bite Sophia’s cheek. Zac could remember holding the digital camera out over their heads and taking the picture. It was so long ago, but he could picture every thing they’d done that day as if it were yesterday.

“Do you like it?” Sophia laughed. “I figured we could hang it on our fridge.”

“Our fridge,” Bailey pushed herself off the floor and grinned, walking over to them. “How cute. Zachary,” she winked, walking into the kitchen and grabbing her bag off the counter.

“Hey, Bailey,” Zac smiled the best he could before looking back at Sophia. “I love it. This is the first picture we took together.”

“You remember?” Sophia beamed up at him.

“Course I do.”

“I'm gonna run my errands,” Bailey walked to the door. “I’ll be back in time to help you guys pack up the UHaul. What time are you picking it up again?”

“4 o’clock,” Sophia smiled. “Don’t be late!”

“Don’t worry,” Bailey laughed. “See you guys soon.”

They watched Bailey let herself out and then Sophia turned back to Zac, wrapping her arms around his neck. Her smile was so wide and she looked so happy that Zac almost considered not telling her about Kate at all. He knew instantly that he couldn’t lie to her, though. 

“Are you excited?” Sophia asked, leaning up and kissing him quickly before grabbing his hand and pulling him into the living room. “Help me put all these photos back into the box.”

“I will, but first I need to talk to you about something,” Zac said, pulling her hand gently and leading her towards the couch. 

“Is something wrong?”

“Kind of,” Zac frowned, sitting down and patting the cushion next to him lightly. Sophia sat down next to him and looked at him, her eyebrows drawn together. 

“What happened? Is it one of the kids?”

“Well,” Zac frowned again and closed his eyes for a second before opening them and grabbing onto Sophia’s hands lightly. “I don’t...” Zac looked up at the ceiling and let out a breath, willing himself to calm down. “I’m really hoping that this isn’t going to change anything. We’ve been waiting so long for this- Soph, I...if you decide not to be with me now, after everything, I don't know what-”

“What happened, Zac? Just tell me,” Sophia squeezed his hands. “Just say it. Whatever it is, it’s not going to change anything.”

“Three and a half months ago,” Zac let out another breath, looking down at their hands. “We...Kate and I, we went to a wedding. The kids were with my parents and- well, Kate was in the wedding and it was in Nashville. We, um. We had a hotel room and we drank too much-”

“Zac,” Sophia’s voice was hesitant and she pulled her hands out of his gently. “Don’t.”

“She didn’t- I just found out. She just told me, when I dropped the kids off. She didn’t know until the other day. She just wasn’t paying attention to the signs or...or whatever. She's sixtee-”

“This can’t be happening,” Sophia whispered, standing from the couch and walking across the room before stopping and walking back. “You have got to be fucking kidding me, Zac.”

“I wish I were kidding. I don't know how this happened, we hadn’t even been sleeping in the same bed at home, I-”

“I know how it happened!” Sophia snapped. “The same way it happened every other time!”

“Soph-”

“No! God damn it, Zac!” Sophia covered her face with her hands and groaned. She turned her head up to the ceiling and then brought it back down, sliding her hands off of it. “How did you get me in this situation again? How? God, I really thought it was going to be different this time, I should have known.”

“Soph, it is different this time, she’s...we’re not-”

“It’s not! I can't just move to Oklahoma with you now! Not with _your wife_ being pregnant!”

“She’s not...Soph, the divorce is still happening. We're not...she knows that it's over, she knows that I’m with you. It’s different this time.”

“She knows?” Sophia repeated.

“Yes,” Zac stood from the couch and walked over to Sophia, taking her hands in his again. “She knows, and she wants us to make it work. She thinks you’re my-” Zac shook his head. “She agrees that you and I...we’re supposed to be together.”

Sophia looked at him, blinking every few seconds. She slowly and gently pulled her hands from his again and brushed her hair back, shaking her head.

“I have to think about this,” she said slowly. “I...you say it doesn't change anything, but, doesn’t it?”

“I don’t see why it would, nothing on our end is changing and on her end, she's accepted that we’re over. She filed for the divorce, Soph. There’s nothing left to figure out.”

“Five kids, Zac,” Sophia breathed, closing her eyes for a few seconds. “Five kids.”

“It’s only one more than four?” Zac tried to joke, but it fell flat. He shook his head and sighed. “I know it’s a lot, but every thing else is falling into place. We can finally have everything we’ve wanted.”

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want four kids? Did it occur to you that I was compromising myself to be with you? And now there are five?”

It hadn’t occurred to him. His kids were such an integral part of him that he had never stopped to think that there was a possibility that they were a problem on Sophia’s end. All at once Zac realized that maybe he hadn't been completely fair to Sophia. He hadn’t realized how much she was giving, had been giving for years, just to be with him. 

“No,” Zac sighed. “I never thought about that. Apparently I never thought about a lot of things.”

“I think that’s obvious,” Sophia sighed, walking back to the couch and sitting down next to Zac. She shook her head and looked at him. “I need you to call UHaul and tell them we need to delay the truck.”

“Delay?”

“For now,” Sophia frowned, shrugging. “I need to think about this, and I need to do it without you here.”

“Soph-”

“Zac, don’t. Just don’t say anything else, okay?” Sophia sighed again. “I love you, but there is so much in between us, and every time I think I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, you throw something at me to fuck everything up. It’s like I live my whole life thinking about you and us and what’s going to make _us_ better, and you spend your whole life not only not thinking about me and us, but doing everything in your power to make this harder.”

Zac shook his head and frowned, looking down at his knees. She was only partially right, he spent almost all of his life thinking about her and them, but he knew that he'd caused her more pain over their time together than any one person should have to hold on to. He looked back up at her and reached for her, putting his hand on her hip.

“I'm sorry, Soph.”

“You say sorry more than any one person should,” Sophia shrugged, moving his hand off of her. “I...I think I need you to leave, and I need to think about this alone.”

“Where am I supposed to go?”

“Get yourself a hotel room, I don't think you’re lacking on funds,” Sophia shrugged. “You can come back tomorrow. I really just need to not be looking at you right now.”

Zac nodded slowly and then stood up. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Sophia's forehead, his eyes falling shut. It hit him hard that he wasn't sure he could withstand all of the changes in his life without her. He pulled himself back into a standing position and walked to the door, pulling it open. He turned to see her watching him and he smiled softly.

“Please don’t change your mind,” he shrugged. “I can't do this without you.”

—

_Putting together furniture had never exactly been in Zac's wheelhouse. Despite calls to Taylor and Isaac - who was really the surprise handyman in the family - he found himself crouched down on the floor of what would be the baby’s bedroom, pieces of crib all around him. He was staring down at the light wood pieces when Kate walked into the room, standing in front of him and looking down at him._

_“Can you believe these directions are in six languages, but English isn't one of them?” He picked the instruction booklet up and stood up, waving it in between them._

_“Do you have anything to tell me?” Kate’s voice was soft, but her eyes held something in them that Zac couldn’t place._

_“Just that I'm about to toss every piece of this crib into the yard and start a bonfire?” Zac shrugged, tossing the instructions back on the floor and straightening out his pants. “I need a drink.”_

_“Zac,” Kate stepped in front of him, holding her hand up. His eyes fell on his phone and then moved back up to her face. “Who's Sophia?”_

_“Why were you going through my phone?” He reached for the phone, but she pulled it back, turning the screen on and looking down at it. Without looking up at him she started speaking, her voice falling somewhere between monotone and angry._

_“Can't wait to see you, feels like it's been years. Soon we’ll be in that nice warm bed of yours. I’ve never missed anything the way I miss you. Three days, are you ready? I love you.”_

_Her voice cracked on the last words and she looked up at Zac, pain overtaking her face. She tossed the phone to him, him barely catching it before it fell to the floor._

_“Who’s Sophia, Zac?”_

_“Why were you going through my phone?” He asked again, his voice low._

_“I wasn't,” Kate tilted her head to the side. “It went off and I grabbed it off the counter, I thought it was mine. She texted to see how you've been, sounds like you haven't been talking much.”_

_Zac shook his head, not sure what to say to her. It's not as if he could deny it, and even if he could, he wasn't sure he'd want to. Kate didn't deserve to be lied to, she didn't deserve any of this, and Sophia didn't deserve to be lied about._

_“You’re just not going to say anything?” Kate shrugged. “I don't even warrant an explanation?”_

_“Kate,” Zac sighed. “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to deny it?”_

_“No,” Kate shook her head. “I think you've lied to me enough.”_

_“So, what do you want from me, then?”_

_“The truth. Who is she? How long has this been going on?”_

_Zac shook his head, running a hand through his hair._

_“I don't think you want the answer to that.”_

_“How long, Zac?”_

_“Six years,” he looked at the floor between them, the words heavy in his mouth._

_“Six...what?” When he looked back up at her, the look on her face broke his heart. Hurting Kate was never a part of his plan. He knew that one day, if and when she found out about Sophia, of course it would hurt her, but he hated himself for it. It wasn’t her fault that he couldn't make himself love her the way he was supposed to. It wasn't her fault that he'd found that somewhere else. “So this is...what? An actual affair? You’ve been having an affair for_ six _years?”_

_“I don't know what to say, Kate,” Zac shook his head. “I never wanted to hurt you.”_

_“Well, you've failed there.”_

_“It's not a secret that this hasn’t been right in a long- maybe ever. Are you really happy, Kate? With me? Neither of us are happy, we've just been ignoring it.”_

_“I'm not happy, but I'm not out having affairs, either,” Kate shook her head. “How have you kept this a secret for so long? Why not just leave me? How many kids were we going to involve in this?”_

_“I didn't mean-” Zac sighed. “None of this was planned, none of it. The kids, Sophia, none of it.”_

_“Well, that makes me feel better. You don’t want our kids and you didn't intend to sleep with someone else for over half a decade. Every thing is fine now.”_

_“I didn't say that!” Zac huffed. “I love those kids just as much as you do, and you know it.”_

_Kate nodded, slightly deflating, “I know.” She said quietly. “And I know you've never loved me the way you should. I expected this, I knew you’d find someone else someday, I just didn't know it would be now.”_

_“If it's any consolation, it's over between us,” Zac shrugged._

_“How sad for you,” Kate scoffed and then shook her head. “Maybe we should...I know we've been dancing around it and every time it seems like one of us gets the nerve to talk about how maybe this relationship has run it's course, we’re blessed with another baby, but maybe it’s time, Zac.”_

_“What are you saying?”_

_“I’m saying that maybe it's time to talk about going our separate ways...maybe it's time we talked about getting a divorce.”_

_Zac didn't expect the way the words made his stomach hurt. He didn't expect to feel that squeezing feeling around his heart or for his mouth to go dry. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the prospect of things officially ending with Kate. But, he did know that somehow he'd found himself in a place where everyone he'd loved and relied on had decided all at once to give up on him._

—

Zac had gone to the same hotel he stayed at every time he was in Atlanta. He'd thought that the familiarity would make him feel better, but all it proved to do was make him feel worse. He'd somehow been cursed with the worst luck in the world when he was given the same room that he'd stayed in with Sophia, and he swore he could see her in every corner of that room. He'd called her twice throughout the night, but he wasn't surprised when she didn't answer. She'd asked for time, and he couldn't even give that to her. He guessed he'd never been very good at giving her what she needed. 

He spent most of the night awake, staring at the ceiling, reading old texts on his phone of them planning out their new life together. When sleep finally came, it felt like only minutes went by before his alarm was going off. 

He dressed and called an Uber, walking down to the lobby of the hotel and stopping at the small Starbucks that was set up there. He bought a few bagels and a coffee for Sophia and Bailey and made his way outside just as his Uber pulled up to the curb. 

The ride to Sophia's house was short, and he found himself standing on the porch for more time than necessary once he arrived. Just as he lifted his hand to knock, the door swung open.

“Jesus Christ,” Bailey muttered. “You almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Sorry,” Zac said sheepishly. 

“I was just going to run out for coffee, we're out. Sophia isn't here.”

“I brought coffee,” he held up the tray with the two coffees on it. “I didn't know how you took yours, I just got it the same as hers.”

“She's not here,” Bailey repeated, taking the tray from him and placing it on the small table by the door. 

"Where is she?”

“Not here,” Bailey shrugged and looked inside the house quickly before looking back at Zac. 

“I know she's here, Bailey.”

Bailey sighed and stepped fully onto the porch, pulling the door closed. She looked up at him for a second before shaking her head.

“She doesn't want to see you right now, and I think it'd be wise of you to respect that.”

“We're supposed to be leaving to start a 12 hour drive in a few hours,” Zac shook his head. “I think it's important that we figure this out.”

“Yeah, well. You fucked that up, didn't you?” Bailey rolled her eyes and Zac could tell she was losing her patience. He was honestly surprised it had taken her this long. “You know, I was rooting for you this time. She was so happy. I should have known it wouldn't take you too long to ruin it.”

“It was a mistake, Bai-”

“It's always a mistake or an accident with you. Do you ever think before you do anything?”

Zac opened his mouth to defend himself but the front door opened slowly, causing them both to look towards it. Sophia was standing there in her pajamas, her hair sleep tousled, her eyes and face puffy.

“Soph,” he whispered, taking a step towards the door, but she held her hand out, shaking her head.

“You should go, Zac,” she whispered. 

“Sophia, we have to talk, everything is all set, we're supposed to be leaving for Tulsa soon. All your stuff is packed, we can't just-”

“I'm not coming, Zac,” she shook her head, her eyes not quite meeting his. Bailey walked into the house and put her arm around Sophia's shoulders, frowning at Zac. “I'm not coming and you should go. Go back to Tulsa...without me.”

Sophia shut the door, leaving Zac standing on her porch. He walked towards the door and rested his forehead on it, sighing. He thought about lifting his arm and knocking again, but decided against it. He'd almost had it, every thing he'd ever wanted with the person that he'd wanted it with, and in short time it was taken away from him. 

Maybe they weren't supposed to be together. Maybe these things kept happening because the universe was trying to tell them that Sophia deserved better. More than him. Maybe it was really over this time.   



	8. Take This Love Before You Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics and title from Is It Over by Kris Allen

_This time you say it's for good_   
_You've played kind_   
_For as long as you could_   
_With your head in your hands_   
_And your tears on my chest_   
_I think to myself,_   
_I'm not giving up yet_   
_And I say,_   
_Is it over?_   
_Or can I turn you around_   
_If I crawl on my knees_   
_To rewrite our story tonight_   
_Would you care or are you already gone?_

Sophia  
Day Eleven

Sophia wondered if there was a point where your eyeballs would physically run out of tears, and if so, why was it taking so long for it to happen for her?

She hadn’t slept a wink the night before and she’d spent the entire day rotating between red hot anger and the inability to stop crying. There was a fogginess to her eyes that she couldn't shake no matter how hard she rubbed them and her head had been throbbing for hours.

She’d really believed that this time, they’d make it. If someone had asked her a short 24 hours ago if there was anyway that she wouldn’t be in Tulsa right now, building her new life with the man of her dreams, she’d have laughed in their face. But, there she was, lying on her back in her bed, her best friend snoring next to her, at 5:30 in the morning, wondering what it was exactly that she had done in life to deserve all of this pain.

She knew. If she really allowed her mind to open up to exactly everything she had done, she’d nearly drown in it. She’d been sleeping with someone else's husband for more years than she’d like to count, allowing him to come in and out of her life nearly any time he pleased without so much as a thought about the effect it would have on anyone but herself.

She felt Bailey shifting next to her and she quickly closed her eyes, pulling the comforter further up on her chest. A few seconds went by and then she felt Bailey shift again, her voice a whisper.

“I know you’re not asleep. I can practically hear the wheels turning in your head from here.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m definitely sleeping.”

Bailey snorted, leaning over and turning on the lamp on the nightstand. She laid back down on her side and scooted closer to Sophia, propping her head up on her hand.

“It’s okay to be upset,” Bailey smiled softly. “It’s even okay to be totally pissed off right now. But, you need to do some serious thinking, Sophie. You love this man, and he has done so much fucking up over your years together. Is this really the line? Is this where it ends?”

“I think so,” Sophia frowned and nodded a little. “I don’t know if I can go through this again.”

“Look, you know I'm not Zac’s biggest fan...in fact, if you gave me permission, I’d kick him right in the dick,” Bailey shrugged and Sophia chuckled. “But, it happened before you guys got back together, you hadn’t spoken in three years. They’re getting divorced, she’s not even living in the same state as him right now. You need to think about living the rest of your life without him and whether or not you can do that. If you end it this time, it should be the last time.”

“I know,” Sophia said quietly.

“So? Do you? Do you think you can withstand the rest of your life without him? Without talking to him, seeing him?”

“I don’t know Bay,” Sophia shrugged. “I don’t know, but I don’t know if I can go the rest of my life with all of this either. What if I move down there and he realizes that I’m not what he thought I was? What if he realizes that she is right for him? I’m changing my whole life for him and as far as I can tell, he hasn't changed anything.”

“I don’t think that’s fair,” Bailey raised an eyebrow. “He’s divorcing his wife and the first person he came to was you-”

“Since when are you the president of the Zac Hanson Defenders?”

“I’m not,” Bailey laughed. “But, I am the president of the Sophia Hill fan club, and I want you to be happy. Not just today, or tomorrow. I want you to be happy for the rest of your life, and Sophie? I honestly think that he’s the guy for you. I wont admit this in the morning, hell, I wont even admit it in ten minutes...but, you two have clawed your way through all of it to be together all of these years...there’s a reason for that.”

“How lame of-”

“Shut up,” Bailey nudged Sophia and then rolled over and turned the lamp off. “I'm just being honest with you. If you’re not going to be with him, I’m fine with that too. But, you need to make the right decision. You should talk to him today.”

“Maybe,” Sophia shrugged, pulling the blanket closer to her.

“Get some sleep, Sophie,” Bailey whispered, running her fingers through Sophia’s hair.

Sophia nodded and shut her eyes, allowing Bailey’s stroking her hair to lull her into a sense of contentment for the first time in a while.

—

_September came slowly, Sophia barely holding herself together over the months since she’d turned Zac away. She had been fighting a daily battle inside of herself between her want to talk to him and her need to keep herself away from him. They’d texted a few times, Sophia asking how things were in his life. He’d tried, a few times, to get Sophia to open up to the idea of them working out their differences, being together again, but she’d shut him down every single time. She couldn’t be the other woman forever, six years of it was probably enough to kill her at this point, and no matter how much it hurt, she had to reconcile herself with the fact that she was going to have to stop communicating with him all together at some point. Keeping him dangling on a small thread in her life through meaningless conversation here and there was almost worse than if he’d just been gone completely. Sophia never realized how hard it would be to not tell someone that you loved that you loved them until she had to work to force herself not to do it._

_The day it happened was not a particularly special day. Sophia had been sitting on the couch, her laptop pulled into her lap, scrolling through her options for going back to school, something she’d been wanting to do for years but had been putting off for no real reason. She was jotting down notes when her phone started ringing from the coffee table in front of her._

_She placed the notebook and pen she was using down on the table and pushed her laptop off of her lap and onto the couch, picking her phone up, her throat going dry at the name on the screen._

_Up until then, she hadn’t gotten an actual phone call from Zac since she’d asked him to leave unless he’d been drinking. Those were few and far between, but she hadn’t gotten one in a couple of months, and certainly not at 11:30 in the morning. Just as she was about to answer the call, the phone stopped ringing. She closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath, holding her finger down on his name and pressing the phone to her ear._

_It barely rang once before the call was answered, but the voice that floated into her ear wasn’t the one she was expecting. It was soft and feminine and she knew without asking exactly who it belonged to._

_“Sophia?” The voice asked after a few too many moments of silence. “I know this is strange, and I’m sorry, but um...I'm sure you know who I am, I-”_

_“I do,” Sophia said quietly. “But, how do you...I...”_

_“I saw your texts...on his phone. I wasn’t snooping, the phone went off and I grabbed it,” Sophia let out a breath, then couldn’t help but wonder why it was that Kate was explaining anything to her. Shouldn’t that be happening the other way around? Neither of them said anything for a a little while and then Sophia heard Kate clear her throat and the phone shift. “He doesn’t know that I’m calling you. He’s in the shower, I just...I had to know who you were, I had to...I don’t know. I don’t know why I called.”_

_Sophia couldn’t seem to make her mouth make words. She nodded, knowing that Kate couldn’t see her. A few seconds later Kate broke their silence again._

_“Do you love him?”_

_Sophia closed her eyes and leaned back on the couch. Of all of the conversations in the world, this was probably the last one she ever wanted to have. When she could think of Kate as an abstract being, things were easier. Now, here she was, her quiet, reserved voice speaking into her ear._

_“Do you?” She asked again. There was no malice in her voice and it only took Sophia those few short seconds to realize that Kate Hanson was twice the woman she could ever hope to be._

_“Yes,” she said quietly, bringing a hand up to her face and pinching the bridge of her nose. “I do.”_

_They were both quiet then, two women who loved the same man, but only one of them who had the right to. Sophia opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, Kate spoke._

_“This is going to sound weird,” her voice was still low and composed. “If you’re-” she paused and Sophia heard her let out a breath. “If you’re where he’s supposed to be, then that’s where he should be.”_

_“What?” Sophia breathed, dropping her hand into her lap._

_“I’m not saying that I want to give him up, but I will. I will if you’re what makes him truly happy. Why would I want to keep him locked into a life that doesn’t fulfill him?”_

_“I don’t understand,” Sophia’s head was shaking slowly, Kate’s words swirling around in her head._

_“What’s not to understand? I love him. I’ve spent most of my life loving him, and I want him to be happy, really happy. If that’s you, then that’s something I need to deal with. Is it you, Sophia?”_

_“No,” Sophia said quietly. “It has to be you.”_

_“But, it’s not, is it?”_

_“It should be.”_

_“You’re right,” Kate laughed softly, but it didn’t sound particularly happy. “It should be, but I don’t think it is. I guess what I'm trying to say, Sophia, is that if you are the great love of my husbands life, then I’ll let him go. I’d rather let him go and let him be happy with who he’s supposed to be happy with than know for the rest of my life that there is someone else. So, are you? Do you plan to continue to be with him?”_

_“No,” Sophia choked out. When she touched her face she was surprised to find that it was wet with tears. She hadn’t realized that she'd started crying._

_“No?” Kate repeated. Her words were strong, but her voice was soft, and Sophia couldn’t help but feel like she was speaking to a genuinely good person. A good person who she’d spent six years helping someone else betray. “Is it over? He said it was over, but...but he said it had been over before, too, that the two of you had tried. You’d tried to stay apart, but you just couldn’t. As if there was some invisible force connecting you. I’m sure you know all about Zac’s belief in all-”_

_“I do, I do know. It’s over, Kate. It’s over...for real this time.”_

_“Thank God,” Kate laughed softly again. “I’ll let him go if that’s the right thing, but God, I don’t want to.”_

_“Me either,” Sophia whispered. “But I am.”_

—

Sophia had spent the entire day in bed, mostly asleep, sometimes just lying there going over everything she'd lost in her head. It wasn’t just Zac. It was her dignity, respect...for herself and for him. Night was falling, Sophia could tell that from the bedroom windows, but she had no intention of leaving that bed until it was daylight again and she could wash away everything that had happened. One more night of wallowing in her own self pity, and then she’d pull herself together and learn how to live without him.

There was a light knock at the door and when Sophia turned she could see Bailey by the light of the living room. She was holding a steaming mug and walking towards the bed. She sat down gently on the side of it and patted Sophia’s arm.

“Made you some coffee,” she held the cup out, waiting for Sophia to push herself into a sitting position. “I figured this was the best way to try to get some nutrients into you if you were going to refuse to eat.”

“Thanks,” Sophia smiled softly and took the cup, bringing it up to her lips. The steam rising off of it was hot against her face and she closed her eyes, blowing lightly into the cup.

“Zac’s here,” Sophia’s eyes snapped open and up to Bailey at her words. She slowly lowered the cup, resting it on her knees.

“What?”

“He’s here,” Bailey motioned towards the door. “Showed up about twenty minutes ago. I think you should talk to him.”

“No,” Sophia shook her head, bringing the cup back up to her mouth. She took a long sip, ignoring the way the coffee burnt the inside of her mouth.

“Sophie, if it’s over, that's fine, but you two should talk. Get some closure.”

“His wife is pregnant, isn’t that closure enough?”

“Why would it be? Did it work the last four times?”

Sophia scoffed, rolling her eyes. She took another sip of the coffee and put it down on the nightstand.

“What does he want?”

“Honestly? From what I can tell, he wants you,” Bailey shrugged. “I never thought I’d be the one with her arms wrapped around the guy while he cried on my shoulder about how much he loved you, but that’s what I've spent the last fifteen minutes doing. Truthfully, I’d love it if you took over.”

“He’s crying?”

“He was,” Bailey nodded. “He's really torn up about this.”

“That makes two of us,” Sophia rolled her eyes again.

“Soph,” Sophia closed her eyes again at the sound of his voice. When she opened them, he was leaning against the door frame, his arms down by his sides. His face was red and he looked exhausted. Sophia’s eyebrows drew together, but she couldn't say anything. “Please talk to me.”

Something in his voice changed something in her. She was so sure that she wasn't going to allow him any more time, that the last time they spoke was it for them, but before she could stop herself, she was nodding and looking down at her knees.

“I’ll be right in the living room,” Bailey said quietly. “If you need me.”

Zac stepped away from the doorframe and they both watched Bailey let herself out of the room, quietly shutting the door. Zac and Sophia looked at each other quietly, each of them seemingly sizing the other up. Finally, Zac smiled softly and motioned towards the bed.

“Can I sit?”

Sophia nodded, bringing her knees up to her chest to make room for Zac to sit down. He looked down at the comforter, playing with the fabric between his fingers for a few seconds before dropping it and looking up at her.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Sophia shrugged. “You’ve said that already.”

“I still am.”

“I know,” she nodded.

“I love you,” he said quietly, shrugging his shoulders. It was almost like he just didn't know what else to say so he fell back on the words.

“I love you too,” she matched his shrug and then shook her head. “But, it doesn't change anything.”

“Why now?” His voice was a little louder now, his eyes boring into hers. “Why is this the line now? After all these years, after everything we’ve survived through? We're just at the finish line and now this is too much for us to work through?”

“Maybe we shouldn't have been surviving through all of those things, have you ever thought of that? Maybe we should have called this shit off ages ago. Maybe you never should have come back here and wrapped me back up in all of this just to let me down. Again! You let me down again, Zac!”

“Am I really that bad?”

“No,” she huffed, crossing her arms. “You're not getting it, you don't understand the point at all.”

“The point is that we love each other, isn't that enough?”

“No!” She leaned forward putting her head in her hands and resting them on her knees. “It’s not enough.”

“I'm not enough?” His voice cracked and it almost tore a hole in Sophia’s resolve, but she wouldn't look at him. If she looked at him, it all might crumble around her.

“No,” she said quietly. “I need more than just love. I need to feel secure and I don’t. I can't move states and leave everything in my life behind to feel insecure.”

“What can I do to make you feel it?”

“Nothing,” she shook her head, still not looking up at him. “I feel like I'm always going to be counting down until the next time, the next let down, the next surprise. I don't want surprises, Zac.”

“There wont be anymore, Soph, I pro-”

“Stop making me promises. You're not very good at keeping them,” she looked up then, his face radiating pure hurt. It made her heart clench and she wanted to reach across the space in between them and place her hand on his cheek, tell him it was okay. But, it wasn't, so she wouldn’t.

—

_It had been over a year since Sophia had spoken to Zac. After her phone call with Kate she’d sent him a text asking him to just let it be, telling him that if he ever loved her, he’d respect her wishes and allow her to move on. Much to her shock, he’d actually listened for the first time in the entire time they’d known each other._

_It didn’t happen over night, but she’d found that with a lot of support from Bailey and more hours than she'd like to admit spending listening to sad playlists, she’d finally started feeling okay about everything about six months after the phone call from Kate. She’d decided to look at her and Zac as something that was supposed to happen, something to show her what it was like to feel red hot passion for another human being, but maybe it was more like practice than the one she was meant to find forever._

_It was New Years Eve, in a few hours it would be 2015 and Sophia planned to start the year with a fresh outlook on life. She’d decided to forgo the parties and the friends and the company and spend her night alone at home, reflecting on all of the things that had happened over the year - and the ones before - and make a plan for the upcoming years. A few years ago, even just a year ago, the thought of spending New Years alone would have filled Sophia with sadness, but the thought of doing it any other way this year was just something she didn't want to do._

_It was just after noon and Sophia was walking down the street in downtown Atlanta doing a little bit of shopping. She’d spent an hour at the bookstore looking through the shelves and buying a handful of books that sounded intriguing to her. She’d made a goal to read more this year, taking some of the time she’d spend rewatching the same episodes of TV shows she’d watched dozens of times already, or browsing the internet mindlessly, to rediscover her love of reading. She was making her way towards the wine shop - just because you’d decided to spend the New Year alone didn’t mean you had to forgo the champagne - when her phone chirped from her purse. She stopped, reaching in to fish it out and turned the screen on, surprised to see the name that was shining up at her._

_It had been so long since she’d seen it that she’d almost thought she was imagining it at first. She blinked once and then her eyes fell back on the phone. Zac._

_She swiped the text to open it and squinted her eyes, shaking her head a little bit in confusion._

Turn around.

_She stood there for a second and then slowly turned around, her eyes on the pavement ahead of her. They fell first on a pair of beat up Chucks, moving slowly up to the too tight dark blue jeans. A zipped up brown leather jacket was next and then finally Sophia’s eyes fell on his smile._

_They looked at each other for a few seconds before Zac held his arms out to the sides and shrugged, his smile growing just a bit larger. Sophia shook her head, a smile creeping onto her face that almost matched his. She took a few steps, stopping when she reached him._

_“What are you doing here?”_

_“Hello to you too,” Zac chuckled._

_“Hi,” Sophia smiled again. “What are you doing here?”_

_“We have a show tonight, you didn't know?”_

_“No,” Sophia shook her head. “Honestly, I haven't been...paying attention...”_

_“Right,” Zac nodded. “So you wont be there?”_

_“I’m planning on spending the night in my pajamas curled up in a blanket with one of these,” Sophia held up the bag of books she’d purchased. “I was on the way to the wine shop to grab a bottle of champagne to join us when you texted.”_

_“Spending New Years Eve alone?” Zac raised an eyebrow, shaking his head. “That sounds like a crime.”_

_“It sounds peaceful,” Sophia laughed._

_“I don't even remember the last time I was alone,” Zac laughed. “It does sound peaceful.”_

_Zac’s phone rang and he pulled it out of his pocket, looking down at the screen. He held it up to Sophia, “Taylor,” he said. “I have to take this,” he put the phone to his ear and muttered a hello into it, mmming every couple of seconds before saying bye and hanging up._

_“They need me back at the venue, I was supposed to be getting coffees,” he motioned towards the Starbucks up the street._

_“Coffee boy again, huh? Something about Atlanta or do you do that in every city?”_

_“Now that you mention it,” Zac chuckled. “It seems to be something about Atlanta.”_

_“And somehow we're always running our errands at the same time.”_

_“Yeah,” Zac grinned. “Somehow we are.”_

_A quiet fell over them, Sophia’s eyes dropping to the sidewalk between them. They stood there for a few seconds before Zac took a step forward._

_“I should run, but it was really good seeing you.”_

_“Yeah, you too,” Sophia smiled, looking back up at him._

_Zac moved to turn around, but seemed to decide against it, looking at Sophia for another moment. He shoved his phone in his pocket and licked his lips, grinning when Sophia raised her eyebrows at him._

_“I know you have this big night of alone time planned but,” he tilted his head to the side. “Why don’t you come to the show?”_

_“Zac, I don’t-”_

_“Just...just as a friend,” he smiled._

_“A friend?” Sophia lifted an eyebrow again and Zac laughed, shrugging._

_“Yeah, I could use one of those, I think.”_

_Sophia breathed out, prepared to say no, explain to him how she couldn't let her book friends down. But, when she met his eyes again and found that he was smiling, his face giving off a bashful feeling making her grin at him, she changed her mind._

_“Yeah, okay,” she nodded._

_“Yeah?” His smile grew and she couldn't help it when hers grew with his._

_“Yeah.”_

—

“So, this is it?” Zac spoke softly, his hand reaching out and landing on top of Sophia’s. “We’re just done? For real?”

“Yeah,” Sophia shrugged, frowning. She wiped away a tear and then shook her head, looking down at the bed. “This is it.”

Zac squeezed her hand and then let go, standing up from the bed. Sophia could feel him looking at her and she wanted nothing more than to look back up at him, tell him she didn't mean it. She swallowed down the words, pushing them as far away from her as she could manage before looking up at him.

“Okay,” he nodded, walking to the door. He stopped with his hand on the knob, not turning back to look at her. “I’m gonna wait for you,” his voice was soft and she could hear the tears in it. “No amount of time is too long. I'm gonna wait, and when you're ready, you come to me. We’re supposed to be together, Soph, I still believe that with everything inside of me.”

He pulled the door open and walked through the house. She heard him say goodbye to Bailey and then she heard the front door close. She flattened her body out so she was laying on her back and threw her arm over her face. She’d done enough crying, she couldn’t possibly have any left in her. _You’re going to drown in your own tears at this point, you crybaby._

She felt Bailey sit down on the bed next to her and that was all it took, the tears came again.

“Maybe you’re making the wrong-”

“Stop,” she sighed. “Just don’t.”

“I just think that maybe if you're this upset-”

“Bailey!” Sophia flung her arm that was covering her face down on the bed and looked up at her friend. “You’ve spent years trying to talk me away from him and now you're trying to push me to him, could you make up your mind?”

Bailey smiled a little and then stood up, rubbing Sophia’s shoulder.

“Maybe you should be telling that to yourself,” she walked to the door and pulled it most of the way closed, sticking her head back into the gap. “I don't know what you’re thinking, but it looks like you’re driving yourself to destruction.”

Sophia rolled her eyes as Bailey closed the door the rest of the way and rolled over. She'd have to figure out how to move on from this on her own. Right at the right time it looked like Zac had finally charmed Bailey to his side.

—

_Zac deposited Sophia side stage, a place where she'd been several times over their relationship. She didn't miss Taylor's confused looks when she'd shown up, but at least he'd thought better of it than to say anything this time._

_She'd watched the show with bittersweet emotion enveloping her. Every glance from Zac, every small smile he threw her way, every line from every song she knew he'd written about her - them - sending wave after wave of feeling over her. Some were good, some weren't so good. Some were foreign and alien and something she just couldn't place, no matter how hard she tried to put her finger on it._

_They’d planned the show down to the minute to make sure that they'd come back onto the stage for the encore just in time to do a ten second countdown to the new year. When they’d finished the last song before the break, they ran to the side of the stage, each of them grabbing a bottle of champagne that had been left there for them to shake up and open when the clock hit midnight. Zac ran to her first, wrapping her in his arms and whispering ‘happy new year,’ in her ear. She smiled, watching him grab the bottle of champagne. The three of them stood there for a second and then burst back onto the stage to thunderous applause from the crowd. Sophia couldn't help but smile seeing the joy on their faces. She couldn't see the crowd from exactly where she was standing, but she imagined their faces were similar. She remembered all too well the rush of seeing them perform live from that perspective, before all of the added feelings and complications that the name Hanson had brought into her life._

_She could hear Taylor saying something to the crowd, riling them up to begin counting down, but she couldn’t follow his words with the way that Zac’s eyes were on her, his face washed with a look of confusion._

_Just as Taylor hit ‘3,’ Zac shook his head, smiling wide at her and sprinted from his spot on the stage. Just as Taylor and Isaac loudly said the number one, his arms were around her, the cold bottle of champagne pressed into her back. His lips hit hers, the sound of the crowd cheering and screaming loud in her ears. He pulled back after a few seconds, one hand on her face._

_“This is the first time we've ever spent New Years together,” he smiled._

_“Yeah,” she grinned. “I guess it is.”_

_“I better get back out there.”_

_“You are one third of the band,” she laughed._

_“Happy New Year, Soph,” he smiled, kissing her quickly again, before turning and walking quickly back onto the stage._

—

An hour after Zac left, Sophia forced herself out of bed and showered, letting the hot water wash over her until it turned cold. She pulled on fresh pajamas and towel dried her hair before grabbing her phone and walking out into the living room where Bailey was sitting on the couch. She raised an eyebrow at the look of shock on Bailey's face upon seeing her and walked into the kitchen, grabbing two Blue Moons from the fridge. She walked back to the couch and plopped down next to Bailey, putting her legs up on the coffee table.

“Here,” she held one of the beers out to Bailey and then took a swig of hers.

“Thanks,” Bailey repeated her motion and then leaned back on the couch, looking over at Sophia. “You okay?”

“No,” Sophia looked over at her and smiled. “But I will be.”

“Yeah,” Bailey smiled, grabbing Sophia's hand and holding onto it. “You will.”

“Can you do something for me?”

“Anything,” Bailey nodded. “You know that.”

Sophia held her phone out to Bailey, waving it when she didn’t take it right away.

“Block his number,” Sophia turned her head away. “And then go into my email and block him there too.”

“You sure about this?”

“Yeah,” Sophia nodded. “I need a clean start, it's the only way I’ll be able to do this.”

“Okay,” Bailey nodded, her fingers moving over the screen of Sophia's phone. “A clean start."


	9. Loving You Still Takes Shots at Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics from Consequences by Camila Cabello

_Loving you was young, and wild, and free_   
_Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet_   
_Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound_   
_A steady place to let down my defenses_   
_But loving you had consequences_

Zac  
Two months later

Things hadn’t been particularly sparkling and shiny in Zac’s world over the nine weeks since Sophia had given up on him.

When there were two adults and four kids living in the house, it didn’t feel so big. Some days it even felt positively tiny, like there was no corner in the place where you could find a single second of solitude, but now with it being only him, it felt almost suffocating how much empty space was all around him at all times.

He found himself sometimes walking into each of the kids rooms and just standing there. Looking around, remembering. If he looked hard enough he could see the memories they’d made in between those walls, together, as a family. He’d blink and they’d disappear, as if they were never there, but he swore those moments were the only ones that pushed him through all of the bad moments.

He could see Sophia there, too. The way she was supposed to be by then. He’d cleared room in the closets and the dresser for her before he’d left for Atlanta, and when he looked hard enough he could see her things there, see her sprawled out on the couch with a book resting in her lap, see her getting ready in the bathroom mirror. He could see her as if she were there, but she wasn’t.

And it was all his fault.

He’d hung up from a phone call with the kids a few minutes ago, settling down onto the couch with a cold beer when it was over. These were always the times when he felt especially out of sorts. It was easy to see all that was missing from your life when it was just within your reach, but not quite where you could touch it. With the band on a much needed break after being in the studio recording tracks for their next album, Zac had a lot of time on his hands to think about his life and all of the things that he’d wanted out of it and all of them that he hadn’t gotten, so he’d learned to rely on things that brought him comfort, even if that comfort was small in relation to the level of emptiness he’d been feeling.

He grabbed his Xbox remote and turned the television to Netflix, loading up the first season of The Walking Dead. Nothing like a little Zombie action to take your mind off of how dead your life felt to you. He’d just finished his beer and was pausing the television to get up and grab another when he froze in his spot at the sound of the doorbell.

He wasn’t expecting anyone and typically the only person who showed up unannounced was Taylor, and Zac knew that at this time of day he’d be wrapped up in helping to prepare the army sized dinner they needed every night. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d had a fan show up at his door, but it would be the first time it had happened since he’d moved and his house had become a little more difficult to find. He moved through the living room and towards the door, unable to see who it was through the high window in the middle of the door. He looked at it for a second before moving towards it just as the bell sounded again. He shrugged to himself and reached for the knob, pulling the door open.

His breath caught in his chest the second his eyes focused in on the person standing on his porch, almost sure he was hallucinating.

“Your driveway is really long,” she said. “And, really, pretty hard to find. Are you hiding from someone?”

Zac shook his head, staring at her. She looked the same except her hair was a little messy and she looked like she hadn’t slept in days. She wasn’t smiling, but she wasn’t frowning either, Zac shook his head again, considering pinching himself. Maybe he’d wake up.

“Are you in there?” The corner of her mouth lifted just a little bit, almost unnoticeable. “Or have you been replaced with a robot that looks just like you?”

He couldn’t help it, he smiled then, his head shaking one more time.

“Sophia,” he breathed. “What are you doing here?”

—

_After their New Years Eve kiss, Zac had taken Sophia home in a cab. They sat on her porch side by side for a couple of hours, talking about all of the ways they’d come together and drifted apart over the years. They talked about the things they’d missed in each others lives and the things they hoped would happen for each other in the future._

_Sophia had leaned into Zac, pressing her lips against his. She kept them there, still, just warm and soft, for a few seconds before pulling away and smiling at him._

_“We were good once, weren’t we?”_

_“I think so,” Zac smiled, taking her hand._

_“Do you think that maybe in another life, we’re together? From the start? No wives, no kids, just you and me? Doing it the right way?”_

_“Yeah,” Zac looked at her and nodded, his smile a little bigger. “Yeah, I do.”_

_“Maybe we were supposed to happen, just not the way we thought.”_

_“Sophia Hill, are you talking about fate?”_

_“Shut up,” she laughed, nudging him with her shoulder. “I’m just saying.”_

_“Just saying,” Zac laughed._

_“You should go,” Sophia smiled, brushing a stray hair out of his face. “I want you to stay, but you should go.”_

_Zac nodded, lifting his hand and taking hold of hers, pressing it against his face, “yeah. I should.”_

_“You have to go.”_

_“Why can’t we-”_

_“Don’t ruin it,” she whispered, leaning in and kissing him quickly. “It was a good night, let’s just let it be that.”_

_Zac looked at her, taking in her eyes and her small smile, the way she looked truly content. He nodded leaning in and kissing her one more time._

_“You’re right,” he said, standing up and walking down the two steps. He grabbed her hands and pulled her to her feet. “Do you think...can we be-”_

_“Friends?” She smiled again and then nodded. “Yeah, I’d like that.”_

_“It’s settled then,” he hugged her tightly and then let her go, taking two steps backwards. “We’re friends now. I hope you’re prepared.”_

_“I don’t think I’ve ever been prepared for you, Hanson,” she grinned._

_He smiled and shook his head, lifting one hand in a small wave before turning around and making his way away from her house._

_He’d rather have her any way he could than not have her at all._

—

“I should have called,” she put her palm to her forehead and then looked at him again. “I’m so stupid, I should have called.”

“No,” he shook his head. “It’s okay, come in. I just-” he ushered her inside and shut the door behind them, leading her to the living room. “How’d you even know where to-”

“One of the letters you sent me,” she interjected. “Your address...it was on it.”

“Right,” he nodded, sitting down on the couch and watching as she sat down delicately next to him, leaving a cushions worth of space between them.

They sat quietly, Zac looking at Sophia and Sophia looking at everything but Zac.

“So,” he broke the silence and smiled when she finally looked at him. “Not that I'm not happy to see you, because I am. I really, really am. But, why? Why are you here?”

“I-” she took a deep breath and then looked down quickly before looking back up at him. “I...needed something and Bailey- she’s, well, she’s away for the week and I needed to do something and I couldn’t make myself do it alone and there isn't anyone else, it’s just her and you, and I just didn’t know what else to do, so I bought a flight and I got on it and now-”

“Hey,” Zac laughed quietly, reaching out and putting a hand on her shoulder. “Calm down, you’re going to hyperventilate.”

“Probably,” Sophia chuckled. “I just needed someone.”

“Well,” Zac tilted his head and shrugged. “I'm someone.”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “You are.”

—

_Zac tried, he really did. Friends worked for a little while, until he was finding himself spending late nights sprawled out on his couch talking on the phone with Sophia. Until he found himself seeing things that made him think of her everywhere he went. Until he’d be on the road and he’d see something, and his brain would tell him that she’d like it, so he’d buy it and he’d send it to her._

_They’d tried, Zac liked to think, the both of them. But, sometimes, no matter how much you try, no matter how hard you work at something, you just can't change things. They’ll stay how they are, no matter how badly you want to push them into something else._

_It was July and it was hot, and frankly Zac had had enough of 2015. The band had been working through budgeting issues, creativity issues, and at the end of the day communication issues. But, you had to pay the bills, and so they kept at it, doing what they always did and making it look as easy and put together as they always had. They were set to play a series of smaller shows in select cities, just to keep the wheels moving, and as luck - or Zac’s hand - would have it, Atlanta was on the list._

_He was happy that this time he didn’t have to hope that by sheer luck he’d run into Sophia on the street, he knew she'd be there. They hadn’t actually seen each other since their New Years resolution to be friends and Zac was buzzing with the prospect of her standing in front of him again._

_She’d been pretty insistent that their just friends status remained just that. Every time he’d find a book or a bauble and send it to her, she’d say the same thing. Some variation of, thank you, I love it, but friends don't send each other these kind of gifts in the mail. Every time he got just a little bit left of sober and he’d call her up - usually in the middle of the night - to confess that he was still holding on. To what? He wasn’t really sure. Hope, he guessed. She’d remind him that they were friends and friends don't say those kind of things to each other._

_Zac was tired of being friends._

\--

Zac stared into his mostly empty refrigerator, cursing himself for not going shopping. He’d been surviving on delivery for weeks, not particularly interested in going shopping and filling up the house with food no one but himself would eat. He pulled the two remaining cans of Mountain Dew out of the fridge and walked back out to the living room, finding Sophia standing in front of the fireplace looking at the photos that sat on top of it.

“I know this isn't your soda of choice, but it's all I’ve got,” Zac smiled, handing her one.

“Thanks,” she smiled softly, opening her can and taking a sip. “Do you miss them?”

“Yeah,” Zac nodded, looking at the frames holding photos of his kids.

“It’s my fault,” Sophia sighed, shaking her head and walking back to the couch. She dropped down onto it and pulled her legs up underneath her and Zac couldn’t help but think of how she looked like she belonged there. “I’m sorry.”

“What?” Zac said, walking over and sitting down next to her. “It’s not your fault, Soph.”

“If you’d never met me, this wouldn’t be happening. Maybe you guys would have grown to fall in love. You’d be happy.”

“No,” Zac shook his head. “Our lack of love has nothing to do with you. We’d still be here, maybe sooner, maybe it would have taken even longer, but we would still be here.”

“Are you saying that if I weren’t me, It’d just be someone else? That you'd have found another girl in another city and she’d be-”

“No,” Zac put his hand on her leg and smiled softly at her. “That’s all you, but this shit with me and Kate? That has nothing to do with you, it would have happened with or without you.”

“Yeah,” Sophia leaned back on the couch and sighed. “I like to think that. I like to think that what we had was something special.”

“It was,” Zac squeezed her leg and then let go. “It still is.”

—

_The venue was intimate, the set up had a bunch of circular tables with chairs set up all over the floor where the fans would sit. Zac peered around the curtain and saw Sophia sitting at her table right in front of the stage, a glass of wine sitting on top of it. There was no one else at her table yet, but it was early, the show didn't start for another half an hour. As people started trickling in the doors, Zac pulled his head away from the curtain and made his way back to the holding room where Taylor and Isaac were sitting with Natalie. He walked in and they all looked up at him._

_“We thought we were going to have to send out a search party,” Taylor grinned. “Where'd you go?”_

_“I was just checking things out,” Zac shrugged. “Listen,” Zac walked over to the couch against the wall and sat down. “I need to make a change to the set list.”_

_“Now? They already took them and they're about to put them out.”_

_“Okay, well, it doesn't effect you guys. I'm changing out my solo song.”_

_“To what?” Taylor raised an eyebrow._

_“You haven't heard it,” Zac shrugged. “No one has.”_

_“Are you sure you want to play a brand new-” Isaac started talking but Taylor cut him off._

_“Does this have anything to do with the fact that we’re in Atlanta?”_

_Zac looked up at him from his place on the couch, not saying anything._

_“What’s that mean?” Isaac asked._

_“Nothing,” Zac and Taylor responded at the same time, still staring each other down._

_“But, I think I got my answer,” Taylor rolled his eyes and walked out of the room._

_“What’s that all about?” Natalie spoke up from her spot on the chair across the room. Zac had forgotten she was even sitting there. He looked at her and sighed._

_“Nothing, it’s nothing.”_

_“Whatever it is, it can't effect the show,” Isaac walked to the door and looked back at Zac. “I’m gonna go find him. We go on in 5.”_

_Natalie went to speak again but Zac stood up, turning towards the door._

_“I should get ready.”_

_“I know, Zac,” Natalie said quietly, and he turned to look at her. “I know about Sophia. And I know that Taylor knows, too.”_

_“So,” Zac shrugged. “Is this the part where you yell at me? Call me the worst husband in the world? If so, you can save it. Anything you could say to me, I already know.”_

_“No,” Natalie shook her head. “I'm not going to say any of those things.”_

_“Then what?”_

_“I just want you to be happy, Zac,” she said, shrugging, a small smile on her face. “Without hurting yourself or the people around you more than necessary.”_

_“Yeah,” Zac nodded, turning back towards the hallway. “Now I’ll just have to figure out how to make that happen.”_

—

“So, what was it that you needed?” Zac asked Sophia as they finished their sodas. “Not that I mind the random visit, but I don't think you flew to Tulsa on a whim just to chat.”

“No,” Sophia shook her head and leaned to pick her purse up from the living room table. “I needed someone with me,” she dug through her purse and then pulled her hand out, holding a small white box. “When I did this.”

His eyes moved from her face to the box in her hand, taking in exactly what she was saying. He looked back up at her and lifted an eyebrow.

“That’s a pregnancy test.”

“It's two pregnancy tests, actually,” she shrugged. “In case the first one doesn't work.”

Zac reached out and took the box from her, looking at it and then turning it over in his hands, “you’re pregnant?”

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I haven't- I couldn’t make myself take the test. I stood in the bathroom staring at the box for twenty minutes and I just couldn’t make myself do it. I'm such a wimp.”

“You’re not a wimp,” Zac frowned. “I don't want to ask this...um, the last time I suggested to someone that I wasn't- that they might not be-”

“It would be yours,” Sophia said. “There hasn't been anyone else.”

“Okay,” Zac said, nodding and standing up from the couch. "Okay. Then, we deal with it together,” he held his hand out to her and pulled her up gently when she took it. “Come on, I’ll show you where the bathroom is.”

—

_The show was going how any other show had always gone. They’d played the songs, the fans had sung along and cheered and even screamed inappropriate things at intervals that had begun to wear on Zac over the years._

_Zac watched from the side of the stage as Taylor did his solo song, smiling at how in place Taylor looked alone on a stage. There was a period of time when they were younger when Zac and Isaac had been worried that Taylor would trade in the whole three piece brother band to do his own thing, and Zac had always thought it would have have been perfect for him. He was glad he hadn't, nonetheless._

_Zac shook himself out of his thoughts when he heard Taylor tell the crowd to welcome him to the stage and he walked past Taylor, giving him a small smile on the way. He grabbed his guitar from the side and then moved the microphone to the middle of the stage, adjusting it. He then pulled the stool from in front of the piano to the middle of the stage, sitting down on it and fiddling with the guitar for a second before looking up at the crowd._

_“This is a new one,” he smiled. “So new in fact, that no one has ever heard it before. Not even the rest of the band,” he grinned at the way that seemed to excite everyone watching. “It’s so new that it's not even really finished, but I felt like I had to play it, so I hope you like it.”_

_The crowd cheered and he looked over at Sophia quickly, smiling at her, before looking back down at the guitar and starting to play._

_“Wish I had another story to tell_  
Wish I could sing about anything else  
But every time I sit down the only thing that comes out,  
A melody and rhyme,  
Babe, I can't lie, it's always you.”

_He looked up quickly to see Sophia staring at him, her fingers wrapped around her wine glass. He smiled again and began the next verse._

_“Wish I could think about another pretty face_  
One that doesn't make me feel this way  
One that if she left me, wouldn't be the death of me,  
I would be just fine  
But every time, it's always you.”

_The room was completely silent, every one listening to this new song that they’d never heard before, but Zac couldn't take his eyes off of Sophia as he sang._

_“It's always you, your name on the tip of my tongue_  
It's always you, you're my favorite place to run  
And I always knew my heart was yours to take  
And never mine to give away  
It's always you”

_Sophia's mouth was slightly open, her hand still wrapped around her glass. She was staring right back at him, but he couldn’t make out how she was feeling, her face completely blank. He looked down at the guitar and finished the song._

_“It's always you, your name on the tip of my tongue_  
And it's you, sure as the rising sun  
And I always knew my heart was yours to take  
And never mine to give away  
It’s always you  
Yeah, baby, it's always you  
It's always you”

_When he looked up it was right in time to see Sophia walking away from her table, straight towards the doors that lead to the lobby of the venue._

_He told the crowd to give it up for Isaac and ran off the stage. He was almost to the door that connected the backstage area to the lobby when Taylor walked by with a beer in his hand._

_“Where are you going?”_

_“I have to...I have to take care of something.”_

_“Zac, we have 3 minutes before we have to finish out the show.”_

_“Just...I don't know, drag it out a little? I just need a few minutes.”_

_“Zac-”_

_“Taylor! I have to go! I’ll be right back, the longer you keep me here arguing with you, the longer it’ll take!” Zac huffed and turned away from Taylor, sprinting to the lobby of the venue. He made it there just in time to see Sophia walking out of the doors and onto the sidewalk._

_“Shit,” he mumbled to himself, sprinting to the door and pushing it open. “Sophia!” He shouted once he'd reached the sidewalk. She stopped walking and turned around to look at him, tears streaming down her face._

_“What the fuck was that, Zac?”_

_“Wha- it- I thought you’d like it.”_

_“Like it?” She repeated, walking back towards him, stopping directly in front of him. “Like it? What_ was _that? Friends! We’re supposed to be friends! Friends don't-”_

_Zac grabbed her shoulders and pulled her towards him, slamming his lips down onto hers. She hesitated for a second and then allowed him to kiss her, her hands resting lightly on his back. After a few seconds she pulled away and shook her head._

_“You don’t get it,” she said quietly._

_“I don't want to be friends,” Zac’s voice was low, but he couldn’t help the hint of frustration in his voice. “I love you. Why isn't that enough for you? What do you want from me?”_

_“What do I- are you kidding me, Hanson?” Sophia huffed and then poked him hard at the top of his chest, right where his wedding ring was hanging. “It's not enough because of this.”_

_He brought his hand up to the spot she had poked and shook his head, sighing._

_“I don't know what to do.”_

_“Nothing,” Sophia shrugged. “We do nothing. Not friends, nothing.”_

_She turned around and started walking up the street, holding her hand up when he called her name. He watched her turn and disappear around a corner, dropping his head and walking back into the venue._

—

Zac knocked lightly on the door after a couple of minutes, opening it when Sophia lightly told him to come in.

“How's it going in here?”

“I just finished,” Sophia held up the test, her hand wrapped around the results window. “Why can't they be instant?”

“Here,” Zac took the test and laid it on the sink, bringing Sophia over to the lip of the bathtub and sitting them both down on it. “What’s the package say,” he took his phone out of his pocket and flipped it on, opening the timer. “Three minutes?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, looking over at the sink and then back at him.

“Okay,” he said quietly, setting the timer for three minutes and placing it down on the lip of the tub in between them. “When it goes off, you can grab it, or I will if you want.”

“Okay,” she nodded, looking down at her lap. “Do you hate me?”

“Hate you?” He repeated, laughing quietly. “No. I don’t hate you, I couldn’t if I tried.”

“You already have four kids, five really,” Sophia shook her head, looking back up at him. “Now maybe six? You can’t possibly-”

“Sophia, honestly?” Zac shook his head. “I can't explain this to you, and it sounds horrible. I love my kids, you know I do...but, this is the first time that someone has told me that they may be pregnant with my child and I've felt happy.”

“Really?” She tilted her head. “You’d want to have a baby with me?”

“I want to do everything with you,” Zac smiled. “I always have.”

Sophia smiled and nodded, looking back down at her lap. They sat in the quiet for a little bit before Zac finally broke it.

“I just, I guess I always assumed you were on birth control.”

“I was,” Sophia looked back up at him. “I mean, before, I was. I stopped taking it a few months ago and I guess I just wasn't thinking. I was so used to being on it and...” she trailed off, shrugging. “It was stupid.”

“What made you think you were pregnant?”

“The throwing up every day between the hours of 8 and noon were a tip off,” she chuckled. “It just started happening one day and kept happening every day for a couple of weeks. I thought maybe I had a stomach bug, but it went on a little long for that. I'm only vomiting on occasion now, thankfully,” she grinned. “But, I realized two days ago that I haven't had my period...not in a couple of months.”

“So, on a scale of one to extremely, how pregnant do you think you are?”

Sophia grinned and shook her head, “I dunno, I'm hovering somewhere near extremely.”

“What do you want to do if you are?” Zac asked, and then looked down at the phone as it started going off. “I guess we can talk about that after.”

“Yeah,” Sophia frowned, looking over at the sink.

“Do you want to-”

“You do it,” Sophia said, looking back over at him. “Please.”

Zac nodded and stood up, walking over to the sink. He looked back at Sophia and smiled before picking up the test. “Whatever it says, it’ll be okay, alright?”

—

_Zac had never been a huge drinker. Sure, he got drunk on occasion, but nothing like recently. He’d found himself drinking more and more, he wasn't sure if that was to cope with everything he'd lost or everything he was dealing with in front of him, but he knew it wasn't the answer to any of it._

_That didn't stop him though, as he ordered another shot of tequila and another rum and coke from the bartender who was looking at him a little bit like maybe he didn't quite want to keep serving him. He did, though, and Zac sighed after pounding back what was his fourth - or maybe sixth - shot of the night back._

_He drank the beer in four long sips, fishing his phone out of his pocket between the third and fourth, then slammed the bottle down on the bar top a little harder than he had meant to. He poked at the button on his phone to turn on the screen on and then opened his contacts, scrolling until he found what he was looking for._

_“I’ll pay my tab,” he mumbled to the bartender when he went to walk past him, not missing the look that looked a little like ‘about time buddy,’ when he nodded and walked to the computer._

_Zac settled his tab and pushed his bar stool back, grabbing his phone. He walked out the door, making it a handful of feet down the street until he leaned up against the brick building and turned his phone on again. Her contact information was still on the screen - a little bit blurry, but he knew what he was looking at - so he pressed down on the call button and put the phone to his ear, resting his head against the brick._

_He'd almost hung up after five rings when finally she answered._

_“Zac? It's almost two in the morning,” she sounded like she had been sleeping and he instantly cursed himself for waking her._

_“Sorry, sorry, I was just- well, I guess I- I just wanted to-”_

_“Are you drunk?”_

_“Maybe,” he chuckled, rolling his head to the side._

_“Where are you?”_

_“Nashville. Uh, Memphis? Somewhere in Tennessee.”_

_“You don't even know where you are?”_

_“I know where I am, I just can't remember,” he chuckled again._

_“Jesus,” Sophia mumbled. He could hear shifting and he closed his eyes. He could see her adjusting herself in her bed so that she was sitting up against the headboard of her bed, her hair messy and flowing over her shoulders._

_“I love you.”_

_He hadn't meant to say it. If he'd thought about it, he would have stopped himself, but he hadn't, it just came tumbling out of his mouth as if he were under no control of his own motor functions. There was silence across the line for a few seconds and then Sophia sighed, shifting again._

_“Zac,” she said quietly. “You’re obviously incredibly drunk, let’s not-”_

_“No, I mean, okay...okay, yeah, I'm drunk. But, that has nothing to do with it. I love you when I'm drunk and when I'm sober and every other time. I-”_

_“Stop,” her voice was hitched and with his eyes closed he could picture her face, sad and turned down. He knew her so well, he wondered if she knew him in the same way. “We can't do this, not right now. Really, not ever. We can't do this, we can't go down this road again. Especially with...the state you’re in.”_

_“I know you love me back,” Zac slid down the wall so he was sitting on the cold pavement of the sidewalk, his back up against the wall. “Why wont you just let yourself?”_

_“You know why.”_

_“I’ll leave her right now. I’ll call her and I’ll tell her, I’ll get on a plane and we'll run away somewhere together, just you and me. We can do this, Soph, we can-”_

_“Zac!” His eyes opened at the sudden anger in her voice. This wasn't the first time he'd called her in the middle of the night after too many rounds with Jose, it wasn't the first time he'd brought these things up during one of his late night phone calls, but it was the first time she'd reacted to him with hostility._

_“Yes?” He said after too many seconds of her not saying anything else._

_“Stop it! You have to stop this.”_

_“Stop what? Loving you?”_

_“That too,” she sighed, her voice dropping a little again. “But mostly, you have to stop telling me about it. I get it, okay? I get it. You love me, and you like to talk about all of the ways you'll show me that when you've drank too much. But, we both know that the truth is, you're never going to do any of them. You'll talk about it and you'll get my hopes up and you'll let me down, every single time. It's over, Zac. It's been over, it's time for you to accept that, okay? It's time for you to-”_

_“Stop talking to you," he finished._

_“I didn't say that.”_

_“No, but you meant it.”_

_“I didn’t-”_

_“I can't talk to you. I can't be your friend, I don't know how to be your friend, Soph,” he dropped his head forward, his hair falling into his face. “I’ll never know how.”_

_“So, you’d rather lose me all together than learn how to be my friend?” There was pain in her voice and he hated himself for being the one to put it there._

_“Yes,” he said, much more resolve in his voice than he felt inside. “I would.”_

_“Wow,” she said quietly. “Okay, then I guess-”_

_“I can't talk to you. It hurts and you don't seem to care. You only care about you, you don't care.”_

_“I do care, Zac,” she sighed._

_“Right,” he scoffed. “If it's over, it's over, right? Well, if it's over, I can't hear your voice. I don't want to hear your voice anymore. It fucking hurts.”_

_“You called me,” she said. “I didn't ask you to-”_

_“Don't worry, it wont happen again. I'm sorry that I’ve burdened you.”_

_He took the phone from his ear and hit the end call button before he could stop himself. He stared down at the phone, blinking a couple of times to clear his blurry vision, but it didn't work. Her picture filled the screen, the phone vibrating in his hand and he hit the deny button after only a second. She wasn't the only one who couldn't do this anymore._

_He quickly clicked into her contact information and hit the delete button, clicking back to her number in his recent calls and blocking it. Maybe she’d been right, maybe they needed to go their separate ways. Maybe it was the only way._

—

Zac could feel Sophia looking at him as he held the pregnancy test in his hand, his eyes on the results window. He looked up at her and smiled, tilting his head.

“Do you want me to tell you or do you want to see it yourself?”

“Tell me.”

He walked back over to the bathtub and sat back down on the lip of it next to her. He brushed her hair behind her ear and then placed the pregnancy test on the tub in between them.

“Looks like we’re having a baby.”

\--

Zac was pacing back and forth across the living room floor, looking towards the stairs every few seconds, waiting for Sophia to come down them.

She’d asked him for a minute after he’d told her the results of the test, so he'd left her sitting on the bathtub, but a minute turned to ten and ten turned to twenty and just as he was about to walk towards the staircase to go back up to her, he looked up and she was slowly walking down them.

She made her way to the bottom of the stairs and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her face in the front of his shirt. He let out a breath that he didn't even realize he'd been holding and held her to him. After a few seconds, he kissed the top of her head.

“You okay?”

She nodded against him and tightened her grip on him, then shook her head no.

“Come on,” he said softly and took her hand and lead her back to the couch. He sat her down and then sat next to her, squeezing her hand. “Talk to me.”

Sophia sighed, shaking her head. She wasn't crying, but Zac could tell that she had been. He scooted a little closer to her and slid his arm around her shoulder, smiling at her.

“How are you feeling?”

“Pretty stupid,” Sophia said quietly. “How could I make this mistake?”

“We,” Zac corrected. “We did this together. We're both adults, you’re not responsible for this.”

“I'm half responsible,” Sophia shrugged, looking up at him. “I've ruined everything. My life, your life-”

“No,” Zac shook his head, putting his hands on her shoulders. “Don't say that, you know it's not how I feel, you know it's not the truth."

"I don't know anything.”

"Tell me what you want to do,” Zac said, leveling his eyes with hers. "You tell me what you want to do, and that's what we'll do.”

“I-” Sophia shook her head, her eyes darting between his. “I have no idea, is that stupid? That’s the stupidest thing in the world, isn’t it?” She started laughing, her head still shaking from side to side. “I have no idea what I want to do because I never thought I’d find myself in this position,” she pointed at him, laughing a little harder. “With you! Of all people! Oh my God,” she laughed harder, bending forward, his grip on her shoulders falling, her arms wrapping around her stomach. “Jesus Christ, Sophia, you went and got yourself knocked up by Zac Hanson. Do you ever stop fucking up?”

Zac watched her, his chest tight. He’d expected emotions if the test came back positive, but these were not exactly the emotions he had readied himself for. He reached out and put his hand on her back, but she shook him away, her upper body rocking back and forth just slightly as she laughed.

“Sophia,” he said quietly, putting his hand on her back again. She looked up at him and tears were streaming down her face, her laughter in direct contrast with everything else about her in that moment.

“What?” She shrugged, lifting her hand and wiping at her face. “This isn’t funny to you? Because, it’s hilarious to me. Really, who else would ever be in this place, right here, right now? Not only am I a homewrecker, but I’m a _pregnant_ homewrecker,” she snorted, her laughter falling away and her eyes dropping down to Zac’s lap. “I’ve spent the last decade fucking up your life, my life, and now there’s a whole new life for me to fuck up.”

“Sophia,” Zac said again, pulling her to him and wrapping his arms around her. “You haven’t fucked up anything. Everything we did, we did together, including this. We’ll deal with it together.”

“Together,” she repeated, her forehead resting on his chest. “Cause that’s always worked out so well for us.”

“This is now,” he said, holding her tighter. “We figure it all out together, and we deal with everything that comes along with it that way too. I’m not going anywhere, Sophia.”

“You can’t promise that.”

He pulled away from her, putting his hands back on her shoulders and looking her in the eyes.

“Maybe not before,” he nodded. “You’re right. I was really bad at following through. I was bad at this,” he motioned between them with one hand. “And I was bad at taking care of you. But, this isn’t before, and all of that is different now. I’m going to take care of you, in whatever way you need me to do that. I promise.”

She looked at him for a few seconds before her shoulders started to shake, and then she just nodded her head and leaned into him, pressing her face to his chest.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around him and balling his shirt up lightly in her fists. “It’s never easy with us.”

“Don’t apologize,” he brought his hand up to her hair and ran his fingers through it. “Everything is going to work out, it has to.”

—

Zac’s entire left leg was asleep, Sophia’s head resting on it as she slept, his arm around her back rising and falling with each breath she took in and then let out.

Her face looked peaceful despite the slight redness still covering her cheeks from the time she’d spent crying, but her occasional sniffling made sure Zac didn’t forget what had brought her there to him.

He felt at a loss to do much of anything - for her, for himself, for anyone. He’d spent a lot of years feeling like he had next to no control over the things that happened in his life, but never like this. Never like he’d gone completely off the rails and made a mess of himself and everyone around him.

He leaned over and grabbed the throw pillow from the other corner of the couch, placing his hand gently underneath Sophia’s head and lifting it. He slid off the couch, careful not to move her too much, and slid the pillow where his leg was, grabbing the blanket off of the back of the couch and covering her with it. He leaned down and kissed her forehead softly before walking out of the living room and into the kitchen, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He’d spent a lot of time fucking up, a lot of time doing things to push people away and make them second guess his character and his actions, but he knew that at the end of the day, there was always someone he could count on to hold him up when he needed it the most. He didn’t often call, or ask for help, but he knew he was going to need it now. He couldn’t do this alone.

He scrolled down his contacts until the name he was looking for appeared, the screen blurring in front of his eyes a little bit. He took a deep breath, hitting call and holding the phone to his ear. After three rings, he was almost ready to hang up when the familiar voice came through, rushed as if they’d been afraid they were about to miss the call.

“Tay,” Zac said quietly. “Can you come over? Now? I really need you.”

—

Zac felt like he’d been sitting at the kitchen table, his head in his hands, for hours when he heard the front door open then close.

“In here,” he said as quietly as he could while still having Taylor hear him.

“What’s going on?” Taylor walked into the room, dropping his keys on the table.

“Did you notice the sleeping girl on the couch?” Zac looked up at Taylor and then rubbed his face, leaning back in his chair.

“What?” Taylor cocked an eyebrow, shaking his head.

“Sophia’s here,” Zac sighed. “She’s asleep on the couch. Tay, I have no idea what I’m going to do, things are really fucked up.”

“Okay,” Taylor said slowly, pulling out the chair across from Zac and sitting down. “Why is Sophia on the couch?”

“She’s pregnant,” Zac figured there was no use beating around the bush or drawing it out. Sophia was pregnant, and now they had to navigate what that meant for them, figure out where they went from there.

“She’s-” Taylor leaned on the table. “You have to be kidding.”

“I’m not kidding, she showed up here today. She seemed upset, she said she just needed someone. Then she told me why, she thought she was pregnant. So we - she - took a test, and she is. She’s pregnant,” Zac nodded and then dropped his elbows to the table, putting his head back in his hands. “I had to keep it together while she was awake. Someone has to be strong here. But, God, Tay. I’m freaking out.”

“Of course you’re freaking out!” Taylor said, sighing when Zac looked up and shh’d him. “Two pregnancies at once, Zac? This is a record, even for us.”

“Very funny,” Zac looked over at Taylor, keeping his head in his hands.

“Do you have a plan?”

“We didn’t get into that. She was really upset, she was worrying me, laughing and crying at the same time. She just kept saying that she was fucking up everyones lives.”

“So, whats your idea of a plan here?” Taylor stood up and walked to the fridge, grabbing two beers and coming back, sliding one across the table to Zac before sitting down.

“I told her that whatever she wanted to do, that’s what we’d do. That’s all I can do, right? I got her into this position and I can’t-”

“What do you mean whatever she wants to do? It seems like theres really only one thing that’s an outcome here. I hate to be leader of Planet Obvious but…you’re going to have a baby. _Another_ baby. _Two_ babies, Zac.”

“Maybe she doesn’t want to have a baby - my baby,” Zac could feel his face falling, he was sure he looked more than a little broken right then, but he couldn’t make himself care. “Maybe she still doesn’t want me.”

“Are you-”

“If that’s what she wants,” Zac cut in, knowing what Taylor was thinking just from the look on his face. He didn’t believe in abortion, but if that was what Sophia wanted, what she really needed for her, he would never stand in her way. “I feel the same way you do about it, but I’ve taken enough from her. I wont take her right to make her own decision.”

“Hey, I’m not arguing with you,” Taylor leaned back and held his hands up. “I don’t think it’s the right decision, you know how I feel about it, but it’s not my baby. It’s not my life-”

“No, it’s mine.”

They both jumped, turning towards the doorway. Sophia was standing there, the blanket pulled around her shoulders. Her eyes were slightly swollen and still heavy from sleep, her hair messy and falling out of the ponytail that had been holding it on top of her head.

“Soph,” Zac said quietly, pushing his chair back and walking over to her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him, resting his chin on the top of her head. “How are you feeling?”

“The same,” she spoke quietly, her forehead resting against his chest. “Nice to see you again, Taylor,” she mumbled, not moving to look at him.

“It’s been a long time,” Taylor’s voice came out steady and kind, his chair scraping back across the floor as he stood up. Zac turned his head and watched as Taylor walked towards them, putting his hand gently on Sophia’s shoulder. “You guys call me if you need anything, I’ll let you talk.”

“You don’t have to leave,” Sophia looked up at Taylor. “Not on account of me.”

“I think you guys probably have a lot to talk about,” Zac watched Taylor smile down at Sophia kindly and it made his chest tight. He knew she could fit in their lives, it was what he’d always wanted and the flickering thought that now she just might was enough to get him choked up. “Seriously, though. I’m only down the road if you guys need anything. Natalie is making a big dinner tonight, you could come, or I could bring some by after.”

“Maybe,” Zac turned to Taylor and smiled a bit. “Thanks, Tay.”

Taylor nodded, turning to grab his keys off the table. He walked by, patting Zac on the back as he went. They stood there until they heard the front door close and Taylor’s car start and then Sophia buried her face in Zac’s chest again, her arms tightening around his waist.

“We can make it through this, right?” She spoke quietly into his shirt. He ran his hands up and down her back, the only thing he could think of to even attempt to sooth her.

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “We’re gonna make it through this.”

―

The evening went by quickly, Sophia dozing off on and off on Zac’s lap as he mindlessly watched a show on Netflix, not really paying attention to it. There were so many things he needed to think about, not least of all what he would really do or feel if Sophia decided that she really didn’t want to keep this baby. The second he’d picked up that pregnancy test, it had been set in his mind; he wasn’t having one more new baby soon, he was having two. It took no more than that split second for his head to come to terms with the fact that he was going to be the father of Sophia’s baby, and he had a sinking feeling that it would take him a lot more than that to come to terms with the opposite.

There were hundreds of things that had kept them apart over their years together, and a hundred more things that kept them coming back to one another. The irony wasn’t lost on Zac that the thing that had pulled Sophia from him right when he thought they had finally gotten it right, might be the thing - albeit in a different way - that pushed them back together and finally kept them that way. Realizing that there was probably a lot more hanging on Sophia’s decision about what to do about the situation they’d found themselves in than just bringing a new life into this world made Zac’s heart beat a little faster. Would she stay if she chose to keep the baby? Would she even be able to if she chose not to? As always, Zac found he didn’t have any of the answers, meanwhile the questions were just multiplying, floating around in his head as if battling for space.

Zac didn’t realize that he’d fallen asleep, still sitting with Sophia’s head in his lap, until he felt her shaking him gently awake. It was dark in the room, the only light coming from the TV.

“Hey,” he said softly, running his hand over her arm lightly.

“Hey,” she repeated, pushing herself into a sitting position next to him. “It’s four in the morning.”

“Wow, we slept a long time,” Zac stretched his arms over his head and then reached for Sophia, pulling her into him. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay,” she turned her head up to look at him and smiled softly. “Sleep served me well.”

“Good,” he smiled back. “When you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen.”

“I’m ready,” she nodded just slightly. “I think, at least.”

“Okay, let’s talk.”

“Do you think I could maybe change first?” Sophia motioned at her clothes. She’d been sleeping in the same outfit she’d shown up in, it hadn’t even occurred to Zac to set her up in a bedroom or help make her comfortable until then.

“Of course, come on,” he patted her back and she sat up, Zac pushing himself up off the couch. “We’ll get you all set up in one of the kids rooms, it’s yours however long you need it.”

Sophia grabbed the carryon bag she’d taken on the plane with her and followed Zac up the stairs, stopping when he lead her to the bathroom.

“Can I-” she looked up at him. “Do you mind if I just sleep with you? I don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course,” he sighed, pulling her into a hug. “Honestly, me either.”

She pulled away a few seconds later, smiling up at him before disappearing into the bathroom and shutting the door behind her. Zac walked down the hallway to his bedroom, changing quickly into a pair of sweatpants, leaving his t-shirt from the day on. He cleaned up a little bit, shoving the dirty laundry in the hamper where it belonged instead of on the floor wherever he’d been standing when he’d taken it off. ‘In here,’ he called out when he heard the bathroom door open, smiling when she appeared in the doorway dressed in a pair of pajama pants and a tank top.

“Are you hungry? I could make something.”

She shook her head no and walked into the room, climbing onto the bed and sitting back against the headboard, watching as Zac settled down next to her.

“You know, in all of the years we’ve known each other and been in this exact position, it’s never been in your space. It was always mine or a neutral place. It feels kind of weird to be here.”

“You can be here for as long as you want,” Zac looked over at her, a small smile on his face.

“Yeah?” Sophia grinned, moving over a little so that their sides were touching.

“Yeah,” Zac replied, moving his arm so he could lace their fingers together. “I figure if we’re going to have a baby together, it only makes sense that you’d be here,” he leaned in and kissed her lightly on the cheek before backing up and looking her in the eyes. “Are we? Going to have a baby together?”

Sophia was quiet for a few seconds, her eyes not moving from Zac’s. He could tell she was thinking, and he wanted to ask her what exactly the thoughts going through her mind were, but he didn’t want to push her, he wanted her to come to her own conclusions and give them to him when she was ready. For once in his life, Zac just wanted to be Sophia’s support, nothing else.

“Yeah,” she nodded once, her mouth slowly turning up in a small smile. “I guess we are.”

Zac let out a sigh of relief, feeling his shoulders release tension he wasn’t even aware he was holding until it was gone. He wrapped his arm around Sophia’s shoulder, her head resting on his.

“What does that mean for us?” He asked, his fingers playing with the ends of her hair. “I’m not pushing you, I just-”

“Do you still want me?” she tilted her head to look at him.

“I’ve always wanted you,” he nodded. “You know that.”

“Well,” she grinned, nudging him and sitting back up. “I’m yours then,” she eye’d him for a second and he couldn’t quite read her face, and then she rolled her eyes, a sight he’d seen more times than he could count, poking him in the chest and chuckling as she said, “I always have been.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Zac sings is It's Always You by Kris Allen


	10. This Burning House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with a very sensitive topic involving pregnancy. 
> 
> Title and lyrics from This Burning House by EZA

_Had a dream about a burning house_   
_You were stuck inside, I couldn't get you out_   
_Laid beside you and pulled you close_   
_And the two of us went up in smoke_   
_Love isn't all that it seems, I did you wrong_   
_I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone_   
_I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night_   
_Trying to take what's lost and broken, make it right_   
_I've been sleep walking too close to the fire_   
_It's the only place that I can hold you tight_   
_In this burning house_

Zac

Zac couldn’t believe how easy the transition from Sophia not being there to her living in his home with him was. She showed up at the door looking lost one day and within just a couple of weeks, it almost felt like she’d been there with him all along.

The day after she’d shown up on the doorstep, they’d talked about their options. She could go back to Atlanta for a while, pack her things back up and they’d figure out when and how to get her and her belongings back to Tulsa. But, as they discussed it, the thought of Sophia _not_ being there for even a minute now that she was made Zac want to cling to her and never let her go, so they’d decided that she’d stay, they’d set her up with a doctor, and then they’d drive back to Atlanta together and get her things.

A week later they found themselves in a tiny doctors room in an OBGYN office that Zac wasn’t familiar with. He’d spent a lot of time at the OBGYN over the years, having already watched four of his kids be born, but Sophia had been adamant that they not go to the same doctor that Kate, and also Natalie, had seen, and Zac couldn’t say he blamed her. Natalie had asked a few friends and come up with a great doctor, one willing to take them in on short notice despite her full patient load.

Sophia had been nervous and unsure of what to expect, so Zac had spent the ride to the appointment holding her hand and assuring her that everything would go fine, it would be nothing. They’d filled out the paperwork, long, drawn out questions about family history and health, their heads close together, Sophia filling in the blanks neatly. Once they got into the room and Sophia was in the silly looking hospital gown, laying back on the bed waiting, it struck Zac that she was probably the most beautiful person he’d ever had the pleasure of knowing. He scooted his chair up to the side of the bed and took her hand, promising her that they’d get through this and come out the other side as strong as they could possibly be.

They’d found out that she was just over nine weeks pregnant, both of them doing the math quickly in their heads and realizing that it must have happened that very first night. Zac couldn’t help but be a little bit amused at the quickness of it all. Zac and Sophia were nothing together if they weren’t fast, reckless, and intense, why would this be any different?

The following week, Zac and Sophia settled into Zac’s truck to make the almost twelve hour drive to Atlanta. A little over six hours into the drive, Sophia suggested they pull over and give Zac a break, his refusal to let her drive even for an hour apparently causing her great concern. He refused, of course, making the entire trek in one shot save for the bathroom or refreshment stop here and there. When they pulled into Sophia’s driveway, they could see lights on inside and Zac watched as Sophia visibly sank into herself, the realization that she would have to have a conversation with Bailey hitting her.

She turned to Zac and frowned slightly, running a hand through her hair.

“Do you mind staying out here for a minute? I need to tell her you’re here before I spring you on her.”

“Of course,” Zac nodded, leaning over and kissing her quickly on the cheek. “Just call when you’re ready for me.”

“It’ll only be a minute,” Sophia said quietly, pushing her door open and stepping out of the car. Zac watched as she walked up the path and onto the porch, unlocking the door and stepping inside the house. He sighed, leaning back in his seat and grabbing his phone out of the center console. He hated the thought of Sophia facing any of this alone, but he was strongly aware that it wasn’t his place to get involved in things between her and Bailey. His presence wouldn’t help, if anything it would make things harder, and as far as he was concerned, Sophia had been through enough hardship at his hand. From here on out he wanted to do nothing but make her life better. He had a lot of making up to do.

He clicked his phone on and scrolled through his text messages, just one from Taylor telling him to let him know when they made it and one from Kate letting him know how the kids were doing. He responded to both and then stared at the phone, unsure of what to do next.

Curiosity had always gotten the best of Zac and out of the band he was always the one who spent time poking around on the internet, reading what people had to say. If he had to admit it, some of the far fetched things their fanbase came up with about their lives was entertaining. Sometimes they were so far off the mark that Zac wasn’t even sure how they landed there in the first place, and then other times they were almost a little too close to right for comfort.

He scrolled through some of the sites where he usually kept an eye on the chatter, not surprised to find that people were still talking about the dissolution of his marriage. It had been big talk since Zac had finally put a statement out a couple of weeks ago, his hand forced to air his personal life because of the fact that once the divorce was finalized it would be public record. There were sides to growing up in the public eye and staying that way into adulthood that Zac hated, and the world feeling entitled to know the things that happened inside his life was high on the light. He could just imagine what these same people on these same sites would say whenever his relationship with Sophia became public knowledge.

It caused an ache deep down inside him to know that her hurting because of him wouldn’t truly be over any time soon. Even if he never made another mistake for the rest of their lives, he knew that eventually people would find out about them and they’d write nasty, hurtful things about her online. They’d analyze every little detail about her, they’d use words like ‘homewrecker’ and ‘mistress’ and just the idea of her seeing those things written and having them be directed at her made his stomach twist up. Knowing that there was nothing he could do to protect her from it only made the feeling intensify, a small throbbing forming at his temples. He knew it wouldn’t go away with time, either. He knew they’d live with it for the rest of their lives, if Hanson fans were anything, it was persistent with a story. They were still talking about Taylor and Natalie and some of their conspiracy theories as if the two of them just got married last year. As if she could sense that he needed her, just to see her face, the front door of the house opened and she stepped out onto the porch, walking slowly to the car. Zac tossed his phone down onto the passenger seat and stepped out, meeting her halfway and wrapping her up in a tight hug.

“How’d it go?”

“Okay,” she leaned back and smiled up at him. “She was a little shocked. There might have been some tears shed, I wont say if they were from her or me.”

“I’m going to guess, both,” Zac smiled back, leaning down and kissing her on the forehead. “Come on, let’s get you inside, it’s getting cold.”

Zac took her hand and lead her back into the house, hit instantly by all of the memories they shared within those walls. He could see pieces of them scattered everywhere, like a puzzle that had been waiting all these years to be finally complete.

Bailey came out of the bedroom, a look on her face that Zac couldn’t read. There wasn’t a lot of history between the two of them personally, but there was enough history otherwise that he’d never really blamed her for how she felt about him. He assumed if he were in her position, he’d hate him too. He stepped forward a couple of feet and cleared his throat.

“Bailey, I know you must be-” she held her hand up and shook her head, closing the gap between them in a few long strides. Her arms were around him, his own hugging her back without him even putting a thought into it. She squeezed him just a little and then took a step back. There were tears forming in her eyes and Zac still couldn’t read her.

“Congratulations,” she said softly, motioning towards Sophia’s midsection. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you,” Zac nodded, completely thrown off by her. He’d expected yelling, angry tears, maybe even a couple of punches thrown at him, but he never expected this.

“I mean it,” Bailey shrugged, smiling softly. “You two have been through-” she blinked a few times, looking down at the floor in between them before looking back up at Zac. “You both deserve some happiness.”

Sophia moved forward, wrapping herself around Bailey and dropping her forehead to her shoulder, “you have no idea what that means to me.”

“I hope you have a guest room,” Bailey laughed, backing up from Sophia and wiping at her eyes. “Because I’m going to be visiting all the time.”

“I think we can arrange that,” Zac grinned, taking Sophia’s wrist and pulling her gently towards him. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. “I’m going to take care of her,” he looked Bailey in the eyes. “I promise, I’m not going to fuck it up this time.”

“You better not,” Bailey laughed again. “Going to prison for the murder of a rock star doesn’t sound like something I want to do anytime soon.”

—

It took Sophia all of a half an hour to decide that she was only taking what she absolutely needed with her and Bailey could keep the rest. They’d packed everything she’d chosen into three boxes and then spent the rest of the night on the couch, Bailey on the loveseat, just chatting about how life was about to change for all of them. Sophia was going to be a mom, Bailey was going to be in Atlanta without Sophia for the first time in their lives, and Zac was finally going to have what felt like the right life for him.

“Are you guys talking about like-” Bailey waved a hand in front of her face, almost looking like she didn’t want to ask whatever was on her mind. “Getting married?”

“We haven’t,” Sophia shrugged. “It’s honestly not important to-”

“It’s important to me,” Zac spoke up, Sophia turning to look at him, one eyebrow raised.

“Is it?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Of course it is.”

“I-” Sophia shook her head, and Zac could tell there were things she wanted to say, but she was holding back. “I just didn’t know it was that important to you.”

“I call maid of honor!” Bailey clapped her hands together, breaking the slight tension that had built in the room. Sophia turned to her and grinned.

“As if there would ever be another choice.”

About an hour later, they all decided it was time to turn in for the night, Sophia and Zac having another 12 hour drive to start on in the morning. Bailey set herself up on the couch and bid them goodnight as they retreated into Sophia’s room.

“It’s weird,” Sophia said as they slid underneath the sheets. “To think that this is the last night I’ll be spending in this room.”

“I’m sure you’ll come to visit,” Zac said, sliding an arm underneath her. “Maybe we’ll even come together.”

“Yeah,” Sophia smiled. “Maybe.”

“Are you ready for this?” Zac moved closer, his other hand landing on Sophia’s still flat stomach. “It’s a big change.”

“I’m ready,” Sophia leaned in and kissed him lightly. “I know it’s huge, but,” she shook her head, bringing her hand up to his cheek. “This is all I’ve ever wanted, and it’s finally happening. Maybe not in the most conventional way but-”

“But, when have we ever been conventional?” Zac grinned.

—

When Zac woke up the sun was streaming in through the half closed blinds and it was bright enough that he knew it was time to get up and start their day. When he turned his head to see Sophia sleeping there, her back to him, he smiled, knowing that he was going to get to wake up to that view every day for the rest of his life.

He slid over on the bed, pulling the blanket over them and sliding his arm around her waist, “time to wake up,” he said into her ear, his lips landing just underneath it.

“Five more minutes,” she mumbled, leaning into him.

“How about ten?” He murmured against her skin, his hand sliding in between her legs.

“I have morning breath,” she warned, turning slowly onto her back and smiling at him.

He shook his head and laughed softly, moving so he was over her.

“Who cares about a little morning breath?” He leaned his head down and kissed her. “This is the first day of the rest of our lives.”

—

It was lucky for Zac that he’d never been uncomfortable around tears, because a lot of them were shed before him and Sophia left the house to head back to Tulsa. If he were being completely honest, watching Bailey and Sophia clutch each other as if one of them were being sent off to war with no return in sight my have brought a few tears of his own.

When they got in the car, each of them buckling themselves in, Zac leaned back in his seat, rolling his head to the side to look at Sophia. He reached over and took her hand, smiling at her.

“You sure you want to do this?”

“What?” She looked back at him. “Of course I’m sure.”

“I’m just saying, it’s not too late yet. If you don’t want to leave her, we don’t have to back out of the driveway. I wont hold it against you.”

Sophia rolled her eyes and squeezed his hand, leaning over the center console to lay a kiss on his mouth.

“And how exactly would we raise this baby together if I stayed here?”

“You only want me for my stellar parenting skills,” Zac grinned, pulling his hand from hers and putting the car in reverse.

“Right,” Sophia chuckled. “You got me.”

—

Somewhere right around Little Rock, Sophia turned to Zac and put her hand on his arm.

“Pull over.”

“What?” He glanced over at her before glancing back out at the highway in front of him.

“Pull over,” she repeated, her hand falling from his arm to the center console.

“Do you need to-”

“I don’t care where you pull over,” she said. “Right here is fine.”

She put her hand on the wheel and turned it to the left so that the car moved sharply to the shoulder of the highway.

“What the hell?” Zac breathed, putting the car in park and turning to look at her. “Are you trying to kill us?”

“No,” she shook her head, taking her seatbelt off and moving so she was on her knees, sitting on her calves, and facing him. “Suddenly I just really needed to…” she shook her head and leaned forward, wrapping her arms tightly around him and kissing him slowly.

They stayed like that for a while, their lips moving slowly together, the sound of the cars on the road whizzing past them. If Zac was thinking about anything aside from the overwhelming amount of happiness he was feeling in that moment, he might have laughed at what the other drivers were thinking as they glanced over at the car on their way by.

Sophia pulled back, resting her forehead against Zac’s. He ran his hand up her back, landing it on the back of her neck, his fingers sliding into her hair.

“What was that for?”

“I’ve spent so many years thinking that I was waiting for you,” she pulled back a little bit, looking in his eyes. “But, you were waiting for me too…weren’t you?”

Zac nodded, a smile taking over his face, “I was prepared to wait forever if I had to.”

—

They didn’t make it home until close to midnight. They were both so tired that they left all of Sophia’s belongings along with their overnight bag in the truck, just pulling it into the garage and pledging to deal with it tomorrow. They made it up the stairs and collapsed onto the bed side by side, their fingers linking with each others.

“This is going to sound like a stupid question,” Sophia turned onto her side and looked at Zac.

“No such thing as a stupid question,” he yawned, brushing her hair out of her face.

“Is this bed - well, is it the same bed that…” Sophia trailed off and Zac instantly knew what she was getting at.

“It is.”

“We’re going bed shopping tomorrow,” Sophia grinned. “I’ll buy.”

—

Bed shopping turned to a complete redecorating of the house. They bought cans of paint, new curtains, rugs, and almost anything else you could imagine needing to completely transform your home without knocking it down and starting over.

There were, in fact, several times over the next two weeks they spent painting and reorganizing where Zac had suggested just that. He pointed out that it might be less stressful to just buy a new house and move. But, when Sophia turned from where she was standing, rolling a fresh coat of paint over the living room wall, a little bit of it on her face, and she smiled, shaking her head, and said, ‘no, this is our home,” he decided that he couldn’t picture them anywhere else.

—

Sophia fit seamlessly into Zac’s life. In every aspect from at home to with his family, it was almost like she’d been there all along. As the weeks went by, days piling one on top of the other, Sophia’s belly growing a little bit, Zac was reminded that what he’d thought all along was the truth. Sophia was the thing missing from his life that was keeping him from being truly happy, and now that she was there, he was sure that the rest of his days were going to be spent with the warm, full feeling he’d had since she’d arrived on his doorstep.

The first time he’d brought Sophia to meet the rest of the family he could feel the nerves radiating off of her. There was a point where she looked like she was one second from jumping out of the moving vehicle on the way, but from the second she’d stepped into the door, everyone had gone out of their way to make her feel at home. They asked about her life, and they listened to her answers with interest. Despite the way they had been sure that Natalie would hold Sophia at arms length with a bit of loyal disdain, she’d seemingly decided instead to take Sophia under her wing, sitting outside at the patio table with her and chatting when she’d needed some air, inviting her along on shopping trips. Zac knew that she was still close with Kate, and he would never blame her for that, but he grew an appreciation for her he didn’t know was missing watching the way she cared for and fostered the person he’d chosen.

When Zac realized that for the first time in his life he had something that he’d chosen, he’d made a silent promise to himself that he would never do anything to put them in jeopardy again. All of their starts and stops had been because of him, at his own hand, and he knew that he was going to be responsible for keeping them together this time.

—

A little more than three months after Sophia moved in, Christmas rolled around. In the weeks leading up to the holiday, Zac had found himself a little wistful and a bit more than a little full of a bittersweet feeling. There he was, finally with the thing he’d always wanted, and now - in his humble opinion - the best time of the year was upon them and his children were twelve hours away in another state. Sophia had been the one to suggest Kate and the kids come to Tulsa to spend the holiday with the family, and shockingly to Zac, when he broached the subject to Kate, she was all about it.

They’d arrived in Tulsa at the same time as the first snowfall of the year, and maybe a little awkwardly at first, Zac, Sophia, and Kate had spent the evening taking the kids sledding along with Taylor and Natalie and their brood. By the time everyone was sufficiently soaking wet and covered in icy bits of snow, Zac felt like maybe they could make some normalcy out of this after all. Maybe not everyones idea of normalcy, but one that fit them.

When they’d climbed into bed that night, Sophia laying on her back with Zac’s hand on her growing stomach, she’d turned her head towards him and smiled.

“I like her.”

“Yeah,” Zac looked at her and smiled back. “She’s a good woman.”

“I’m glad we did this,” Sophia yawned, resting her head on Zac’s shoulder. “This weekend will be great.”

“Of course it will,” Zac pressed a kiss to her forehead. “It’s Christmas.”

—

The next day Sophia had an appointment, a normal checkup for her and the baby, and she’d insisted that Zac stay home and finish wrapping the kids gifts. He hadn’t missed an appointment yet, and he was adamant that he didn’t want to start now, but she’d promised him that he’d be far more use there, getting the things they needed done, than he would be sitting by the bed and holding her hand while she did the same thing they always did at these appointments.

“Make sure you bring home a print out of the ultrasound!” He’d called to her back as she walked out the door. He watched as she climbed into his truck that was just a little bit too big for her and smiled, retreating back into the living room and the mess of wrapping paper and colored bows that were taking over their living space.

Taylor dropped by about an hour after Sophia had left, tossing his keys on the coffee table and dropping himself onto the couch.

“Natalie doesn’t let me within ten feet of her wrapping station,” he grinned, nodding at the gift Zac had just poorly wrapped. “That’s probably why.”

“I’m doing my best,” Zac chuckled, dropping the tape dispenser to the ground and stretching his body out, his arms placed behind him on the floor, legs splayed out in front of him. “What brings you here?”

“I was sent with a message,” Taylor rolled his eyes slightly. “I know we were doing Christmas here this year, what with all of your home renovations, but I guess Natalie and Kate had a talk and everyone has come to the conclusion that our place is probably a better idea this time around.”

“Ah,” Zac nodded. “I get that. I wish Kate had just said something to me the other day.”

“She feels uncomfortable,” Taylor shrugged. “She’s practically walking on eggshells around my place, afraid her and the kids are a huge burden.”

“The kids could stay here, there’s really no reason to shove four more into your house when you’ve already got five that live there.”

“I did bring that up, Natalie told me to mind my business. As if the amount of constant shrieking and juice spills in my kitchen aren’t my business.”

“You must be going out of your mind,” Zac laughed. “Ezra been locked in his room since they arrived?”

“I almost forgot he existed,” Taylor grinned. “So, you’re fine with it? I can spread the word to the rest of the family?”

“Yeah, of course. Whatever makes Kate more comfortable. I’m sure Sophia wont mind. There’s always next year.”

“Where is she, anyway?”

“Doctors appointment. She insisted I stay here and finish this up,” Zac shrugged. “I think she’s a little stressed over her first Hanson Family Christmas.

“Can’t say I blame her,” Taylor laughed, standing up and grabbing his keys. “I better hit the grocery store, Natalie’s up to her neck in baking.”

Minutes after Taylor walked out the door, Zac heard it open and shut again as he was folding the paper on the last gift in the pile.

“Forget something?” He asked, assuming it was Taylor again, but when he looked up to see Sophia standing in the opening to the living room, the look on her face made his blood run cold. “Soph,” he pulled himself to his feet and walked towards her. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

She shook her head, her breath coming out in short, jagged spurts. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her towards him, speaking quietly into her ear when her arms didn’t return his hold.

“Talk to me, babe. What’s going on?”

“She’s…” The second a sound came out of Sophia’s mouth she devolved into a fully blown sob. Her shoulders were shaking, her forehead pressed to Zac’s chest, arms still firmly down by her side. “She was a she…a girl. The baby, she was-” Sophia sucked a breath in, causing herself to choke a bit. Zac could feel every part of his body go cold all at once, his heart might have stopped beating, he wasn’t completely sure. He tried to put words together, form a sentence, ask Sophia to explain herself. But, the only thing he could force out of his mouth was the one word.

“What?” He asked quietly, his hands still on her back.

“The doctor, she couldn’t…there was nothing, the heartbeat, it wasn’t there. It wasn’t there and then they did the ultrasound and…and…”

Zac felt Sophia’s body loosen up, her limbs suddenly deciding that they couldn’t do the work of holding her up anymore. He kept his arms around her, the both of them lowering to the floor underneath them. Sophia pulled away from him, dropping her head into her hands. They sat there in silence except for the sounds of Sophia’s grief filling the room around them. A cold numbness was hanging over Zac, rendering him useless to do anything for either of them.

Zac could feel that too many minutes were ticking by while he sat on the hardwood floor of his living room staring at the woman he loved nearly howl in pain. He shook his head once, silently telling him to pull it together - for her - and he reached out for her, putting his hand on her shoulder.

Her head snapped up, eyes finally meeting his for the first time since she’d walked in the door. She jerked back, shaking her head sharply.

“Don’t.”

“Soph-”

“No,” she said through gritted teeth. “Just don’t.”

Zac watched as she pushed herself off the floor and made her way to the stairs, taking them slowly. Seconds later he heard the bedroom door shut, and suddenly - somehow - with that sound, the numbness faded, the entire world crumbling around him.

—

It was two in the morning before Sophia left the bedroom. Zac had tried to go up a little after her, but she’d locked the door, asking him from the other side to just please leave her alone. He’d sat up on the couch, staring at the empty television screen, the most helpless he’d ever felt.

“It’s Christmas,” she said in a monotone voice as she sat down on the other end of the couch, her eyes on the floor.

“Yeah,” he said, wanting to ask her to just look at him, to let him be there, to not shut him out. But, he couldn’t.

“I’m going to stay home today, if you don’t mind.”

“I’ll stay with you, I want to-”

“No,” she looked at up him.

“Soph, I don’t-”

“No,” she said again, her mouth barely moving. “I want to be alone, Zac.”

He knew it shouldn’t, he even knew it was a little bit selfish, but the fact that she didn’t want him with her while she was hurting felt like someone pouring salt into an open wound. Ever since she’d gotten home that day he’d been craving her. Her touch, her comfort, just her mere presence to give him any semblance of being okay. The knowledge that in a time where he felt he needed her next to him the most, she didn’t want him next to her, was a stabbing, stinging, almost unbearable pain.

“Okay,” he said quietly, looking away from her.

“I just need some time,” she said, standing back up. “I’m going back to bed.”

“Do you want me to come?”

She looked at him for a second and then shook her head gently and turned and made her way up the stairs.

He’d thought it was all in his hands. He thought he could protect them and keep them together if he just tried the best he could, but apparently his best still wasn’t good enough.

—

Zac was in the kitchen making coffee when Sophia came downstairs, hair mussed and bathrobe pulled around her. He took another mug down from the cabinet and filled them both up, fixing hers the way she liked and sliding it across the counter towards where Sophia stood.

“Merry Christmas, babe,” he smiled the best he could, despite the fact that her eyes were on the counter and not him.

“Thanks,” she wrapped her hands around the coffee mug and brought it to her face, blowing on it’s contents.

Zac took a sip of his own coffee, his eyes trained on her face, begging her with his mind to just look at him. He was sure that if she just looked at him for one second, she’d remember that they were in this together, that he was hurting, too.

“I have to go back,” she said quietly, still looking into her coffee cup. “I have to…” she shook her head, her eyebrows drawing together, her last words coming out in a whisper, “they have to make me deliver her.”

“Soph,” Zac said softly, frowning. He’d never considered what came next, all he could think about was now.

“I’m too far along, I’m…” she shook her head again, her voice was low and even, almost no emotion in it at all. “They said at 21 weeks it’s not even a miscarriage anymore. It’s considered a stillborn.”

Zac walked around the counter and stopped next to her, his hand hovering over her shoulder. He stood there for a second and then shook his head, he was going to help her through this, she had to let him. He took her coffee cup gently out of her hands and placed it out the counter, turning her body slowly and wrapping her up in his arms. The second her face was in his chest, it was like she’d let go of the thick wrapping holding her together, keeping her so stiff. She deflated in his arms, her whole body shaking with the sobs coursing through her.

“This is karma,” she said into his chest. “This is punishment, Zac.”

“What? No, Soph. It’s not, it’s just-”

“Don’t tell me that sometimes these things happen. If one more person tells me that, I swear to God, Zac. I will light this whole fucking city on fire.”

There weren’t too many times over his life that Zac found himself at a loss for words, unable to come up with something to say for any situation. If he thought about it at all, almost every time it had ever happened to him had been with Sophia.

“I’m hurting too,” he finally said, one hand moving up and ending it’s path at her cheek. “I’m dying inside too, Soph. We need to just deal with this together…like we said we would at the beginning.”

She shook her head, wiping at her tears with the back of her hand. She pulled herself out of his grasp and walked to the doorway of the kitchen, stopping and turning back to look at him.

“Do you want honesty? We should go right to honesty, right?” Her voice was shaking, Zac’s hands itching to reach out for her. “I know you’re probably hurting. I know that your heart-” she sniffled, frowning and finally looking him in the eyes. “Is probably broken right now. But, all I can think about. All I can see in my mind every time I close my god damn eyes, Zac? The _only_ thing I know is that in two weeks time, you’re going to have a baby, and it’s not this one,” she put her hand on her stomach, her words coming out in shallow breaths through the tears that were now coming without pause. “Aren’t you all about fate and karma, Zac? Isn’t that you? Well, if this isn’t karma, I don’t know what is,” she raised her arms and then let them fall back down to her sides. “This is my atonement for sleeping with someone else's husband,” she dug the heels of her palms into her eyes and let out a groan, shaking her head. “Honestly, Zac? I can’t even _look_ at you. It fucking hurts too much.”

She turned quickly and walked out of the kitchen, leaving him standing there, realizing suddenly that he had tears of his own that needed to be wiped away. He wanted to call out to her, drag her back downstairs, make her talk this out with him, but he couldn’t. The only thing he could do was let her walk away, give her the space she was clearly asking him for.

He spent some time walking around the house and cleaning up, packing the gifts he’d have to bring over to Taylor’s into a few bags and putting them in his truck. He made lunch and piled some on to a plate for Sophia, bringing it upstairs, surprised when he turned the knob and it was unlocked.

“Made you something to eat,” he said softly, walking over to the bed and sitting down on the edge of it. He held the plate out for her to see and she reluctantly took it from him, drawing her legs up and balancing it on them.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

They sat in silence while she picked at the food on her plate, putting small bites of it into her mouth. Zac had heard things about silence being loud before, but he’d never experienced it quite like this. With every second that passed, the tension seemed to grow and grow until the pressure in his ears was at bursting levels. When he couldn’t take it anymore he slid further onto the bed, resting his back against the headboard next to Sophia. He let out a sigh and then turned his head to look at her.

“Where do we go from here?” He asked quietly, reaching out and brushing her hair back.

“I don’t know,” she looked at him and frowned.

“If we have to go through this…I want to do it together. I need you, I’ve always needed you. But, now? Now I really need you, Soph. Don’t shut me out.”

She looked at him for a second and then picked up her plate, leaning over and placing it on the table by the bed. She moved closer to him and put her head on his shoulder, her arm wrapping around his waist.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m taking it out on you. It’s not your fault.”

He let out a sigh of relief, his arm winding around her, “it’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” she shook her head against him. “I’m acting like you did this to me - us - and you didn’t.”

“You’re in pain,” He smoothed her hair down and kissed the top of her head. “You’re not doing anything wrong.”

“Did you sleep last night?” She pulled back, putting a hand on his cheek. “You don’t look like you slept.”

“Barely a wink,” he frowned. “I spent the entire night forcing myself not to come up here and attach myself to you.”

“Thank you for giving me my space,” she let go of his cheek, dropping her hand onto his and sliding her fingers in between his. “What time do you have to be at Taylor’s?”

“Not until six, you sure you don’t want to come? Being out might make you feel better, at least for a little while.”

“No,” she shook her head. “I don’t think I can do it tonight,” she frowned. “I’m sorry. Our first Christmas together, really together, and I’m-”

“You’re not doing anything,” Zac shook his head. “You’re taking care of yourself.”

“Please don’t tell them. Not tonight.”

“I won’t. We’ll tell them when you’re ready,” he squeezed her hand. “I’m following your lead here.”

“Lay down with me?” She smiled softly, sliding down the headboard and laying her head on the pillow. “Let’s get some sleep before you have to go.”

Zac smiled and nodded, sliding down on the bed next to her. She turned her body so he could wrap himself around her, his hands finding hers and tangling their fingers together. She slid her leg through his, turning her head to look back at him and smiling.

“We’ll figure it out, right?” She said quietly.

“Yeah,” he smiled, kissing her quickly before placing his head back down on the pillow, pulling her even closer to him. “We always do.”

—

They ended up sleeping a little too long, Zac showing up at Taylor’s forty five minutes after he was supposed to. He fielded questions about Sophia’s absence for a while, telling everyone that she was sick and in bed.

Zac watched the kids open their gifts, their pure joy calming his aching heart enough that he could focus on what he had for a moment instead of what he lost. That was until the thought that his and Sophia’s baby would never do this. He’d never watch them - her - open Christmas gifts surrounded by brothers and sisters and cousins. His thoughts started to settle down on him like a fog he couldn’t shake, all of the conflicting emotions inside of him becoming too much for him to handle in a room full of his family on Christmas.

He stood and slipped out of the room as silently as he could, making his way throughout Taylor’s house and towards the front door, pulling his jacket around him once he’d stepped into the cold air. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and sat down on the bottom step, turning the phone on and calling Sophia.

It rang a handful of times and then went to voicemail and he felt better knowing that she was probably curled up in their bed at home sleeping instead of dwelling on their loss like he was. He placed the phone down next to him and dropped his head, relishing in the quiet. The silence was broken, however, a few seconds later when he door behind him opened and then shut. He turned to see Taylor walking down the steps with two beers in his hands.

“You look like you could use one of these,” he said, holding one out to Zac as he lowered himself to sit next to him. “Wanna talk about it?”

“I can’t,” Zac tipped the beer to his lips and took a long sip. “I want to, but I can’t.”

“Wanna drink about it?” Taylor chuckled, taking a sip of his own beer.

“You have no idea,” Zac shook his head. “I shouldn’t do that either, though.”

“Well, if you change your mind, you know I always have your back.”

“I know,” Zac said, looking over at Taylor. The look of care on his face breaking something inside of Zac. He looked down at his knees and squeezed his eyes shut, silently telling himself that now was not the time to cry.

“Whoa,” Taylor breathed. “What is it? Seriously, man, what’s going on?”

“The baby, Tay,” Zac covered his face with his hand. “She’s gone.”

“What?” Taylor put a hand on Zac’s back. “What do you mean the baby-”

“They’re calling it a stillbirth,” the tears were coming now and no amount of reasoning with himself would stop them, so he didn’t even try. “Which is laughable considering there hasn’t been a birth,” he scoffed. “Sophia is a wreck, she’s blaming herself. Saying it’s some payback from the universe for our relationship.”

“She must know inside that it’s not her fault,” Taylor spoke, his hand still on Zac’s back. “These things just-”

“Don’t ever say that to her,” Zac laughed, but there was no humor in it. “She doesn’t want to hear that, something about lighting everything on fire the next time she does.”

Taylor let out a deep sigh and lifted his beer to his mouth again. He moved his hand from Zac’s back to his knee, tapping out a silent rhythm. Zac had thought he’d wanted to come outside and be alone, but suddenly having Taylor just sitting there beside him, just his presence, gave him some iota of peace.

“You know,” Taylor spoke quietly. “I know it’s not exactly the same, but we’ve dealt with loss too. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to have Natalie go over and talk to her.”

“She’s not ready for that,” Zac shook his head. “She’s barely talking to me. We’re just getting our shit together, you know?” Zac turned his head, looking at Taylor. “Everything was finally falling into place after all this time, and now this,” he looked back at Taylor, just letting his tears fall freely now. “Losing the baby is killing me. I don’t know how or if I’ll recover, but Tay. What if I lose her, too?”

“You won’t,” Taylor shook his head, patting Zac on the back one more time. He stood up and finished his beer. “You two have never wanted anything but each other, now that you’ve got that, it’ll all be fine. You’ll make it through this,” Taylor held his hand out to help Zac up. “Come on, let’s get back in there before mom sends a search party.”

—

Zac walked in the door a little before midnight, the only light in the house the glow from the Christmas tree in the living room. Sophia was curled up on the couch, a blanket wrapped around her, looking so peaceful that it was hard to believe that what had happened to them was real.

Zac shrugged off his jacket, hanging it on the coat rack by the door and dropped his keys on the small table nearby. He toed his shoes off and walked to the couch, running a hand over Sophia’s head to smooth her hair down. As gently as he could, he squeezed his body into the small space behind hers on the couch and wrapped his arms around her, kissing the side of her head.

“Zac?” She whispered, turning her head to face him. “What time is it?”

“Almost midnight,” he smiled, moving her hair out of her face again and gently pulling her shoulder so she turned her body to face him.

“Did you have fun?”

“It was okay,” he nodded. “How are you feeling?”

“The same,” she shrugged one shoulder, nuzzling her head into his shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m just here for you right now,” he smiled again, moving his head forward to kiss the corner of her mouth. “I can deal with my feelings later. You wanna go up to bed?”

“No,” Sophia smiled, moving closer to him so that her head was tucked between his shoulder and his chin. “Let’s just stay here tonight.”

“Okay,” Zac smiled into her hair. “Whatever you want, you got it.”

—

“Zac. Zac!”

Zac opened his eyes to see Sophia leaning over him, her hand shaking his shoulder.

“Hmm?” He moved his hair away from his eyes and blinked a couple of times, her face coming into focus.

“Your phone,” she said, motioning towards his legs. “It’s been ringing and vibrating, _how_ do you sleep through everything?”

“I-” he shook his head and shoved his hand into his pocket, pulling his phone out. “Sorry, I guess I’m just tired.”

“Well, who was it? It rang forever. I couldn’t dig it out of those pants, they’re tighter than mine, honestly.”

Zac chuckled and clicked his phone screen on, seeing a mass of missed calls, all only seconds apart from one another. Before he could even answer, the screen turned to an incoming call again and Zac flashed the screen to Sophia.

“Natalie,” he said, shrugging and hitting the accept button, “Hey.”

“It’s four in the morning,” Sophia grumbled, pulling herself off the couch and disappearing into the kitchen.

Natalie explained to Zac why she was calling, hanging up with barely a goodbye. He stood up, pacing back and forth for a few seconds before Sophia came back into the room with a glass of water.

“Why are you doing that?” She asked, walking back to the couch and sitting down.

“I, um-” Zac closed his eyes and then walked to the couch, sitting down next to her. “Kate, she’s…she’s at the hospital. She’s in labor.”

Zac watched Sophia tighten her jaw, her eyes moving from his face to somewhere over his shoulder.

“Oh,” she said quietly, taking a sip of her water.

“I don’t have to-”

“Go,” she looked at him again and nodded her head once.

“Soph, I can stay here for a while, I don’t have to get up and run there right now, I’m sure it’s going to be a little-”

“Zac,” Sophia spoke a little louder, putting her glass of water down on the coffee table with more force than necessary. “Just go.”

“Can we talk about this first?” He picked his hands up and then dropped them to his thighs. “I don’t want you to be-”

“I’m not!” She stood up. “I’m not anything, okay? Can you please, please just go? You need to be there.”

“Okay,” he nodded, standing up. “Okay, you’re right. I’ll, um-” he walked over to the coat rack, pulling his coat down and putting it on. “I’ll be back and we’ll talk and-” he shook his head walking over to her and putting his hands on her shoulders. “I’ll be back, okay?”

She nodded once, turning her head so that his lips landed on her cheek when he leaned in to kiss her. She pulled her shoulders from his grip and walked towards the stairs, turning to look at him before making her way up them.

“Congratulations,” she smiled. “I’m happy for you.”

—

Zac had never felt such a mix of euphoria and despondency before, until that day he wasn’t even aware it was a possibility to have the two battling emotions exist on the same plane in such intensity.

He understood what a horrible person it made him, but every time he closed his eyes in that delivery room he pictured Sophia occupying the spot Kate currently was, painfully aware that she wouldn’t be there anytime soon, maybe not ever.

They’d chosen not to find out if the baby was a girl or a boy this time, and when the doctor cheerfully shouted, “it’s a girl!” Zac felt his heart break into millions of jagged pieces and he wasn’t sure if it was for himself, or for the girl he’d left at home to come be with the girl he’d left a long time ago, longer than they ever really acknowledged, while she bore his child.

When the baby was placed in his arms, he cried. Happy tears mixed with tears of pure, raging hot sadness, and he didn’t know what to do with all of that emotion, so instead of doing anything with it at all, he just smiled down at Kate, whispering that she was perfect, and she was.

He’d stayed at the hospital for a few hours, watching his family pass their new member around, everyone cooing and oohing and ahhing just the way you’d expect. When his mom looked over at him with pride and mentioned it wouldn’t be long until the next newest member of the family joined this little one, Zac didn’t miss the look on Taylor’s face that almost - but not quite - matched the feeling of a knife plunging into Zac’s heart.

When he walked back into the house, sometime around ten in the morning, it was silent, not a single sound to indicate that anyone else was there, and for a second he felt a flash of panic roll through him, the thought that Sophia had taken the opportunity to leave while he was gone feeling so real, that when he heard a sound from upstairs he actually laughed - not because it was funny, but because the relief he felt wash over him was so palpable that it almost had a color.

He took the steps two at a time, the urge to wrap all of Sophia up in all of him making him almost itchy for her, he couldn’t even place a name on all of the emotions running through him, the only thing he was absolutely sure of at that moment was that he needed her.

When he rounded the corner into their bedroom, he stopped in his tracks, the sight of her standing at the end of their bed, fully dressed, a suitcase opened and mostly full on top of the bed making his blood run cold.

“Soph?”

She turned to look at him and he watched as she let out a breath, looking from him then back to her suitcase. She reached out, her hand trembling, and pulled the top closed, sliding the zipper shut. She pulled the suitcase from the bed, settling it on it’s wheels on the floor and then she turned back to him.

“I can’t,” she said quietly. “I thought I could, but I can’t.”

“You can’t?” Zac took a step towards her, stopping when he saw the way her shoulders tensed. “What are you-”

“I can’t do it,” she shook her head. “Last night…this morning, it felt like things could be okay, that _we_ could be okay. But, we can’t. _I_ can’t.”

“Sophia,” he cursed himself for the way his voice cracked on her name, closing the gap in between them in two steps.

“I’ve been up since you left,” her voice trembled, her eyes falling to his chest. “And I couldn’t stop thinking about how sad I was. Not just because of the baby - _our_ baby - but because of your baby. Your new baby with her,” she brought a hand up to her face to wipe away her tears. “I shouldn’t feel that way. That’s not fair, none of this is fair. Not to me, not to you, not to her. But, especially not to us.”

She looked back up at him, an audible sob rolling through her, she reached out and put her palms on his chest, the broken look on her face breaking the last thread holding Zac together.

“I am never going to be able to look at that baby and not think of the one we were supposed to have. I’m never going to be able to bond with-” she shook her head. “What…what did it turn out to be?”

“A girl,” Zac whispered.

“Oh God,” she shook her head, dropping it so that her forehead was against him. “I love you,” she whispered. “But, I can’t be with you anymore,” she pulled away from him, grabbing the handle on her suitcase and rolling it to the door of the bedroom.

“Sophia, don’t do this.”

“I have to,” she turned back to him. “For the both of us. It’ll never be the same again, and we can’t pretend that it will. We’ve overcome a lot, but not this,” she shook her head. “Not this.”

“What am I supposed to do? I can’t change anything.”

“Let me go,” she shrugged, smiling just slightly. “If you love me, you just have to let me go. Please.”

Something in her words, in her voice, opened a door inside of Zac, clarity washing over him like a cold rain. He’d made a deal with himself that he’d never hurt her again, and if this is what she needed for him to follow through on that deal, this was what he had to do for her. His own feelings didn’t matter, not anymore, not when it came to her.

“Okay,” he nodded, not bothering with his own face, she could see the tears, he had nothing left to hide from her. “If that’s what you need.”

She nodded, crossing the room quickly and wrapping her arms around his middle, her face buried in his chest.

“We were good,” she said. “Let’s try to remember that.”

She leaned up and kissed him quickly and then turned away, walking across the room and grabbing her suitcase and pulling it out the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter to this story, the upcoming chapter is an epilogue. Thank you to everyone who has read and given me feedback.
> 
> There will be an alternate ending posted soon.


	11. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the epilogue I had planned, I actually dreamed this and decided I liked the idea of exactly this happening to Sophia, so I hope you all like it too.

Sophia

It had been a long eight months since Sophia had been back home in Atlanta. It took her over a month before she’d leave her bed for anything more than food, water, or the bathroom. Six weeks went by before she could hold a conversation with Bailey, an end brought to that when Bailey had finally come home one night and sat down at the edge of Sophia’s bed, taking her hand in her own and telling her she absolutely was not leaving that spot until Sophia talked to her. 

They laid in bed for hours that night, Bailey’s arms wrapped around Sophia as she cried into Bailey’s shoulder.

“Do you still love him?” Bailey had whispered somewhere around two in the morning.

“Yes.”

“You should be with him, Sophie.”

“I can’t,” Sophia had shaken her head against Bailey. “There’s too much loss now. We can’t go back to before.”

He’d called - a handful of times here and there before he seemed to realize that Sophia had meant it this time. They’d overcome so much in all of their years, they’d practically dug into the earth to be together, fought against everything thrown at them to keep them apart, but the baby was just too much to withstand - for Sophia, at least. Every time she closed her eyes she could see his face the day they found out that their baby had died inside of her, and he’d told her - he’d sworn that he didn’t place any of the blame on her, but why wouldn’t he? She had one job to keep their baby safe until she made her way into the world, and she couldn’t even do that. It didn’t matter how many times the doctors, or Zac, or anyone else told her that it was nothing she had done wrong, that sometimes these things just happen, she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to stop blaming herself. Having Zac look at her and love her was something she wouldn’t allow herself to have, she couldn’t. 

But something had snapped in Sophia eight months after coming home. She’d woken up one day and realized that maybe she could never be exactly what Zac needed, maybe she couldn’t even be exactly what she needed, but she could be something for someone. 

She showered, took great care in doing her hair. She even put on some makeup. She packed her suitcase, shoving her laptop, headphones, a notebook, and a book into a tote bag, and opened her bedroom door, pulling it all out into the living room. 

Bailey looked up from her spot on the couch, a magazine resting on her knees and tilted her head.

“Going somewhere?” She slowly dropped her feet from the end of the couch to the floor, tossing the magazine onto the table. 

“Yeah,” Sophia nodded, dropped her bags onto the floor and walked over to the couch, sitting down next to Bailey. “I’m going to Haiti.”

“Haiti?” Bailey repeated, her eyebrows drawing together. “What are you going to do in Haiti?”

“I’ve been sitting here wallowing in my self pity for months,” Sophia shook her head. “So I lost something - a couple of somethings - there are people all over the world who have it so much worse than me. Here I am, a trust fund kid, doing nothing but wasting my life-”

“So you’re going to move to Haiti?” Bailey interjected. “I don’t see how moving to Haiti is the answer.”

“I’m not _moving_ to Haiti,” Sophia smiled. “I’m going to volunteer. They’re still so devastated and ruined and people like me should be over there helping…so I’m going to go over there and help.”

“When did you decide this?” Bailey shook her head. “I don’t understand, you have barely left the house and now you’re-”

“Yesterday. I decided yesterday and I made the call and then I bought a plane ticket.”

“Sophia,” Bailey leaned in, putting her hands on Sophia’s knees. “You can’t just run away to Haiti.”

“I’m not running away,” Sophia shook her head. “I promise, I’m not. I just need _something_ , Bay. I feel like my whole life has been one long game of sitting and waiting for the next time…he…comes back and I need something else. I’m going to go to Haiti and I’m going to do something good with my time, and I’ll be back before you know it,” Sophia smiled, shrugging her shoulders. “I have to be something besides the girl with the constant broken heart.”

Bailey looked at her for a few seconds before nodding and smiling, “you’re already so much more than that. Zac Hanson does not define you.”

“I know,” Sophia smiled and stood up from the couch, stretching her arms above her head. “How do you feel about giving me a lift to the airport?”

―

Sitting on an airplane and waiting for it to finally be time to take off had always felt like an eternity to Sophia. It would be an understatement to say that patience had never been her strong suit, and she didn’t see that changing any time soon. She pulled her headphones and book out of her carryon and shoved it underneath the seat in front of her.

The prospect of really making a difference for people in need was coursing through her, filling her with a purpose she didn’t know she was missing. She’d never felt any overwhelming urge to participate in charity before, but once it settled down on her that that’s what she needed to do, it was as if that’s what she’d been made for her whole life. Giving to those who can’t give to themselves sounded like the most perfect way for Sophia to figure out exactly who she was. 

Looking over the cabin of the plane, a shimmer of golden brown caught her eye, her vision going a little bit fuzzy at the sight. Across the aisle, two rows in front of her was a low, messy ponytail, black neck pillow, tiny little lines at the corner of the persons left eye. 

Her heart rate sped up, palms growing a little sweaty as she felt the moisture leaving her mouth. A deep breath in, a long breath out, and the person stood, all broad shoulders and strong back, hauling a carryon bag into the overhead compartment. As he turned, their eyes meeting briefly, Sophia felt a weight lift off of her as the world started spinning again. The chin was all wrong, the eyes too wide. When she looked a little closer, the hair wasn’t the right shade of brown and the skin wasn’t quite as smooth. 

She leaned back in her seat, closing her eyes. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever stop seeing Zac everywhere she went. She wasn’t sure if the exact color of his eyes, the slope of his nose, or the curve of his mouth would fade from her memory, and suddenly the thought that he’d always be there felt more like a comfort than a curse. 

She opened up iTunes and scrolled to that old song, the one he’d written for her. She’d never listened to it since the day he’d sang it in that little venue, but right then it seemed like the only thing she wanted to hear. They might not be able to have each other in the way they had thought, life wasn’t perfect and sometimes you have to know when to call it a loss, but all at once, sitting in in that airplane seat, getting ready to fly somewhere that she knew would change her life, she realized that she’d always have him with her. He’d never be too far away if she needed to call on a memory or hear his voice in a song, and after all of the ups and downs, starts and stops, backs and forths, she was content with that. It was enough.


End file.
